Taking on my girlfriend’s kids

[katiefutty1]

My gf is the one. So I’ve had to accept that she will come with her two kids which are extension of her so I’ll learn to love them etc etc.

However it’s SO stressful. They are 2 and 5 respectively. I’ve no experience with kids prior to this so I’m really in the deep end. When we go for a kind of ‘family outing’ I’m not enjoying myself at all and they’re so demanding and selfish (which I understand kids are), but it’s hard to look past it when they’re not my own children. If they were they would be my responsibility, I would also be able to apply some discipline, and also I’d love them to death if they were my own flesh and blood. I try to help out as much as I can with them and I will keep doing so. We don’t live with eachother but I try to kind of avoid weekends where they are going to be present if I can. (Which is every weekend). Moving forward, can anyone please offer me some mindset advice or a couple of tips?

 

[marcelmind]

@katiefutty1 Most of the issues that are bugging you about the 2 & 5 year old are likely developmental. Which means they will outgrow them simply by getting older. They don't need "discipline" applied to them. We've learned more about child development than when you were a kid.

You need to apply discipline to yourself. Set an example of good behavior for them. Stay calm yourself. Be patient yourself. Be gentle yourself. Be generous yourself. Your example will show them what to strive for as they grow. Make sure they're well fed and well rested - so that means being aware of how tired they are and when they last ate/drank because you're the adult.

Behavior wise, best thing you can do is forge a relationship with them. Find out what they like. Find things to sincerely praise them about. Do things with them that they find fun. If they like you, they will be WAY more motivated to please you. Behavior with kids is relationship-based. You're the adult in the relationship so you set the good example of unconditional love and showing up for them.

You say you have no experience with kids, but you were once a kid. What are the things that your favorite people did with you? How did they treat you? How do you wish they'd treated you?

Make sure family outings are age appropriate. Go to the park. Run around and chase them. Let them win! Pretend to be an incompetent monster who talks about how he's gonna get them... and then say out loud that they're too fast for you, too clever for you, oh no they've won again. I've never met a child who didn't adore this game (but you may need to make it less scary for sensitive kids who find monsters too scary and are afraid you'll actually eat them or hurt them).

Any hobbies of your own that might be shared IF they are interested? Bike riding (you can pull at least the younger one in a trailer behind your bike) ? Paddling a canoe? Stomping in rain puddles? Making mud pies?

Anything you can turn into play - turn it into play. Cleaning up a puzzle or board game? Make the box seem like it's alive and it's hungry for pieces. "Feed me! I'm so hungry! Yum yum"

You need them to keep walking but they're tired? Pretend to walk like bears, or hop like bunnies, or give them a piggy back ride. Or say that you can walk faster than them and watch them start running. Again, let them beat you when it comes to physical competitions. "How'd you get way up there? I'm gonna catch up to you, right after I catch my breathe..."

"also I’d love them to death if they were my own flesh and blood"

Nah, not necessarily. Your own flesh a blood are way better at pushing your buttons and leaving you super exasperated and flying off the handle than other people's kids. All your hopes and dreams for future and legacy get wrapped up in your own flesh and blood and it's hard when they make different choices than you want for them. Trust me! I find it way easier to be patient with other children and have to use a lot more self control with my own.

 

[travisw918]

@marcelmind Plus one. Yes. Upvote. Awards. Gold star. Trophy.

 

[katiefutty1]

@marcelmind Thanks for the reply!

Yeah you’re right but there’s still a good few years until then! I am very patient and kind and playful with them already but it’s exhausting. The monster game is a good one haha. It’s just stressful for me internally it’s not an enjoyable process for me if that makes sense?

I do try to be as empathetic as possible, like what would I want a male-figure in my life to be like? I always wished that my father was a more authoritative and masculine figure. Disciplined wasn’t the right word to use, but I would like to be able to speak freely and let them know if they are repeatedly not listening, or they hit eachother, that they should go on the timeout step and be spoken to about why that isn’t something they should do moving forward? Or is that outdated?

Haha the end part did put a smile on my face. I suppose you’re right. Maybe I’m just overthinking this. She says I’m amazing with them and people have said I’m good with kids several times before, but I’ve just never had to take it to this “real” level I guess.

Perhaps I just need to stop pressuring myself. I’m constantly danger scanning around them and wrapping them in cotton wool a bit which keeps me on edge, I just can’t relax around them!

 

[joemzkie08]

@katiefutty1 One thing that helps me is to lean into it like a job. Acknowledging that I don’t know what I’m doing, and outside help can teach me how to be better at this.

I really enjoy the book “Good Inside” by Dr. Becky Kennedy. She also has an instagram account and a podcast that are helpful. Highly, highly recommend reading her book and regularly checking out her podcasts. Her mantra is “you’re a good kid having a hard time” and it’s super helpful when my 2 year old loses her shit, lol.

My second favorite book is “How to talk to kids will listen and listen so kids will talk”, (and the version for younger kids, “How to talk so little kids will listen”.

 

[katiefutty1]

@joemzkie08 It’s an interesting perspective. I’ll definitely try to think of it that way. I suppose that if I’m doing the “job” right, then I can find satisfaction in that!

 

[marcdll07]

@katiefutty1 Come to /r/daddit -- lots of great support there.

Family outings at this age usually need to be primarily for the kids. You can feel successful at doing something the kids like to do, rather than frustrated about dragging the kids through something you want to do.

 

[katiefutty1]

@marcdll07 Thank you, my new hq!

Damn that is eye opening indeed. I really appreciate it. I suppose today was a success then…