Struggling to do “everything” *venting*

[marknjohson]

I have a 4 year old daughter and 5 month old son, who is ebf. My daughter goes to preschool MWF, but I homeschool her on Tuesdays/Thursdays and will begin full time homeschool in August. I have a WFH job that i’m currently doing part time. Im working around 20 hours a week in the evenings mostly, because I can barely manage in the day time, but frequently have to jump on daytime calls/ zooms while my kids are home. My husband is a teacher and works at a school an hour away so he’s gone from 6am-5pm every day. He always complains about how exhausted he is.

We’re living in a house with my MIL while we wait for her back house to be built, so I feel awkward and crowded - and can’t be intimate with my husband. I cannot keep up with the cleaning at all. At our old house I used to use a wash-n-fold service but there is no such thing in our new city. My MIL doesn’t help with anything - not childcare, cleaning, cooking, pick up, or anything. We just live together. So it’s just me and my husband, we have no village, no help. We are financially struggling between the mortgage, preschool, bills, car payment, and groceries. Especially now that I’ve moved to part time work.

It just feels like something has got to give. I can’t work, and homeschool, and be a stay at home mom, and cook, and clean, and manage all our plans, vacations, bills, shopping, appointments, household concerns, etc. I feel like the default head of house; I make all the decisions and do all the research. And then to try and have friends or exercise? It’s just impossible.

 

[jayk]

@marknjohson I am here with you and digging myself out bit by bit.

Start with your top 2 aggravations. I bet you know what they are.

Ask yourself, if they are tasks, how would your family cope if you were hit by a bus? Then implement that plan.

Or if it is a condition (thing in the hallway, ungrateful relative etc), ask yourself if it is changeable. If so, what can you do in 5 minutes? Or 30 seconds or whatever amount of time you can commit. Like kicking the ball in the hall into the closet.

Or if it is an ungrateful or drama filled relative, accept the happy times but if it veers off, say, "I've gotta pee. So glad to see you!" And hang up or leave.

This is about getting your agency back. And reclaiming some energy being squandered on junk.

Next, pick your top 2 time sinks, and ask how your family would cope if you were hit by a bus, and do that. Like I was spending an hour and 25 minutes a day on dishes and now It's closer to 20 minutes because I cut back on things I do that generate dishes and toss them in the sink throughout the day and do them in a gap of time when everyone else is occupied. AND made it clear everyone is old enough to bring their own dishes to the sink. The preschooler is more conscientious than the adult, and I just leave them for the adult. No reminders. They just pile up.

That little bit should cut you enough breathing room to cut even more. It's a virtuous cycle.

You have the same right to a doable day as everyone else.

Remember the example to your kids. I would be furious if I had a son who stood by while his spouse had the kind of day you are having. I would be mortified and getting right in the car to pick up my daughter if she was having the kind of day you are having day after day.

If there is any give in your budget at all, see if a neighbor kid or someone can do something. Keep the kid entertained, sweep, anything an hour or two a week to help you remember what a doable day feels like. And carry that feeling into the next hour.

Agency is the thing. Maybe the craziest thing I did was work with hand tools while breastfeeding to fix a thing that made an aggravating noise at my house...

My mom faces a similar dynamic at work. I remind her, "There are only 56 hours in the day.... Wait, It's only 24? And see we already had to cut a lot. And what if there are honestly only 9 productive work hours, or 2? We all have to prioritize. And most everyone will be mad at us all the time. Can't be helped. Focus on getting what you want out of your doable day."

I'm sorry It's so hard.

Thinking of you.

 

[lpadr009]

@jayk I love everything about this comment. It's wise and funny and well-written, and a genuinely useful framework.

 

[mikeyd0110]

@marknjohson I don't think you need to worry about homeschooling your daughter as a 4 year old. Let her be little and wait until August to reassess if you've got the capacity to homeschool kindergarten. Do you find preschool beneficial to you? If it adds more stress than relief, cut that out of your budget and keep your daughter home. Kids don't need preschool, but if it gives you a necessary break, keep it in.

