Started the journey on 12/12! Already feel like a bad mom/partner. Help? 🥲

[pletharoe]

Feeling defeated.

Baby is now 6 days old and fiancé and I have split day and night shifts. Due to my c-section and refusal to take anything but Motrin/Tylenol, I am in a world of pain 24/7. (I have childhood trauma related to familial opioid abuse, so I’ve been rawdogging the recovery and it’s hell.)

My milk just came in so whenever I even approach baby she goes nuts rooting for my breast or screaming bloody murder if she didn’t get a 40ml bottle each hour for my w h o l e shift. (Juggling between pumping and formula feeding-) My fiancé can calm her in a second, he can swaddle her amazingly, she burps when he pays her back, she adores his every moment. With me, I feel like I’m doing everything wrong….

I am so sad. I thought I’d be a great mother and teacher to my fiancé, but I just feel like I’m coming apart at the seams and putting too much work on my partner. He barely sleeps anymore helping me out with my shift while doing his own. He insists for me to rest and recover, but I have always had the mindset that if I’m not caring for him/baby- I am useless. (I know this is untrue, he has told me himself. But I can’t help the feeling.) He is a godsend and I truly couldn’t do it without him, but I feel like I’m just putting too much on- he’s a new dad too and experiencing the same things.

Anyone have tips? Second time moms who’ve done this before? First time moms? New dads who can give advise on how to help me / fiancé function through the day?

Any support, advise, or encouragement is welcome and very much appreciated.

 

[katrina2017]

@pletharoe I had a c-section also with mine, who is 10 months now. Those early days are so terrible, but you really are doing so much better as a mom than you think you are. I also had a very hard time resting due to anxiety early on and it made recovery more difficult than it needed to be.

If you aren't using any prescription medication, definitely make sure you are icing the incision site. I got gel packs and used them so much in those early days. It helps with the swelling also.

You both need sleep so splitting shifts can be a good thing. We split the night so that we could both get 6 hours free to sleep and that helped for us. Also, it's true your husband is tired and working hard, but keep in mind that you have to physically heal from the birth. Your job is to take care of the baby and to heal. His job is to take care of the baby and help you while you heal. It's OK for him to be doing more baby care and housework right now. You had to make the physical sacrifice for both of you.

The early days are survival and are painful, plus your hormones are going to make you feel terrible emotionally. If you can have someone come and help with chores or watch the baby while you take a nap, do that. You aren't bad parents.

 

[neuroclusterbrain]

@pletharoe 6 days in I (a typically very unemotional person) was crying to my husband that “I don’t like doing things I’m not good at and I don’t feel like I’m good at this being a mom thing.” I was convinced I was doing everything wrong.

I too had a c-section and even with the meds I was in ridiculous pain so I cannot imagine what you’re going through. LOTS of icing the incision (and above it) helped because it constantly felt like it was on fire.

Instead of splitting day/night (that’s a reaaaallly long time to be alone with a newborn). We did where I would sleep in a separate room from 8pm-3am with my husband on duty with baby, and then switch from 3am-9am. Then my husband would take over so I could shower every day. We then tag teamed the day time. We’d try to nap when baby napped and if one of us felt tired we’d tap out and go to the other room for a quick nap. This helped tremendously so we never felt that pure exhaustion.

**I will add that BFing was too much for me after my traumatic delivery. I wasn’t sold on the idea of BFing in the first place and was very happy with the thought of using formula even before she was born. But I’m very thankful I had that mindset as formula allowed my body to put to work full time healing and making me feel like myself again. While my daughter (who turned one this week) was able to thrive simultaneously.

 

[r123]

@pletharoe He’s not experiencing the same things- he didn’t have a major abdominal surgery after carrying a child for nine months. You’ve done ALL the heavy lifting so far- let him help you!

My husband is the same way in that he is sooo great with the baby and I’ve had some PPD days where I feel like I’m not good enough, but that’s just not true. The best thing you can do for your fiancé and baby is rest and recover so that you can be your best self for them. They love you so much and you are the perfect mom and partner for them!

 

[drita]

@pletharoe If she wants your breast, why not just give it to her?

Have you decided not to breastfeed?

 

[azzaziel]

@pletharoe You 100% need to do less than you think you can! I overdid it too soon and ended up with an infection in my scar as i pulled the stitches. We do shifts and he does 9pm-3-am and me 3am-9am and during the day we muddle through together! I don’t like the idea of 12hr shifts as I enjoy having some time the three of us during the day. It’s hard so be easy on yourself! My little one is 10weeks now and my house is a tip and washing is overflowing, have asked mother in law to come over and sit with little one while I tackle my mega list that’s impossible to do with a needy baby!

 

[katrina2017]

@pletharoe My midwife told me to be ware of this phase as 'with the milk come the tears'. You're doing the hardest part right now. Getting used to having a kid and figuring out how to split responsibilities, while being sleep deprived is so so hard! But it does get easier. And soon you'll be able to enjoy it.

 

[dwdanby]

@pletharoe 6 days PP was so hard for me! And you’re absolutely not a failure! I just want to encourage you to continue taking shifts where you can. Shifts seriously saved my husband and I for the first 4 months, they ensured we were both able to get real sleep. You can’t function when you’re sleep deprived. And I also just want to say please let your fiancé help you and don’t feel guilty for it! Like others have mentioned, you had a major surgery. Let him help you.

I didn’t have a c section but my baby girls shoulder got stuck and they had to really get in there to get her out, and they had to cut me. I was pretty much useless for 2 weeks, I couldn’t walk or do the stairs. My husband had to do EVERYTHING. He ended up teaching me a lot where I thought it would be the opposite, but we’re a great team! Let him help you now, you’ll be able to get in there more once you’re healed and rested. You’re doing amazing