Sleep training V. Nursing to sleep

T

tongdtbds3

New member
Any input is appreciated. My husband has been trying to convince me to sleep train our 4 month old, and he will not let it go. Here’s the background info: I chose to bed share and I BF except for the 3 days a week I am working. My longest shift is 6.5 hours. My mom watches her two days a week and my husband watches her when I work a weekend day, which is 3 days per month. I nurse my baby to sleep for almost every nap except if I have an errand to run she will sleep in the car. I used to be able to get her to sleep with rocking, a pacifier or just holding her and walking laps. But over time, she has developed a preference for only wanting to nurse to sleep and will spit out pacifiers of all kinds. I still try here and there to use a pacifier or cuddle her but nothing works. I don’t believe in CIO so I nurse her.

My husband says that I’m causing her to suffer and decreasing her quality of life when others watch her because they have a difficult time getting her to nap. My mom admits it is “tough” and can take her 30 or more minutes of crying to get her to sleep. She does get in three naps with my mom. Husband says the first nap or two go ok for him, but she doesn’t sleep long and end up overtired and then the third nap is a nightmare.

So, should I sleep train her? Nursing to sleep feels so natural to me and it works for us however, I hate to think she is miserable when I’m not around.

Also, because I nurse to sleep nearly all naps are contact naps which my husband says I am also creating a bad happen. I do try to lay her down but she very often wakes up.

Am I wrong for not correcting nursing to sleep and/or contact naps?
 
@tongdtbds3 What we "learn" about this in my culture is that babies are incredibly adaptive and flexible. They can nurse to sleep and contact nap with you all the time, and still be totally fine with someone else for naps as well. It's a matter of time and teamwork from the other person and your baby. The other person needs to invest in finding out what other merhods work to help your baby fall asleep, and your baby needs to learn that they are safe with this person so they can feel relaxed with them. Babies are very good at learning that with mama it goes one way and with daddy/granny/daycare it goes a different way.

My personal experience is that my baby nurses/contact naps with me always, and on the 3 days that I work, she goes to daycare, where they've put her to bed with their own little ritual since the beginning and after a few weeks she slept like an angel there! Sure the first few days there she hardly slept at all, but they didn't let her cry ever - just gave up for that moment and tried again an hour or so later.

I'm not planning to sleep train and so far it seems to work itself out (knock on wood though!)
 
@thomasjh Thanks for your feedback. I feel like out situations are similar. I think that part of the problem for my husband is that he only watches her those three day a month. My mom admits it’s tough for her, but she seems to be more successful probably because she watches our daughter a steady two days a week. I’ve noticed she can get our LO to sleep with a pacifier or in the swing when I know that would never fly for me.
 
@tongdtbds3 Any chance dad can put her to bed every now and then while you're home? You might need to take a short stroll around the block if she's anything like mine (won't take it if mama's in the house)...
 
@tongdtbds3 Ha he can complain all he wants - he chose to be a parent too and putting you child to bed is part of the job. Plus if he does it a bit more often and it goes better, it's actually a really nice, cosy way to have quality time with his baby :)
 
@thomasjh You’re absolutely right!
My baby won’t take a pacifier from me unless shes almost completely asleep. She’ll take one from dad or daycare or grandma without issue, as long as shes not actually hungry. I often nurse to sleep but she falls asleep ok for dad and daycare too. It just takes time and routine.
 
@thomasjh This is exactly it! Dad has to figure out his own routine with baby, and baby will be fine.

3 kids here…. I’ve done it all. Nursed to sleep, “gentle” CIO, full on CIO, and everything in between.

With my 3rd being 15mo, I’ve stopped forcing things and just go with what works. I’ve nursed her to sleep every night since she was born and she sleeps great. I started going out one night a week a few weeks ago, and even though she’s never gone to bed with anyone but me (my husband puts the two older kids to bed, so he had never actually done her bedtime), she falls asleep just fine with him.

OP, you’re into creating bad habits or making her life harder by nursing her to sleep. It is such a great bonding experience, and is so soothing to your baby. Other caregivers can find their own methods, and she’ll be fine with it. They need to stop blaming you!
 
