Step parenting is a bitch, where do I go from here?

[stephny]

I am 41 and my g/f is 45. She had 3 children before we got together, they are now 19, 15, and 11. We have been together for almost 10 years now. She has joint custody with their father and they see him weekly. My issue is that I have always followed my gf's lead when it comes to the children because I have a tendency to be on the strict side, so try to follow her lead and not let small shit get to me. Over the last several years things have been coming up that I feel she should have handled as a mother, and not expected me to take the lead. Now I am not saying that the kids are horrible and always in trouble, they are good kids but do typical kid shit for the most part. She holds steadfast to the idea that "kids are kids and what they are doing is typical, so there is nothing to be done about it" Well this has lead to my frustration rising recently. I see things that need to be addressed and she ignores it until it goes away, or finds a way to justify actions.

Here are some examples of the things that I am trying to figure out how to deal with. 2 years ago we had just bought a house together. I was doing some finishing touches in the kids room. I go into the closet of the oldest, 16 at the time, and found a bong in there. I told her about it and asked what she wanted to do. She made him give her the bong and kept it in our closet. A week later she notices the bong is gone. We ask the 16y/o he insists he didn't take it. Later we found it in his room again, meaning he went into our closet and took it back. When he came back the next weekend she confronted him, told him we found it, how mad she was that he stole and lied. While we were in his room we found a watch that she had given to me for my b-day. I asked him why that was in his room. He said, "You went through my room and took stuff, so I went through your room and took stuff." I was furious but waited for her response, she said nothing. As I was walking out, she said "That was a ballsy answer" Which sent me over the top. To this day she insists that I should have taken control of the situation because it was my watch. She doesn't feel that she should have said anything about her own son stealing from someone.

When this same son graduated fro HS this past summer she told him, that if she catches him smoking pot in the house she will kick him out. Since then she has caught him several times, and we have also twice discovered that he is selling pot too, we've found the evidence in his room. The most recent time was last Saturday. It has been over a week, and still has not said anything to him. No I am walking around the and don't want him there selling, let alone out of our house. She keeps herself too occupied with other shit so she doesn't have to address it. If I were to address it I would be telling to pack his shit. But I don't feel she would support me enough. I am almost to the point where I want to tell her it's her choice, him or me.

She always says that I am not involved in the kids lives and don't help her out. I am at every play, concert, soccer, or baseball game. I try to help her out with time management with the kids and respect and responsibility. She always brings up "You have never taken them for a drive and just talked with them" What the hell does that have to do with anything?

I feel she is an enabler, and will do anything to avoid a confrontation with any of the kids, even the youngest. Being a parent is hard and sometimes you need to have that. There are more examples I could give but I would just rambling on. I guess I am just trying o figure out should I keep being miserable over the laissez faire attitude she takes with them? Should I pack my bags and move on? There is no changing her. We are in counseling now and I am hoping it will work, it is basically my last ditch effort to save the relationship.

Edit: I meant to say I've been a step parent for 12 years, not 2.

 

[brettbw]

@stephny I am a step parent. Have been for almost 2 years. Step parenting is the HARDEST thing you can do, even harder than biological parenting. The return you get for all of your hard work is basically zilch (0). It sucks. It has its "moments" of "oh this isn't so bad", but overall its pretty terrible. Im saying all of this and I have a relatively GOOD relationship with both of my step sons. I'm here to help their dad. I am here for him. That is the cold hard truth. But also, when I married him, I didn't just get him, I got his kids too. They did not get to choose me. That being said, even though it sucks, I made the decision to marry a man with kids so every day I have to make a decision to be the BEST step mom i can. Even if everything is pissing me off that day.

With your situation, it sounds like you two are not on the same page of parenting style. My husband and I are very blessed in that we parent the same basic way. I am a bit more harsh, and he is softer, it balances out quite nice.

Accepting someones kids as your own is a HUGE deal. One that the biological parent should NOT take lightly. If you have to put up with them, you also should be able to have some input in their parenting. If she cannot be consistent and doll out punishment, you are kind of out of luck. Step parents (Unless you come into the kids lives at a very very young age) should NOT punish or be overbearing. That is the biological parents job. Kids will accept punishment from a biological parent in a much healthier way than if done by a step parent.

