Stay at home mother entitlement

[wasblindbutnowisee]

So my fiancé whom I’ve been with for 10 years has never had a job. She’s a stay at home mother for our 3 daughters. I work 12 hour shifts at night 4 days a week. The oldest daughter is 7, 6 then 3. She thinks it’s ok to let them stay up til 2 am and then they sleep in my bed. She will let them sleep until 12:30 in the afternoon because “she doesn’t wanna deal with them being cranky”. Am I the only one who sees a problem with this? She got upset because I woke everyone up at 9:45AM because I had to go to sleep for work the next night. UNBIASED OPINIONS ONLY

 

[tolditonthemountain]

@wasblindbutnowisee Have you tried talking to her in an honest but loving way to let her know how you truly feel? 80% of relationships struggle or end due to lack of truthful communication, even if it hurts the others feelings. Or even if she disagrees let her know this is what you need in order to keep providing her lifestyle and support her and the kids financially and emotionally. You cannot be the best partner you can be if you don’t feel heard and supported in the home and she should be able to do the same then you meet halfway. Like a compromise. Tell her the kids can sleep in the bed a few days a week only. And ask if she can start setting a decent bedtime of maybe 11pm instead of 2:30 am. Try to meet in the middle. If she will not compromise then let the kids sleep with her in the bed and go stay in the kids room with an air mattress or something. Put your foot down. If she gets to be a stay at home mom (which is a privilege not many women have) then she can learn to meet your needs halfway otherwise she is just taking advantage and overstepping your boundaries.

 

[concord1968]

@wasblindbutnowisee She sounds burnt out. Have you sta down and had an actual conversation with her ? Checked in on her? This is often what sahm burnout looks like people assume laziness or entitlement, but really, you're just drained

 

[wasblindbutnowisee]

@concord1968 I can say for a fact she is indeed drained. Though this may be true, how can anything I do counteract this depleted motivation and lack of energy or care? Say I start doing more around the house, won’t I then be burnt out as well? Where would the cycle end? Is it not her responsibility to find an outlet/hobby? (She has no hobbies nor does she socialize with friends besides FaceTime calls for 2 hours a day)

 

[ashleyb12104]

@wasblindbutnowisee I think they meant you need to have a serious heart to heart conversation with your partner. Obviously it’s not okay for the kids to be on that schedule, especially for the eldest when school starts. And they all need different amounts of sleep at their different ages.

Sit down and ask her what’s going on without judging her or accusing her of just being lazy. You’ve never been a stay at home parent and with 12 hr shifts at least you get to leave work at work. For her, work is home with the kids 24/7, there is no break time unless they’re asleep. Then there are the chores.

Ask how you can support her, tell her how you feel about the kids needing to be on a schedule, ask her if she’d be interested in exploring hobbies, and give her time to herself. This is a partnership. She’s not your nanny.

 

[madea945]

@wasblindbutnowisee ...What? Is this a serious question?

 

[wasblindbutnowisee]

@madea945 Yes. I’m honestly failing to see the blatant ignorance hidden somewhere in my question. Enlighten me please.

 

[madea945]

@wasblindbutnowisee Supporting your partner is part of the deal. There are many ways you can do that. It kind of sounds like you have tried none.

If you're honestly what happens when you get tired, the answer is, your partner steps in to support you. And/or you try something else to rest and restore. Hire a babysitter. Call a grandparent. Sign the kids up for a summer activity. You work together to solve the problem.

 

[wasblindbutnowisee]

@madea945 I would support her but there is no way for me to do that in my eyes. Someone had said having a heart to heart and I’ve tried this approach already. It always comes down to her wanting me to do more around the house while she does less. Grandparents are dead, no other family cares, and neither of us trust a random person “qualified baby sitter” to watch our children. I’m NOT against helping her mentally but I refuse to pick up more while she does less and we both watch as that becomes the “new norm.”

 

[madea945]

@wasblindbutnowisee What do you currently do around the house?