Also, your husband needs to talk to your mil. If she's not helping with house payment, she needs to help out in the home. There's no reason she can't be responsible for laundry and the occasional load of dishes. You are not your mother in law's maid. You're doing her a favor of allowing her a place to stay, she is an adult and should contribute to the house in some way.

 

[angelbelle]

@marknjohson I wouldn’t homeschool. You’re adding so much to your plate and you just don’t have to do it.

 

[congnh2412]

@marknjohson You can’t be a stay at home mom AND a working mom AND do all household tasks. It’s just not possible, you aren’t getting the breaks you need, kids won’t be getting the mother they deserve, and the house chaos will make everyone anxious.

I don’t see how you could homeschool full time properly and also work part time. It’s just too much. I would put your daughter in full time public 4k now to get something off your plate. I would also consider getting childcare for your youngest during the hours you need to work, I don’t know any company that would be cool with you parenting while working, and your son deserves the full attention of a caregiver.

Your MIL needs to contribute something to your household. Some cooking, childcare, cleaning, or rent. You could start slowly, “Oh MIL, I won’t have time to prep dinner tonight, could you take care of it?” Or “MIL I have a work meeting in an hour, could you keep an eye on baby during that time?” Then ramp up from there. If she absolutely refuses, your husband needs to sit down with her and explain the financial situation, if she can’t physically help, then she’ll have to pay some rent because your household can’t go on like this.

Your husband also needs to step the fuck up. There is no reason you should be doing all the cooking, cleaning, childcare, and errands. He should be doing at least half, regardless of how much either of you work.

 

[lpadr009]

@marknjohson I completely understand. We're also stretched really thin, and it feels like the deck is stacked against us. My husband works 3 or 4 12-hr shifts each week, and the days are just so long. We used the book Fair Play to help make the work visible, consciously skip certain chores, and divide our time as fairly as we can.

We cut the grocery bill a bit by making weekday breakfasts and lunches meatless, as well as 2 bean-based dinners a week. Eggs and oats for breakfast, egg salad or salmon salad or pasta for lunch, lentils or split pea soup for dinner. Meat dinners get stretched by adding a can of beans. Saturdays we roast a big something that turns into tacos or stirfy on Sunday. Thursday night dinners are leftover-based soups. By writing my meal plan on the fridge, I get a lot of brain space back, and yet it's a flexible meal plan. Vague "meatballs and rice" lets me choose the meat and veg on sale and vary the sauce, while making sure I know what else to keep on hand and when to start cooking. Not starting from scratch each meal gives me a lot of brainspace back.

I also keep an emergencies-only section of the pantry and freezer with things like smoked salmon, precooked beans in sauce, the expensive jarred korma sauce my kids adore. Too pricy for every day but way cheaper than restaurants.

I try to figure out what chores really make a difference for each member of the family, and do those, while letting anything that won't grow mold sit in time-out if need be. I prioritize dishes because I can survive naked but not hungry, and I *don't create* the worst handwash-only dishes unless I have bandwidth—I choose my dishwasher-safe mugs over my favorite teacups, and we have replaced our plastic lids with lids that can be thrown in the dishwasher or laundry, for instance. My husband is overwhelmed when clutter builds up on top of counters/bookshelves, so if nothing else I clear that, and the kids don't like when they have too many toys/clothes so we rotate them. I don't fold kid clothes, they get dumped in a drawer. My 5yo loves to do laundry and vacuum, so I lightly encourage her to have fun with it, and when she (often!) chooses to do some chores it genuinely helps.

Also, if you can afford a teenaged mother's helper, sometimes it makes a huge difference having them take the kid to the park during baby's nap or even having them feed the kid dinner and put her to bed. 1-2 hrs a couple times a week is a lifesaver.

I'm sorry I don't have any magic solutions. But you aren't alone, and your needs do matter.