If i were you, I would sit down and talk to her. Make clear what you said here. If she refuses to compromise or adjust some things, I'd say get the hell out. It's not worth the effort. Life is too short to sit and struggle with someone else's kids. The saving grace of a blended family is being on the SAME PAGE of parenting.

 

[stephny]

@brettbw I agree that the bio parent should be the one the dole out the punishment, she does not see it that way. We got into another argument last night about the kids. We found out that her 19y/o is selling pot. I have showed her plenty of examples of this. The last time she waited 3 weeks before she said anything to him. He admitted to it, and said that he only sells small quantities to his friends. I asked her what she is going to do about it, she said nothing. I then said that she is condoning him selling pot out of the house. The argument then became about whether or not he is selling out of the house. Which she doesn't think he is, because we dont have random people showing up at the house. I told her he is storing, weighing it, and packaging it in our house, to me that's selling out of our house. This went round and round for a while. After that she said "Why do I have do something about it, why can't you?" I said "Fine you want me to something about I will, he's out, he's not living under my roof selling pot" She didn't like that too much but that's the bottom line, I have rules and he needs to follow them.

so we go round and round some more and bring up the fact that WE set a curfew for him when he graduated, be home by midnight or stay wherever you are. That worked for the first week, then he was texting saying he would be home at 1, 2, or 3. Now he jut comes and goes as he pleases. When it first started I would tell her in the morning what time he came home, because I always wake up when he pulls in. She never said or did anything about it. Last night she tells me, she doesn't care what time he comes home because is doesn't wake her up, it wakes me up so I should say something to him. I reminder her that it was a curfew that WE instituted, and he is consistently breaking it. It's not just about him waking me up, its about a rule that was put in place, and she refuses to put any consequences on his actions. As the step parent I should not be the one to initiate the consequences, I should have her back on what she wants to do. If I do initiate the consequences, I am more heavy handed than she is, and should have my back but she wont and never has.

Last week I was going out and she was out with her sister, I figured she would be right back. She told me to have the youngest one in the house before I left, which I did. As soon as he walked in the house he asked if he could go to another friend's house 2 houses up, I said no stay in the house. He called his mother and she said he could go. When I told her that undermined any authority I had, she said he shouldn't have to sit in the house while we are out at a bar having a good time. Completely ignoring the fact that she undermined me. I also brought up the fact that I don't like the 11y/o having friends over while there are no adults around. She doesn't mind it because that's how she was raised, kids were always over with no adults. Yet she will not let him go to a friend's house if there are no parents. So somehow my house is infinitely more safe than his friends. I reminder her that 2 weeks ago they were fooling around running through the house when nobody was home, and one of his friends went through the screen door. I said what would have happened if that were glass and he go cut up really badly, what would have happened if he went through the screen and bounced his head off the concrete step below. She still would rather have him home. I will put a stop to that because I am not getting sued when one of these kids gets hurt.

The largest issue I have with her, is her inability to set boundaries and to have consequences when those boundaries are broken. We have a high functioning Autistic 15y/o. He is on his laptop, or tablet from the time he gets home from school until bed time 6+ hours. On the weekend he is on them from the time he wakes up, to the time he goes to bed. The weekend bed time is 10 or midnight, when I come home from bar tending at 2am he is still up playing games or watching videos. I mention this to her and her response that its no big deal, he got to sleep in and nothing bad happened it didn't bother her. I told her but he knows there is a bed time, a time that he should not be on his tablet or laptop, and he is willingly going past it, there should be some consequences. She doesn't think so, it's not affecting anyone, she's too tired to stay up and make sure he goes to bed on time, so he can stay up until when ever he wants. She doesn't see how allowing him to push the boundaries now without repercussions, is only going to cause him to push more and more boundaries as he gets older and we will end up with another 19y/o that has no respect for her or her rules.

I am on the verge of pulling the chord on this one and saving my sanity. Luckily we are not married, the kids are not mine and we just have to figure out what to do with the house we bought 3 years ago.

 

[brettbw]

@stephny I feel your frustration. I really do. As an adult, no one wants to live under a roof that they feel they have no control of. Especially with kids of that age. If there is no consistency on her part, if she cannot make and enforce boundaries or punish or understand that raising kids and having STRUCTURE matters and is HARD work, that is lazy parenting. You are not the bad guy here. Sounds to me like she has become complacent and is fine with the easiest path. THAT IS NOT real parenting! You must have conflict. Kids aren't going to like it. Big F deal. That is life. Make their home lives structured to the point that they WANT to grow up and leave and make their own rules.

