Single father of 4 (3, 5, 6, and 9), and my youngest cries for mommy every time she’s disciplined, even though she left when she was only 6 mos

[noochandthegoodbook]

Their mother passed away a little over a year ago, they haven’t seen her in almost 2 years and hasn’t lived with us in over 3 years. Yet every time she gets in trouble, she screams for mommy and it drives me insane. It hurts my heart but at the same time it makes me angry. Any thoughts on how to get her to stop?

 

[mototothemax]

@noochandthegoodbook This doesn't really help at all, but hopefully it does. My youngest is used to cry for Mom when I would yell at them- I'm Mom. I don't know if there's something in a smaller child's development that makes that word "magical" but being around children for so long I have noticed that the small ones search for a "mom" in their life or use it like a magic word when they need saving. I like to think that "Mom" to little kids is like Superman. The person, thought or word can fix anything. My heart goes out to you for your struggles and your loss.

 

[godsgirl]

@mototothemax Understanding this helped me. Of course mama usually means a person, but sometimes it just means “please make everything OK again”.

 

[kayreborn]

@godsgirl As a single dad this just made me realize I am mama too. Thank you.

 

[godsgirl]

@kayreborn Yeah, my daughter pushed away everyone who wasn't mum for her first 2-3 years. Luckily, I was able to bond properly with her before the divorce.

 

[kayreborn]

@godsgirl Keep it up buddy

 

[lc4yah]

@mototothemax My youngest did this except it was Daddy and not Mommy. It ripped mom's heart out.

He would do it at daycare and they would call me. I had to explain to them that he wasn't actually asking for me. He just wanted the feeling he got when I held him and made everything OK.

 

[pastorsamukelisiwe]

@mototothemax Totally this.

My son always calls out “I want mummy” when he’s really sad and crying, even when it’s me (his mum) cuddling him already. It’s the word in their vocabulary which means “I want what will make it better”. We’ve started saying “mummy’s got you, do you want [his toy] instead” and he immediately gets it and switches. It’s like he’s so distressed his brain is short circuiting to the feeling, but the words haven’t caught up.

My sons the same age as OPs youngest btw.

 

[prays]

@mototothemax One hundred times this.

 

[daniel9v9]

@mototothemax Solo full time dad of three here, my kids do the same thing, but the opposite. If they are in trouble, no matter how much, all three of mine (9m, 7m, 4f) will cry for "daddy" and always have.

I imagine that children are just crying for what their consistent and familiar source of comfort is.

 

[forbidner]

@mototothemax Ditto. My 5 year old still does it occasionally when she's properly upset

 

[katrina2017]

@noochandthegoodbook I’m a mental health therapist and I specialize in play therapy for children who’ve experienced trauma. I would agree that maybe she needs to do some work surrounding her missing mom. Despite the fact that she’s hardly known her as a stable figure on her world, she grew inside of her and innately knows she has/had a mother somewhere.

I get that therapy is expensive and maybe not an option, so start by doing some research attachment and the ways it effects kids and their behaviors. Also, work on your own emotional regulation, coregulation is a thing and it’s very important.

I’m curious in what ways you discipline, often times we as parents just put them in timeout or their room or send them ‘away’ to get the crying or ugly feelings out then want them to return. They don’t have the skills to self-regulate quite yet and often times this sends the message that they can’t be ugly or lose control with their parent because that’s not safe, we can’t handle it. I’m not saying to cater to her every need but maybe try sitting near her or with her while she tantrums. Hug her, love her through it and later when she’s calm and you’re calm and you’re both back in your thinking brains use calm kind words to explain why she was in trouble and how she can make better choices next time.

It feels daunting and sounds like something out of a marry poppins book but it might help to foster a more secure attachment with you.

It’s also natural that when a kiddo is mad at one parent they automatically want the other one.

Best of luck and let me know if I can help further!