 

[laceymarie79]

@marknjohson I’m right there with you- living with in-laws who don’t help a ton, husband is gone for work throughout the day, and I wfh full time with an ebf crazy 9m old. I do 90% of the cooking/cleaning/childcare because I am the one home to do it. My husband does help when he gets home but during the day it is all me. Long term plan is for me to stop working ft once there are multiple children. But at that rate we are never going to be able to afford to buy a house. I have no advice, just solidarity. No one talks about motherhood being a full time job but it is.

 

[vinniesdad]

@marknjohson I also work part time from home, homeschool my 6 year old and have a toddler and baby at home. It’s honestly really tough. I also developed ocd after my 2nd baby so I never get a break. I don’t have advice. I’ve considered sending my child to school but ultimately we decided not to. I don’t have friends or do anything for myself, we do usually take walks everyday for exercise. Could your husband look for a closer job? That would give him some more time to help at home? 2 hours a day is 10 hours a week he could be helping more or resting. Even though you’re both exhausted you really have to help eachother. One thing my husband does is cook meals for me and the kids sometimes the day before so I don’t have to worry about cooking. Also remember they don’t need as much school as you think. We only do about an hour a day or less of school for my 6 year old and he already knows how to read and is great at math. Try to enjoy your babies and let go of whatever you can within reason!

 

[jayk]

@marknjohson EBF 5 month old is very important information. I know nursing is a huge part of your day.

When I was there, I was very lucky that my kid loved to sit on my lap and nurse while I did my work from home job. And liked to nurse in the front pack while I did chores.

That changed for us at around 8 or 9 months, when the computer became irresistible and we were big enough that I couldn't get my computer far enough away that kids couldn't reach it while I could still use it.

By the time my kid was a strong walker, remote work time while my kid was awake was practically impossible without a sitter.

My point in saying that you will need that time in the next few months is to say you have a moral right to that time NOW.

Cutting back and rearranging so you have the hours you will need for work ahead of time will help the family. And or training your 4 year old to keep your infant entertained for a bit at a time, so your 4 year old can be part of the solution when the time comes.

I went from 30 hours a week being barely doable to 10 hours being the very bare edge of doable once my kid was a strong walker. That had an impact on our finances.

I asked my mom (SAHM, 5 KIDS IN 7 YEARS, HOMESCHOOL, DIVORCED after 10 years of marriage) how she coped. She said it was so much easier with 2+ than with 1 kid because they keep each other busy.

And for work and chores, she prioritized things we could do together and let the rest slide so that work, homeschool and playtime together all occupied the same time.

Then when I was, in theory, old enough to keep all the kids safe while she was out, she went back to school and started working long hours, therapy etc to reclaim her identity while I did the cooking, cleaning, training on chores, kids homework, blah blah.

Moral of the story, if you keep overdoing it and burning yourself out, the work may fall to a child of 10, who will do it on top of going to school, homework, music, reading, blah blah.

And if it does any good you have my moral blessing to cut back to the amount a 10 year old could do on top of a school day and long bus ride.

That's the bar.

And if the peanut gallery does not want that future for your 4 year old, they can let up on you.

If anyone wishes to complain, they may take complete ownership of the complaint topic and take care of it to their specs.

Wishing you all the best. It will be different next month.

Sending hugs.

 

[wxgenx]

@jayk This deserves a thousand upvotes, humans are meant to live in colony / village style with other people. It is our nature to have big families that share all the load of day to day life. I think priority #1 is sitting with your MIL and husband and outlining that you are doing way too much and on the verge of burnout and they can choose to help and you are choosing to cut your load in half. If they don’t choose to help, those things simply will not get done so you have some time to relax and rest and do things for you. There is no reason with 3 adults vs 2 kids that you should be doing this much without significant help.

 

[groo101]

@marknjohson You’ve got my sympathy. I’ve got an 8 year old that I homeschool full time, a 6 month old and I work from home full time and like you am pretty much a married single mother. It sucks but we’ve got no choice but to keep on keeping on. While wondering at what point our nervous system will just come crashing down. Survival mode for the win