I too have a mildly autistic like step son who SPENDS way too much time on his screens. I have given up trying to do anything about that because that is the ONE area I have no help from my husband on. However, being that I am a parent and I have to sit and put up with a lot of other irritations, Im of the mind to just take it while he is at school and hide it. from him and his dad. and pretend like I don't know where the ipad and phone went.

You sound like you care about doing what is right in raising kids. IF you don't have her help and if she isn't willing to admit that maybe she needs to step it up.....a hard conversation might need to be had. Sounds like shes just comfortable. If she fears of losing you, maybe she will act. But I wouldn't count on it......as she's shown her true parenting style to you. My husband bought a house with his previous fiancé. It wasn't a fun process to go through (to move out and sell it). Whatever you do, don't move out of the house until it has been sold!

 

[stephny]

@brettbw

You must have conflict. Kids aren't going to like it. Big F deal. That is life.That is life. Make their home lives structured to the point that they WANT to grow up and leave and make their own rules.

That is exactly how I think. But I believe she would be ok if they all stayed at home for the rest of their lives. She has coddled the oldest so much that she has to find the right time to talk to him so he won't scream and yell back at her and they get nowhere. He has never been put in his place and taught to respect parents or adults.

I know that kids don't get everything the first time you tell them, that's why there are consequences to help them remember and learn. She thinks that as long as they "get it" at some point in their life she has done her job. Whether it's something they should have known at 8 and they finally get it at 18 or not.

She gets very frustrated when when have these arguments because she fells I am telling her she is a shitty parent. I can't bring myself to say "well you kind of are"

2 days after our last argument we talked again. But she couldn't stop folding laundry to have the conversation, something is always more important than having the hard conversation. So we talked while folding laundry. I tried to explain to her the things that I tried to help her with when the 19y/o was younger. Things that she ignored and we are paying the price for now. I tried to explain how she is doing the same thing with the younger two now. The only thing she heard from that was how I keep reminding her of the things she messed up on. She didn't see the point that we have the chance to not make those mistakes again.

I have had conversations with a couple of her close girlfriends, and they agree with me that she takes the easy road, and wants nothing to do with discipline. One of agreed with me that the oldest should have been kicked out by now. The other agreed that she takes to long to talk to him. She said that if she had found out her son (who is the same age) was selling pot, she would have dropped everything and confronted him right then and there. I was hoping by me talking to her girlfriends, they would talk to her and she would have to see that it's not only me that feels this way. That I am not the only one that feels there is more to be done. Anyone that is around the kids can see that there is more that needs to be done. Her sister and her boyfriend, her mother, cousin, and friends, people that we are around on a constant basis all see this. Her defense when someone says something is "you are not raising 3 kids, you don't know what it's like." or "I am not taking advice from someone who is not raising 3 kids."

I knew that raising kids was going to be a challenge and I wasn't sure if I would make a good father (I am admittedly a very selfish person) so I stopped after my son was born when I was 17. It even caused my divorce after 11 years, because my ex wanted kids and I wanted nothing to do with it.

I am not a prefect person, I don't expect perfection out of her or the kids. I do expect consistency and steps towards improvement. I don't think that is too much to ask. When I see that things we have talked about are not being addressed I start to pull back and say if she doesn't care why should I. Then things go down hill from there.

 

[brettbw]

@stephny You sound like me. I am a selfish person in the sense that I realized how difficult and time consuming raising kids can be, and I want no part of it. However, being that I signed up to marry a man with kids, I must put my best foot forward and do the best I can. Sometimes my husband ignores things or doesnt notice things, and I have to point them out to him. It often causes us strife, but I can't go through life knowing I didnt do what my common sense was prompting me to do in raising the boys.

Hearing your situation makes me glad I have him, because he is willing to adjust his parenting based on what I am see and what I think. If we did not have that, I would probably "check out" on the parenting end. Probably spend more and more time traveling to see family to get out of the situation....it wouldn't be good.

Good luck to you, I can tell you care about doing what is right. If you can't get her on your team........you are fighting a losing battle. I give you a lot of credit for trying.

