Son seems to be missing his dad slightly and I am at a loss. (Long)

[gameplay]

A little background: my exH and I have been divorced since March 2017, but he left in September of 2016. A nasty custody battle ensued. He lied about my ability to parent and claimed my anxiety made me unfit to parent. Anyway, exH currently lives about 2k miles away. Back in January of last year he told the judge that he’d move to our home state to be closer to our son. That hasn’t happened.

I have a 4 year old and exH left while he (son) was coming into his own. He doesn’t know anything else but his dad visiting once in a while. I honestly don’t think he knows what a dad is.

Tonight we were talking as I was putting him to sleep to help him wind down. I asked him if he loved mommy, his aunt(my sister), grandma (my mom) he all said yes without hesitation. I asked about his dad and he instantly said ‘NO. HE MEAN. GRRRR’

How do I deal with him asking more and more questions and begins to figure out his dad isn’t there for him? I’m terrified that he’s going to grow up thinking his dad doesn’t love him. I went through that and I don’t want him to repeat my history.

(Sorry for the novel. Please forgive formatting, I’m on the mobile app)

 

[thephilosopher6]

@gameplay Just be honest with him and support him as much as you can. Reassure him that he is loved. There’s no need to tell him bad things about Dad etc. Just explain that he’s far away and try to explain the situation in a way he will understand. He will see things clearer when he gets a little older. Good luck mama, this def is not easy and is probably one of the hardest things to try to navigate after a divorce!!

 

[gameplay]

@thephilosopher6 Thank you. The divorce was his idea and he planned it for a month before sending me a text photo of the filed divorce petition. He also had my son with him and said he wasn’t bringing him back. But despite that, I try to do everything in my power to keep that link going. I know I can’t disparage my ex but I just don’t know how I’m going to answer his ‘why doesn’t dad live with us?’ Question. I can’t tell him dad just up and walked away and has been choosing to stay away.

This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I was completely blindsided and sometimes I feel like I’m roaming around with a blindfold on.

 

[thephilosopher6]

@gameplay I’m so sorry for what you’re going through that’s awful. My ex and I knew we were separating and had time to process and explain everything to our daughter. I’m always honest and open when she asks me questions. It’s always sooo difficult because they’re so young and sometimes they really don’t understand. He will understand one day the truth and fully know what you’re going through today. My daughter still asks me (we been broken up for 8 months now) why we can’t live with daddy and why we aren’t together. It’s difficult, but you’ve got this. Hang in there, I’m not going to say it will get better, but it will. Message me whenever you want I’m always open to more friends

 

[gameplay]

@thephilosopher6 Thank you. I don’t really think he realizes his dad is supposed to be around more than the court ordered every other month visit. Which is fine now (I mean, I prefer it for selfish reasons) but he’s eventually going to realize ‘hey. Why is dad so far away?’ And I won’t tell him this, but exH was supposed to move here but so far has chosen not to follow though. He’s going to put two and two together and I just don’t know how I’m going to handle that conversation. I mean, it would be one thing if I could say ‘well mom and dad love you very much but we just couldn’t be together anymore’ because that’s not true. I very much wanted it to work and wasn’t given the chance. Do I lie to him? Tell him to go ask his dad because I honestly don’t know why his dad left and has failed to fulfill his promises?

Divorce blows.

 

[elliot123]

@gameplay I hope you're ok. It sounds like you've been through a lot and your LO is doing well, you're doing a great job. I can't offer much advice as my fiancé only left me a week ago, but my LO is really upset and panicking all the time. I just keep telling him we all love him, including daddy. He had a set of dinosaurs and there is one for each of us, mama (t rex lol!), dada (stegosaurus- suck my dick plant eater), nana, papa etc and we play with them, dads dinosaur kisses all the dinosaurs and they all get on well. If only we were all dinosaurs huh? Then I'd eat the fucker. I joke.

Also, I am utterly broken and devastated that my fiancé has left us. All I know is that my LO can't ever know that. Then he will probably hold some resent toward his daddy, and as much as I hate him for what he's done to us right now I don't think it's a good idea for him to know if it was up to me we'd be a family still. I know it's hard. So hard.

Keep up the good work, he will be ok. You've got this xxx

 

[harryhood]

@gameplay Google parenting centers in your area. They can provide excellent guidance about navigating situations like this. There are excellent parenting websites, as well. Ask this question of as many parents as you can so you have an array of answers to choose from. Also, ask adults who were children in similar situations what was said to them by their custodial parent that made sense, comforted them, and made them feel more secure as young children.
Best wishes to your family. I hope you are doing OK, too. Big hug from this internet stranger!

 

[gameplay]

@harryhood Thank you for the suggestions! I’m relatively young and most of my friends are either just married or just having kids. I don’t have many divorced peers, so it’s hard finding people that can relate. I’m lucky to have a supportive family though. I can ask my therapist if there are single parent groups in the area, I’m sure there are.
He’s a very secure kid tbh. My family has done an incredible job at stepping up and in to make up for the loss of exH. My dad has really taken the place of the father figure. And we are very close as I’ve been a SAHM since he was born. This is his normal, but I know there’s going to be a time where he realizes that it’s not really ‘normal’. I also have pretty bad anxiety so it might just be my anxiety acting up and causing these thoughts.
Thank you!!!

 

[harryhood]

@gameplay “This is his normal, but I realize there is going to be a time when he realizes it’s not really ‘normal.’”

There is a wide range of “normal” in today’s neighborhoods. Your current family IS normal. Help your son understand that families come in all shapes, sizes, mixed colors, mixed physical, cognitive, and emotional abilities, and they are sometimes chosen family instead of blood family. Over time, as your son comes to embrace the array that means “family,” your situation will be comfortable for him. Children’s books from the public library make a good starting point. Librarians are unsung heroes. Let them know what topics you are seeking, and watch them quietly leap into action. : ) I love librarians. Hug to you from this internet stranger!

 

[jay217]

@gameplay Well, first, don't bring up his dad to him.

 

[gameplay]

@jay217 Well. I mean. He’s his dad, no matter what I think of him. I try to separate him as a shitty ex husband and him as a dad. I grew up without a relationship with me dad (which has changed now that I’m a parent ironically) and my mom always made sure that she made an effort to encourage a relationship between us. And I want to do the same. But, I can only do so much. I don’t want him growing up and looking at me asking why I kept him away from his dad. That’s all on my exH at this point. I can’t be a better dad but I can be a better mom for him. Not talking about him isn’t really an option, especially when ex has threatened to take me to court for parental alienation.