So frustrated with my coparent

[jesusismysavior]

My coparent is so frustrating. We are going through a custody battle, and she is so unreasonable with agreeing to a schedule. We have been 50/50 since we broke up, but sometime a few months ago, the mom decided she can't go more than 2 days without seeing the kid. So none of the standard 50/50 schedules work. I proposed the typical I have M,T, she has W,Th, and then we alternate weekends, and she said no. I also proposed alternating weeks, also rejected. She wants her every halloween, because halloween is her favorite holiday. I like halloween too! It's like she can't come to terms with the reality of breaking up. It's weird, she actually wishes I would just abandon my kid so she can be a fully single mom. She even recently accused me of child abuse, to try to get 50/50 custody. What is this psychology, that the person doesn't want their kid to have a present dad? It's strange to me.

 

[achieng]

@jesusismysavior How about proposing splitting holidays in half?

So one gets Halloween morning-early afternoon, the other gets Halloween evening. Same with Christmas/Christmas Eve. Then alternate each year who has morning and who has evening?

That’s what I do with my kiddos, as no one wants to miss out on some holiday fun with their children (especially if they’re younger children). Initially, I proposed to my eldest daughters dad that we alternate who gets Christmas and who gets Christmas Eve - but we realized that neither of us wants to give up that whole day of making memories, so we continue to just cut all holidays in half

Mom might be more open to that?

 

[proverb_31]

@achieng Just out of interest, what do you do in the morning of Halloween? I ask as a Brit because Halloween isn't a "holiday" here really so unfamiliar.

 

[svs1957]

@proverb_31 Especially when it’s on a weekday

 

[achieng]

@proverb_31 We always have some type of “trunk or treat” here starting around 10am. Usually just going around a shopping mall.
We also have pumpkin patches / farms that open around the same time. They have corn mazes and games. Same thing with the apple orchard near us.

And I always do some kind of “spooky” breakfast on or around Halloween - pumpkin pancakes, ghost bananas. But my kids are still young. For an older kid, maybe scary movies in bed?

 

[perseverancethroughfaith]

@jesusismysavior My kid is 9 and we separated when she was 10 months old. She has never been able to cope with more than 3 days without seeing the other parent. My friends do 2 weeks/2 weeks but they are pretty cold with their kids and there is 2 of them.
What is best for your specific child. That should be what decision are based on and nothing else really matters.

 

[jonfromminnesota]

@jesusismysavior I understand that is tough to come to some agreement, as I went through what you are going through, few years back. So she wants Halloween, ok fine, use it as a leverage for example you get nye+ nye day every year? Or Xmas? For any concessions she would like, negotiate, and stand your ground… a child needs both father and mother .

 

[maryannmaria]

@jesusismysavior Maybe instead of assuming the worst like seemingly everyone else, you could assume the best: your ex loves her child and misses her. Mothers often form an attachment that can make it difficult to be without their children. That doesn’t mean she’s trying to get more child support or anything nefarious.

My daughter is almost three, and I’ve never spent even a full 24 hours away from her. I’ve been a single mother from the beginning, and at one point her biological father contacted me saying he wants to meet her and be in her life. I was so scared of suddenly losing days or weeks or holidays with her. I can totally sympathize with your ex. Thankfully in my situation he was just day drunk and never followed through with anything. (I see people mentioning studies that show kids without a father involved are emotionally disadvantaged, but not having one is better than having a bad one.)

Obviously that doesn’t mean your similar feelings are invalid. Divorce isn’t easy for anyone. The court will determine what’s best for the child, then you both have to follow it. You will all probably do well to start therapy (your child included, if they’re old enough).

 

[joneshomes]

@maryannmaria Thankfully?
You don’t think kids need dads ?

 

[maryannmaria]

@joneshomes I think kids need good dads. Not having a dad is better than having a bad one. I didn’t think I could have kids, so obviously my pregnancy was unplanned. The father of my child didn’t even want me to keep the baby. He wasn’t involved in my pregnancy. He wouldn’t even respond to my messages when I was struggling with health and financial issues during the pandemic ALONE as a new mom. I had to take him to court to get the bare minimum child support two years later (not even half of daycare costs). He’s an alcoholic. He has two DUIs. He is high all the time, does cocaine at parties, and still lives on his family’s ranch. His parents are rich, so he has no ambition or desire to do anything with his life.

We were good friends. We made a baby together in a moment of passion at my going away party before law school (add in a broken condom and the fact that I didn’t get Plan B because I thought I couldn’t get pregnant… voila). But I would NEVER have chosen to have a child with him. I would never have dated him. He’s a spoiled man-child.

When he contacted me, he was clearly drunk (in the middle of the day on a Sunday. He alternated between complimenting me on doing such a good job as a mother and berating me for “getting the state involved.” He tried to manipulate me into dropping the child support, saying he’d introduce my daughter to his family and be involved if I did.

