Sibling age gaps...nervous!

[marieagrace]

Good morning! I'm 36 and have a 12 year old daughter, her Dad lives 6 hours away and is a FaceTime Dad and it's becoming less and less since he has had his 2 younger daughters (6 & 4 now). I am in a relationship with the man of my dreams who is the most supportive and loving person in the world. My daughter has hated everyone I've dated and the 2 of them have the best bond ever which is incredible. He has a 12 year old son and a 10 year old daughter. I'm his first long term relationship since their parents separated years ago. His son (& my daughter) both are resistant to change and they've all come to terms with & are excited about us moving in with them in September. They're all finally adjusted to each other, to us living together, to the renovations we are working on in the home and then boom. Yesterday I got a positive pregnancy test. I never wanted anymore kids because my first experience was traumatic physically and mentally and I had zero support. He is the only person I would ever want to do this with (and will absolutely by my last kiddo) but I'm freaking out that we are going to mess up our kids now (which sounds dramatic I know). This will be the biggest change of all for them. I'll be 37 when I give birth birth (due the same month my daughter turns 13) and I'm worried about the age gaps and what the dynamic will be... anyone have any advice on blended families welcoming a new child in their later 30's and age gap pros/cons? I could use some advice from those who have been here before!

 

[bibleman00001]

@marieagrace Not quite the same situation, but I have a half-sibling from my dad's first marriage who is 11 years older. Afaik he wasn't resentful of me and our younger brother (2yrs behind me), but he did push the envelope with my parents a lot. No idea if that was related to us or just part of him being a teenager, I remember him being very patient with us kids. At the least we were always a good source for babysitting pocket money!

I'm 35 now, and we have mostly gotten to know each other as adults. We're probably about as close as I am with our younger brother, so it worked out.

Eta: He and I share the same birth month too! Never was an issue, birthdays were almost 3 wks apart anyway.

 

[marieagrace]

@bibleman00001 Thank you very much for sharing that with me! I really appreciate it!

 

[bibleman00001]

@marieagrace You're welcome! To address what the other lady said, I think my parents had a view on my brother's babysitting that it was available as income for him whenever he wanted it, and not that he was made to do it at times he didn't want to. Not sure if they were deliberately avoiding parentification or just being fair as they saw fair. For the record

 

[drjellyjoe]

@marieagrace I’ve seen age gaps like this work out really well and also less well and it really depends. On the less positive side of the spectrum, I’m 12 years older than my half brother and we’re not super close. I definitely resented him growing up because my parents really leaned in to the whole “built in babysitter” thing. I ended up feeling much more like another parent than a sibling and it’s really affected our relationship long-term. Also, my parents were much better off financially when they had him than when I was born, and it was very hard to not feel jealous.
But a lot of that resentment and jealousy could’ve been alleviated with different parenting choices. My cousin has an 11 year age gap with her sister (we’re all immigrants so that kind of age gap isn’t that rare) and they are the best of friends.
I’m 38 now and I have a 10 year old from my first marriage, a 4 year old with my current husband and and I’m currently pregnant with my third. (I’ll be 39 when I give birth which feels insanely old, but what can you do). My husband and I are very careful to avoid any hint of parentification and we make sure that we get quality one on one time with each kid. The oldest sees her dad every other weekend and we try to make sure we schedule big family events only during the time that she’s with us so that she doesn’t feel left out or like she’s being replaced (projection on my end? Probably but better safe than sorry!) They absolutely adore each other and are incredibly excited for another sibling. I think the fact that you’re conscious of the potential issues and are actively thinking about their feelings means you’re going to do great. Congratulations!

 

[marieagrace]

@drjellyjoe Thank you for sharing this with me! We definitely are conscious of spending quality time with each individually and our kids are both on travel teams for different sports so that is something we will absolutely not stop doing. Showing up for each of them is important to us and definitely doing the big moments when we're all together. I'm scared of the resentment and jealousy too but will do what I can to curb some of that and make them all feel loved and important. Congratulations on your little one!

 

[cheesed1]

@marieagrace I have two step siblings that are 14 and 15 years older than me from my dad's first marriage, and half siblings that are 10 and 15 years younger than me from my mom's second marriage. My dad's on marriage number three, my mom is still on marriage number two.

I wasn't particularly happy when my brother was born, but that was because I'd been asking for a sibling since I was quite young, I wanted somebody to be able to play with, and I knew that wasn't going to happen with a 10-year age difference. Once he was here, I was happy he was around. I have a really close relationship with my little sister, but it takes work to maintain when there's that much of an age difference.

Also, my mom was 23 when I was born, had just turned 34 when my brother was born, and was 3 weeks away from being 39 when my little sister was born.

 

[kg1963]

@marieagrace So my ex got married years and years ago (we co parent amicably). Him and his wife had a kiddo when our oldest was 11. They love their little brother, but is more like an aunt in a way.

I had another kiddo when first born was 5 and a half, and they have a more stereotypical sibling relationship.

I’m now 15 weeks with my third with my current dream guy as well. I’m bummed this one won’t have the same sibling relationship, but what can you do.

Edit; I’ll be 37 when this one is born as well. Never thought I’d be here either, but now that I am I’m just leaning into it. I’ve lived alone since I was 22. My other two kids also have different fathers, now having a third kid with yet another different father makes me feel the epitome of white trash. When really, it’s that I finally met My Person at 35. I think it’s important to reassure the kids that while in some ways things are going to change, how much you love them won’t change. I’m still going to make time for each of them. We’ll still have some one on one time. I’ve been alone with my kids for a very long time, so this is a huge change for them.

 

[tonyfaver]

@marieagrace I don't know if this will be helpful at all, since I don't come from a blended family, so it might not apply, but my little sister was born when I was 12. When she was little, I acted like her second mom (she would cry for me whenever she got scolded and come to me for lots of things) and now that we are both older that relationship has morphed into a close friendship, and she's one of my best friends. So really speaking more to your fears about age gap - I think in some ways the age gap made it easier for us to have a good relationship bc I was old enough to not feel like I was competing with her for things the way I did with my other sibling closer in age to me, and more like someone I wanted to protect and care for. I got to participate in watching this little person grow up, and I didn't feel resentful bc it wasn't like I needed to share toys or anything with her. My parents didn't put any responsibility on me to care for her but I think I just naturally wanted to bc I was old enough to see her as this little being I loved. So that's to say, maybe the age difference in itself won't be as big of an issue as you think if you can help foster in your kids a sense of like, "this isn't a baby that's replacing any of you, but OUR baby we get to all love and care and watch grow together as a family." It could be a glue that binds your family even tighter.

 

[coolas]

@marieagrace My brother is 11 1/2 years younger than me and he’s the best sibling. We always got along well. I use to take him and his friends to the science museum or he’d stay with me when I moved out. We played on the same community softball team as adults for several years. Wouldn’t change it for the world.