 

[garretfut]

@katrina2017 We call those “time-ins” rather than “time-outs” and they appear to foster a teamwork relationship where my kids and I can work through big emotions together. It’s definitely helped my relationship with my 5yo (who was 4 when we made the “switch”) and his emotional regulation is so much more on point now- he’s great at verbalizing feelings and I’ve seen great strides in being able to chill himself out and problem solve. And it keeps me from being the “bad guy”. Janet Lansbury’s book “no bad kids- toddler discipline without shame” (and her podcast “unruffled”) really helped bring me from failing “parent-trying-to-control-my-kid” to “teacher/mentor-helping-my-kid-through-tough-times”. Highly recommend.

 

[bookowl]

@garretfut These resources are fantastic and have helped me so much. I second the reccomendation

 

[zhand]

@katrina2017 Thanks for your post. I took something away from it. I’m a singe dad with full custody of my 7 year old. My ex was an horrible alcoholic who did unspeakable stuff to us throughout the years. My son has severe emotional issues and it’s showing at school. We are both in therapy but unfortunately we are both emotional train wrecks still. I’m trying to keep it together for him but it’s hard. Thanks for your comment because it made me think about it in a different way.

 

[maximum7]

@zhand Same story with me and my 5 year old daughter. Hang in there brother!

 

[grace1]

@katrina2017 This is where my SO and I get into a disagreement.

He will tell 2yo LO no [can't have/touch/etc], she will start to cry and he tells LO to go sit down (away from him). It makes her cry harder. She has to sit there until shes done crying. There isn't any follow up. When shes done crying she will wander off and go do something else. If she comes back to whatever it was he said no about, the cycle repeats.

I say no, with an explanation (I know it makes you sad that you can't have x). She cries. I ask if she wants a hug. I sit with her through her feelings and when shes done crying I reiterate what we discussed and then redirect her to something else.

He thinks I undermine him because if I am present I will do it my way, even if he has already started his discipline. He thinks my way isn't effective and that I am babying her. I think he way is too authoritative.

All of this said, and she prefers me over him significantly. I think it is because I explain things to her and I give gentle reminders about behavior. Whereas he gives no explanation and very stern reminders about behavior. He thinks it is because I spend way more time with her (he works a lot).

Side note: We both always follow through with our discipline. Even though I am more gentle than he is, I am consistent.

 

[doantrang]

@grace1 Children this age do not understand emotions, cause and effect, or the passage of time. When he does this it doesn't help anybody but him because he doesn't have to deal with a screaming or upset child. HE is undermining HER emotional development and understanding of cause and effect. Not to mention their relationship. Your approach is more appropriate, especially for that age range.

Consider what a child is learning about life when they are treated this way.
1. If I don't like what you're doing, I can make you go away.
2. (Maybe) that it's ok to yell when you're mad. I add this because my sister does this same thing and it's always with yelling.
3. Dad doesn't want to know why I'm mad or to help me/don't show Dad my feelings.
4. My feelings don't matter, I just should just be quiet.

Teach your child how to communicate their feelinsg so they are able to share them with you or others they trust. This problem will age with your child and lead to lack of communication between her and your husband. When I was a teenager I was able to talk to my parents without the fear of being dismissed or undermined, and that's my goal with my 2 yo daughter.

Be careful to have these kinds of discussions when neither of you are already mad. I know it's hard to find the right time, and to maybe start a hard conversation instead of just going through your day. When these conversations happen when you're already worked up it tends to be bad from the beginning.

 

[jackregier99]

@grace1 This is how I disciplined my son from when he was an infant. Tell him no and WHY it's a no, even if he disagreed with the reason, then gently redirect. His father would say no and not give a reason, nor redirect, or speak in a way that showed our son respect. Inevitably, DS has always felt closer to me and even dislikes having his once a month Skype call with his father (we're in a different country to his dad, and have been since DS was 14 - he's 20 now). I always tried to explain the importance of effective communication to my (now ex-) husband, but he said, "This is the way my dad did it, so it's the way I do it".

 

[grace1]

@jackregier99 This is the same line of reasoning I receive from him. I feel like she will gain trust and respect from me by going this route. I also feel like it provides her with critical thinking opportunities if I explain why I made the decision that is effecting her. I'll say, "Don't touch the stove, it is hot and could burn you. Ouch!" Now, she will walk by the stove and point to it and say, "Hot!" I will say, "Yes you are right it is hot. That's why we don't touch it." To reinforce what we talked about.