 

[wasblindbutnowisee]

@madea945 Trash and yard work. Occasionally help straighten up living room (bare minimum, vacuum, throw clothes downstairs to laundry.) and we also share laundry. (I never fold it)

 

[madea945]

@wasblindbutnowisee Oof. My dude. I tried to overlook your very judgmental title, referring to your partner as entitled and being sure you lead with her not having a job. She cares for your children, full time, with no breaks or help. She takes care of almost literally everything to take care of your home. That is not just a job, it is a big, relentless, thankless job. You get to come home from work and relax. She is never not at work. You have got to do better.

 

[wasblindbutnowisee]

@madea945 So what your saying is After working 12 hours I should come home, clean the living room, do the dishes, vacuum, switch the laundry, feed the animal I don’t even want, and wait until everyone else wakes up naturally around 10-11 am so I can go to sleep for work the next night? Just so she feels better and is able to “watch the kids”? Honestly your assuming she “almost takes care of everything”. Just because I’m not the one doing it, it’s not a fair assumption to think it’s being done at all. Sounds like a biased opinion…

 

[wren84]

@wasblindbutnowisee That’s insane to let kids stay up that late. I don’t even know how they’re able to do that my kids would pass out.

 

[christlover46]

@wasblindbutnowisee Stay at home moms are the absolute best I miss having a stay at home mom she works now boooo.

 

[namelessmlp7]

@wasblindbutnowisee A slight different view.
My husband felt this way about some of my antics until I got sick and he had to be home for 6 months. He became their primary caregiver and he spiralled quickly. The first cpl weeks were easy! He cooked cleaned had a routine. By the second month he had given up caring. He realized that every single day is a battle when you have kids. You’re repeating yourself over and over. They’re always hungry. They’re bored. They’re loud. They’re making a mess. You need to pick your battles and every day feels like you barely survived. Which is wild considering you haven’t even left the house.

Now for the sake of your marriage she absolutely needs to draw a line. You need rest to and if they’re keeping you up that’s not right. Just remember though at their ages you likely have around 7 more summers before they really start living their own lives. They’ll be at camp or friends places. If they’re all girls they probably will be glued to their phones and you’ll wish they would spend five minutes with you. Their 2 am events will be facetiming with friends or txting crushes.

OP I truly do feel for you and understand the frustration but I bet your wife is just done fighting. Probably first thing she’s asked for breakfast and then has to fight to get them to clean up. Then there’s snacks and play dates and I’m sure at this moment she’s just overwhelmed and a shell of the person she once thought she was. It will end one day but give her some grace but be firm in your own self care as well.

Best of luck

 

[wasblindbutnowisee]

@namelessmlp7 Now that’s an unbiased opinion. Thank you.

 

[sharonbaker]

@wasblindbutnowisee Sleep in a different bed. You’ll have more energy to help figure how to have a productive conversation with her and hopefully figure things out together.

Also, don’t they keep a regular schedule during the school year? Bedtime should be 7:30 or 8 pm if they have to be at school by 7:30 am.

 

[wasblindbutnowisee]

@sharonbaker Yes their schedule is set during the school year but during summer everyone’s just living their best life.

 

[urbanredneck]

@wasblindbutnowisee It sounds like you might have to rethink your entire family arrangement.

Maybe there is a way for you to do less hours, and for her to do a small job for a couple hours a week? That way she gets to have a sense of accomplishment outside of the home, and due to the extra income you could cut back a few hours which should leave you less exhausted.

Also: Childcare is work. Household chores are work. She needs breaks. And not "I'll do the laundry while you watch the kids", she needs an actual break, where she has no responsibilities. Because even "just" watching the kids IS WORK. That's why babysitters and kindergarten teachers aren't volunteers, it's a job that gets paid.

Imagine how many people you would have to employ to replace the work your wife is doing. You would need a maid, a cook, a babysitter, a secretary, a personal shopper. Your wife is doing the work of 5 people, round the clock, with no break. She is always on call. Of course, you are exhausted after your 12 hour shift, that's absolutely understandable. But she is too, she also lived through the same 12 hours and right now, her shift never ends. Maybe this will open your eyes.

SUGGESTION:

Person one goes to work, person two takes care of kids and house. As soon as person one comes home, person twos shift as stay at home parent ends, too. Now both are responsible for everything in the house equally. Person twos next shift as stay at home parent starts as soon as person one leaves for work.

This is what friends of mine do, and this is what my partner and I plan to do. We also both plan to work part-time, so we take turns being the stay at home parent.