 

[stephny]

Things have gotten much, much worse. Monday night I had to restrain myself from getting into a fist fight with her oldest son. He thinks that rules don't apply to him and he can take or do whatever he wants. Over the last few weeks (probably been going on much longer) I have noticed him wearing a lot of my clothes, and a certain pair of sneakers, that I only wear on gym floors. He has been wearing them to work.

The first time I noticed he had them I said, "You have a closet full of sneakers yet you choose to wear mine." He asked which ones, and I told him. He said he didn't know they were mine. A week later I pick him up from work and he is wearing them again. I told him that we had just talked about them and he said he didn't have any sneakers to wear to work. I told him that wasn't my problem. When he left for the night I went to his room and took them back, and had to hide them in my own house. The next morning he is flipping out because I took them and he has nothing to wear. So I give him a pair of shoes that I don't wear often, and tell him to buy his own pair that night. He comes home from work and I ask if he bought any shoes, of course he didn't. I go in his room to take my shoes back and he has them on his sneaker rack, right next to 2 pair of black sneakers that he could wear to work. I was pissed.

Then there are the shorts. One day he went through the laundry and grabbed a pair of shorts saying they were his. I told him they were mine and I have another pair just like them that I haven't seen in a while and want back. He said that he had found them in his laundry and thought they were his. I told him his mother might have mistakenly put them in his laundry but they are indeed mine. 2 weeks later I come home and he has them on again. I wait for his mother to get home and I tell him they are my shorts. Again he uses the laundry excuse, even after I specifically told him they were mine. His mother is standing right next to him and says "I have a hard time telling your clothes apart too" Well thanks for the fucking backup dear.

Monday night I come home and he is arriving at the same time. My blood instantly starts boiling, because of something that happened last week and this was the first I am seeing him. I had blocked his interment access due to him wearing my shit and not caring that I don't want him doing that. He unplugged the router and now its stopped working. So I ask him why he disconnected it, he said it wasn't working. I told him it was working perfectly, I blocked you because you refuse to listen.

So now the argument starts. He doesn't understand why it's a big deal to me if he wears my stuff, he can't tell what's mine and his, he has a closet full of clothes and how is he supposed to keep track of what's his or not. This kid also has an issue with not being able to have a discussion. As soon as he is cornered or knows he's in the wrong, he blows up, starts screaming, dropping f-bombs, crying and acting like he is the toughest guy on the planet. He has done this a lot with his mother and she lets him get away with it, and talks to him a few days later after the situation has blown over. Well I wasn’t letting him talk to me like I am some piece of shit. I let him know that I am going to tolerate being spoken to that way. Then he starts telling me to get out of his face and get away from him, I am standing 10 feet away from. He then starts telling me how he is going to fuck me up, so I step right into his face and tell him to give a shot. His mother tries to separate us and I block her from getting between us. Now he is screaming at me to get my hands off his mother, he’s sill gonna beat my ass, he’s going to call his father up here to beat my ass. The entire time I am telling to stop telling me what he is going to do and do it. Then he moves over to the counter by our butcher block and starts saying he is going to cut me. The kid is all over place and has mouthful of “I’m gonnas” and no intention to act on it.

At this point I know that I have done enough and this was going nowhere good. So I back down and tell him he is out of the house, he is no longer welcome to live there. I change clothes and leave the house, I go my friends to spend the night.
In the morning I go home to get changed for work and my g/f is awake, she tells me he raged for 2 more hours, walking around the screaming, crying and breaking shit. Of course she cleaned everything up for him. She said that she has no idea how it got that bad. I told her that her son is a disrespectful, irrational, emotionally changed fuck, that’s why it got so bad. I told her he needs a lot of help and probably some meds. He is not welcome back in the house until he gets help and apologizes for his actions.
This all happened Monday Aug 22, my g/f and I still haven’t talked about it (I had a busy schedule all week) Tonight we will both be home and talk it out. I intend to tell her that he can’t come back. If he needs to come here he needs to be escorted because he is also a thief. I have found plenty of my things in his room that he just claims as his, and then lies when asked about it. We will also have to talk about how we are raising the other 2 children. Whether I am too demanding, or she is too relaxed. Whether or not we make a good parental unit and should we continue to try this. At this point I don’t see her changing her ways and I can’t see me forgetting my beliefs on respect, responsibilities and consequences. Her way of thinking is kids are going to challenge you and there is nothing you can do about. My way of thinking is kids are going to challenge you and there are consequences for that.
At this point I have no idea where I will be living within the next few weeks.