@tongdtbds3 I've nursed to sleep since our LG was 3 weeks old, which is when we started contact napping and co-sleeping. She started daycare at 6 months and would not nap there. It took her a month to adjust her schedule, but she now sleeps in the crib there and she nurses to sleep at home where we cosleep.

I'm 100% not an expert, but I think a lot of it is just going to be time. Can you try putting on a song or a show that will help your little one fall asleep to? Something to adjust what they relate sleeping to?
 
@tongdtbds3 My daughter is 18 months. We still nurse to sleep and contact nap. It felt like a lot in the beginning cause I was always very limited during her naps. But the days she falls asleep in the car I feel so sad I didn’t get my nap snuggles. I bed share as well and I love waking up to her little face and snuggles and our morning nursing sessions.

If you works for you then it works for you until it doesn’t was always the advice I followed.
 
@tongdtbds3 I’m just here to say that there is nothing wrong with nursing to sleep if that’s what works for you! My son is 13months now I still co sleep and co nap and he always breast feeds to sleep. I’m able to do this so I’m happy too. Sometimes because of this strong sleep association my son has, it can be hard for others to get them down for a nap but i think you could find a middle ground. Just know it’s going to take time for that habit to change it won’t just be a walk in the park!
 
@tongdtbds3 Usually my son will fight a little and want to stay up longer when my mom try’s to get him down for a nap but he will eventually settle , much like your case! I’ve wanted to try adding a sleep association like a lovie or back rubs or butt pats. That could be an option! A middle ground could be seeing if they can rock her with a bottle of breast milk to sleep? Not sure if they do that already when you aren’t there. Maybe you could slowly introduce a bottle for nap time and lay her down if that’s what you do. Maybe this gives you ideas! But I haven’t been able to do it successfully but I’ve seen others recommend ideas like this.
 
@tongdtbds3 Is nursing to sleep a habit? Yes. Is it a bad habit at 4 months old? Not if it’s working for everyone involved.

I nurses my son to sleep till 7 months old. I talked to my husband about stopping earlier, but he was sleeping 12 hours straight at night and it felt like a small price to pay. That being said, I was the only one who could put him to sleep and it was getting tiring to me.

We went on vacation with my family at when he was 7 months old and they offered to help put him to sleep. So for those 3 weeks we alternated between my husband, my mother and my father being the one to put him to sleep. Longest he ever cried for? 12 minutes. After 4 days he was going to sleep on his own consistently, no crying.

He’s now 18 months, still sleeping 12 hours a night and I love that my husband takes half the bedtimes now. I have freedom some evenings and he feels more involved and helpful.
 
@tongdtbds3 This is hard. I think if nursing to sleep feels normal and right, you may struggle with sleep training. I know I did. But the sleeptrain Reddit group has great info. And also, that 4 month period where a regression can hit is rough for everyone.

My LO is 10.5 months, nursed to sleep (Canada so 1 year mat leave) and I’ve loved/hated. I personally cant take the tears, my husband can’t take the tears. We just can’t sleep train. It’s not the best choice for us. Our LO has been difficult to get to sleep but my mom & MIL have accepted our choice and made it work. My mom stands and rocks her while playing lullaby music and my MIL takes her for walks in the stroller. We are VERY fortunate both are just happy to spend time watching her.

My husband has had really good luck lately rocking her to sleep, singing lullabies. So I’ve tried and somehow, this past week I’ve been able to just rock my LO for first nap. I know this is a sign we are moving in the right direction. We do still contact nap but I’m only going to have two little babies … and this way I get to cuddle my baby. Again.. love/hate. I hate I don’t have freedom and the house can be messy. But I love every second of holding her and will slowly change as she is ready.
 
@lenetra I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m glad for you that you have support. I think that’s probably the toughest part for me. My mom makes it work but husband blames me and FIL has mentioned CIO which I’m like you and I just can’t take it. I’m just going to keep holding my ground and doing what I feel is best. Yesterday I did put her down for 1 nap with rocking and it was fine. I will likely continue to do at least 1 nap a day that way for now.
 
@tongdtbds3 I think if you can get her to sleep without it then do it! Imo that is the hardest feeding to cut when you're ready to ween & It probably makes it harder for the people helping you to get her down. I think you're saving yourself future struggles
 
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