Struggling and maybe regretting SAHP decision??

A

ahead

New member
I’m struggling lately. My 4.5 and 2 year old are really wearing me out. I was so into gentle parenting before I decided to stay with them (about 6 months ago) and now I just fly off the handle and yell. They fight with each other all the time. Before they were apart much more and so there wasn’t really fighting.

We try to get out of the house as much as possible but sometimes I just want to play in our yard or play with our toys. But I always seem to regret it because they are fighting or we sit to do an activity and my 2 year old is eating the markers/crayons/playdoh.

I don’t know I just wonder if I made a mistake. My 4.5 is in preK 5 hours and day and my 2 still naps about 2 hours of that. My partner works 12 hour days but it still shouldn’t be this hard??
 
@ahead I actually think this sounds really hard. Partner gone 12 hours? That is a lot. The fighting wears on everyone. When do you get time away? It's really crucial for mental health. In the end, one persons good is another's "too much." You have to listen to yourself and honor how you feel. For me, going back to work pt to get a break has helped immensely. But I struggled too long trying to live up to an ideal of what I thought I should handle. I regret that.
 
@ahead Hi there! I have a similar age gap (15mo and 5yo). It's hard! There's very little overlap in the activities that they are interested in, so I'm constantly splitting my attention. I feel like I'm multitasking every second of the day, except for when the eldest is at preschool or when the youngest is napping. It causes a lot of burnout for me. I can't imagine doing it solo for 12 hours a day (my husband works 8hrs)!

I don't know if this helps, but one thing that has helped me a lot is just taking note of what the "good days" look like and what the "bad days" look like, and finding patterns.

Here's what I found when I did that:
- A clean kitchen makes a huge difference! I cook faster, I make healthier snacks, and we can do fun things like bake or make smoothies, etc..
- Having a bit of quiet time in the morning to drink my coffee, check the weather, and plan my day seems to really help.
- Making sure I get a really filling/nutritious breakfast. I'm REALLY prone to "hangriness" but if I nip that in the bud we do better! And on that note, just snacking throughout the day is really helpful too, especially since it's so rare that I'll actually be able to sit down and enjoy a real meal while I'm busy with the kids!
 
@ahead I have a secret stash of edible cookie dough in the fridge for the really dire, hangry moments 😅 You could consider doing something similar haha
 
@ahead I also love me some gentle parenting but I think what we see of it on social media skews our expectations for the reality of parenting. It’s unrealistic to think you won’t fly off the handle or screw up and yell every once in a while. And when you’re a sahp, you’re doing so much more of the parenting than before, so of course the rate of those moments increases.
 
@bernielyle Totally agree! The kids just don't listen to me when I sit patiently next to them to explain why they need to put shoes on. And sometimes I don't have that kinda time! I'm still going to set it as my goal, but just not expect that it'll always happen.
 
@ahead My husband also works 12 hour shifts, and when you factor in getting ready and actual drive time to work, it’s more like a 15 hour day. Oh and he works nights so he has to sleep during our waking hours. There’s about an hour each day when we’re actually all together. It’s pretty hard on me personally, I didn’t sign up to feel like a solo parent to 2 kids. Honestly the toddler’s about to go in daycare part time to save my (actually our) sanity 😂
 
@bat7bruce My husband wants me to use daycare more. I keep debating at least a gym with a nursey. But both things are expensive and commitments and I guess I'm hoping the nicer weather will keep me from needing them. But my little will start morning nursery school two days a week next fall at least.
 
@ahead Gym with a nursery has been a life saver for me!! Today I worked out for 20 minutes and sat in the hot tub with my book for 20 minutes. I was a better mom all day for it.
 
@ahead Sorry to hear you're struggling. I feel it's easier to SAHM from when the kids are born because then that's all the kids know. It can be hard for kids to adjust to changes in their routine. You are in the tough ages too. I found age 2 is still too young to play well with an older sibling - closer to age 3 is better - and depending on their personalities that can make the fighting worse too.

I don't have much advice other than to say don't feel bad that you are struggling. Change is hard for everyone. Also if you decide that being a SAHM isn't for you, that's okay too.
 
@ahead Being a SAHP can be extremely difficult, especially with more than one. Not everyone is a good fit for doing that job. If you don’t think it’s a good situation for you and/or your kids, there’s nothing wrong with giving up and going back to whatever your previous arrangement was.
 
@ahead Nope, I don’t orchestrate activities I just let them take the lead. I bring magnifying glasses, a ziplock baggie for “treasures”, eyedroppers and cups if we’re near a river.
 
@ahead My kids are 27 months apart (5 and almost 3) and the constant fighting has just gotten better in the past month or so. I can largely attribute it to social skills gains for both from preschool, but also to time I'm getting away from them (mostly working out) and somewhat to changes in the ways I'm responding to them when they do disagree. They are now more like playmates and will disappear on their own for 20 minutes or more. Sometimes there's a shitton of toys to clean up, but oh well. Hoping it gets better for you quickly!
 
@ahead Your situation sounds pretty good actually so I'm wondering if you could be depressed? Are you in therapy? I have noticed people that practice "gentle parenting" tend to burn out as the expectations are pretty unattainable so you will always kinda be disappointed in yourself- just my opinion from what I've noticed.
 
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