Yeah. Sure sounds like the type of man I want raising my daughter. No. Not unless he completely changes his entire life. Lol

I’m dating again, and I’m hoping to build a family with a life partner who will treat both of us with respect and love. Someone who will provide stability, not chaos. I want my daughter to have a father, but not her biological father.

 

[joneshomes]

@maryannmaria Totally understand where you’re coming from now. You didn’t mention his stability as a parent in the comment I replied to initially! Hope everything goes well for you!

 

[katrina2017]

@maryannmaria Dads don’t form attachments with their children that make it difficult for them to be without them?

 

[maryannmaria]

@katrina2017 I never said that. I was trying to explain her behavior, so I talked about mothers.

I watched a documentary about this, actually. It came out in 2020 right before I gave birth. Mothers almost always form this deep attachment due to physical changes in the brain and hormones. It helps us sleep more lightly, gives us a “healthy” level of anxiety, and attachment that helps encourage bonding and protecting.

Men have a choice. If they choose to be involved in raising the child, their brains can undergo similar changes and form deep attachments too. But unlike women who carry the child for nine months, give birth, and often breastfeed, men can choose to walk away.

Women can walk away too. I know there are single dads with full custody. I know there are moms who give their babies up for adoption. There are always exceptions. But they have to overcome or ignore the changes in their brains and bodies to do that.

 

[basilisk06]

@maryannmaria

I was so scared of suddenly losing days or weeks or holidays with her.

Even in the best characterization, that's still simple selfishness.

 

[maryannmaria]

@basilisk06 A parent wanting to spend every day with their child is not selfish. It’s evolutionarily beneficial to have such a deep bond. What would be selfish is to withhold that from the other parent. Admitting I was afraid to lose that time with my daughter doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have supported her dad’s right to the same… as long as he would give her a safe, healthy, loving, consistent home just as I do.

In the OP’s situation, the mother is acting selfish by giving into those emotions and instincts and seeking to deprive him of his equal right to raise their child. But that doesn’t mean what everyone else is saying: that she’s just trying to get more child support or get rid of him and use him for his money and nothing else.

 

[braiser]

@basilisk06 A healthy, stable, consistent, parent scared of changes to routine and impact on not only self but the mutual child vs a toxic, unstable, inconsistent, parent, getting more custody time, and in doing so, damaging routines, mental growth, and potential the physical autonomy of the child.

Is it actually all that selfish based on the current options?

 

[jahovalbless04]

@jesusismysavior She even recently accused me of child abuse, to try to get 50/50 custody

This statement doesn't make sense to me; most parents will falsely accuse the other of abuse in order to gain 100% or majority (over 51%) custody. If she did make a false accusation to proper authorities & the accusation was determined to be "unfounded" or "lacked support" (in other words, she lied), this is a form of parental alienation & is severely frowned upon by most child/family courts.

If you are a decent parent, who genuinely has their child's best interest in mind (even though they may currently lack the skills), you both reside w/in a reasonable distance to transport child to/from daycare/school/doctors/etc, AND you currently have 50/50 custody/parenting time, most child/family courts will not break status quo & give one parent majority custody. There are of course exceptions & each situation is different.

If you have not yet actually filed in court for a Proposed Parenting Time Schedule (or something like it), I would highly recommend you seek out a lawyer/paralegal/library that can help you get the process started. If you are just trying to make an agreement with your ex without involving courts, you can of course use mediation or a decision maker for this instance. If all reasonable attempts to come to an agreement outside of court are met with unreasonable demands, please seek out legal assistance.

The schedule you suggested to her (M/T you, W/R her, alternate weekends) is called a 5-2-2-5 schedule & is consistent with most parenting time discussions. If she is unwilling to go more than 2 days, then keep your daughter every 2 days. You'll still get weekends & holidays (if you don't have an alternate holiday schedule) and you get your daughter every 2 days even if there is a holiday.

Good luck! Remember it seems like this won't ever end, but it will.

 

[morgandeb]

@jahovalbless04 I’m just here to reply to your first paragraph. What OP posted is exactly what happened to me. My ex had me served for 50/50 custody, attached to those documents was another document. It was about child abuse, he could’ve chosen not to fill it out, but he did fill it out. He accused me of child abuse, causing “emotional trauma” to our child. These were all unfounded, and he has zero repercussions for such an accusation which sickens me.

 

[jaymis]

@morgandeb Did you retain your 50/50 due to those allegations being unfounded? While he may not have immediate repercussions, Department of Child & Family Services are very aware of parents who cry “wolf” & will often shelve future similar complaints w/o investigation. Often they won’t even notify you a “complaint” had/has been filed.

I do agree that parents who use that tactic are gross & should face some type of reprimand or “punishment” because they are the ones clogging up the system & wasting resources needed elsewhere.

 

[morgandeb]

@jaymis I’ve had full custody the whole time and still have it. I genuinely get angry about it because he was able to fill out the form without any evidence attached. The system is really messed up. I’m in Australia btw, so it’s not all the same but similar.