Should I tell my parents I was raped?

[chesney]

If you are a parent and are reading this, would you want to know?

I'm (F, 20) scared, because my parents are conservative and it happened as a result of a Tinder date. My mom said that if a persons gets raped because of Tinder then the victim "brought it on themselves"

This happened in February and it's late August as of now. And the trauma I have gone through has changed me a lot as a person (so sensitive, cry all the time, v. depressed) and thus, the relationship with my parents.

I don't know what to do, please help me... please

Update - thanks for the reward!!!

Update, 29 Jan 2022: I finally told them, I told them the minute details (i.e., that it wasn't a Tinder date.) Been crying so much, the relief of it all. They were so warm about it. They said they'll do what I want to do (no police involved, just counselling) and they were so understanding. Seems like their previous opinions changed when it happened to their own child.

 

[mktsparks]

@chesney Is there a possibility you could invite your parents into a therapy session and tell them there? That would give you an ally and advocate in the room if things go badly with your parents.

I'm a parent, but of a young child. I would 100% want to know so I could be supportive. I would never want my daughter to feel as if she had to go though something like this alone. Even if they dislike your actions (Tinder date), they shouldn't blame you for being raped. That said, I also have conservative parents and have chosen not to share some things in the past because I feared their reactions. Ultimately, you're the only person who can decide if you want to tell them and if/when you're ready.

 

[jesusis1]

@mktsparks Bringing them to a session is a great idea

 

[biblesniffer]

@chesney I would want to know. I would never blame my daughter. My heart is breaking for you. But if you’re scared to tell them get counseling first like someone else suggested.
But your parents love you they would want to help you.
And just in case: It’s definitely NOT your fault. You are the victim and you did nothing wrong.

 

[chesney]

@biblesniffer Can I ask if you are a parent? I have been to therapy over it but they have just urged me to tell my parents when I'm ready. And my mom has some backwards ways of thinking about online dating, which is now a generational thing, but still, I wish that if I told her that she'd be sympathetic.

 

[biblesniffer]

@chesney Yes, I have a daughter. She is really young though so dating is not an issue now. Also: when I was 10 I was sexually abused by an 18 year old man on a holiday camp. I blamed myself and was afraid to tell my parents until I was an adult myself. I know now that I should have told them because they would have told me it was not my fault.
The things your mom said are most likely not well thought out. It doesn’t mean she will blame you. If something was to happen to my daughter I would want to be there for her.

 

[wayne15]

@biblesniffer I’m very sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re doing well.

 

[pauleddu]

@chesney My parents have some backwards or old school ways of thinking too. I was damn surprised when they were ok with my sibling traveling halfway across the world , or meeting several of her boyfriends.

When I was her age "boyfriend' wasn't even in our vocabulary.

So things can turn around and change. I think forget what your mom's said about victims. People learn new things all the time that change their perspectives.

If you feel ok with it, tell them.

I am a parent and I would want to know. Though I understand why you feel hesitant based on my own parents.

 

[bluebird29]

@chesney As someone who was in your shoes once (raped on a tinder date, conservative parents) you don't have to tell them. I have not told my parents because they would react poorly. I went to therapy on my own and talked about it with trusted friends. I've come to terms with it on my own and my parents are completely out of the loop. I felt that my parents getting involved would not help me heal at all and that having them blame me would just make it worse. If you want to have legal action taken against your rapist you may need to involve your parents, but for me I didn't want to do that. It's been about 3 years since I was raped and I don't really think about it much anymore. I'm in a happy, healthy relationship of 2 years (with someone different off tinder) and I chose to confide in him instead of my parents. Ultimately it's up to you weather you think telling your parents would be good or bad for your relationship with them. Just remember that it was NOT your fault and that not everyone on tinder is a sexual predator. Get yourself something that will make you feel safe for future dates (pocket knife, pepper spray, etc) and plan to go on only double dates or group hang outs at first. You don't ever have to meet someone alone.

 

[raw83]

@bluebird29 Adding onto this because I've also been there. It was before tinder, so just an old fashioned too drunk at a party situation and I blamed myself and never told anyone for years. I wish I had valued myself enough to tell anyone, so I'm glad you are talking to a therapist. It seems like the therapist isn't giving you the closure on your feelings though, and that talking to your parents might give you more of the healing you need.

I'm a parent now and it would break my heart to hear that this happened to my daughter, but it would break my heart more to know that it happened and she didn't want to tell me. I'm sure (or at least I hope) your mom was not thinking clearly when she said that, and that she respects you enough to know that this isn't your fault and give you the support you deserve.

 

[tonyann]

@chesney I would absolutely want to know and I would never put blame on my daughter. When your mother says 'the victim "brought it on themselves"' she is absolutely wrong. I don't mean wrong like I don't share her opinion but as wrong as if she said water is dry and fire is cold.

The thing is, it's easy to say and believe terrible judgmental things like what she says in the abstract. When it happens to you or a loved one, things are different.

Once again, this isn't your fault and you didn't bring in on yourself.

 

[beachlady]

@chesney Not a parent, but I think that you should talk to a therapist before telling your parents, in case they respond badly

 

[robert72]

@beachlady OP, I am a parent. I would absolutely want to know. But, the fact that your mother said something as vile as "if someone is raped because they went on a Tinder date, they brought it on themselves", I would indeed talk to a therapist first to be properly prepared for the possibility of a negative response.

 

[katrina2017]

@chesney Of course I would want to know. But then again, I would never believe nevertheless say that assault is somehow deserved or justified.

So, in your case, bc the chances of her not being supportive are there, you should first talk this over with a rape crisis counselor or therapist and get the support you need.

 

[10tricia18]

@chesney I have an 18 year old daughter. I would want to know so I could support support her if she needs me. I would hate to think she was suffering alone.

 

[chesney]

@10tricia18 The atmosphere at home is very toxic at times. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom but she isn't approachable all the time about these things (even though she'd tell you she is.) And then my dad is even less so. I don't think there is anything that can be done legally now since it has been months... But I don't care about that, I want and NEED emotional support.

 

[10tricia18]

@chesney I understand. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you everything will be ok. It will be ok but it will take time. I haven't read all the comments but maybe try counseling if you haven't. Sometimes it takes meeting a couple of therapists to find one you like. Hang in there. I hope you can find the support you need.

 

[double]

@chesney I am a parent and I have been raped. I was 16 and did not tell my mom for a while. I should have. I wish I would have.

I know your mom has said those things before but it is so different when it is your own child. It's easy to be flippant about tragedy when you don't think it will happen to someone around you or have no experience with it. Has your mom been generally supportive of you in the past? Are there positives that can come from you telling her? Can she help you?

As a parent, (although I have a 7yo son, I can speak in generalities) I want to support my child through anything. I would want to be there for you. Rape is very difficult. I'm 31 and it still deeply effects me. It changes the core of you. I had problems with PTSD for a long time after and was afraid to go in public places even though it was irrational. If you think your mom can help you through this, even a little, I think you should tell her.

 

[chesney]

@double Yeah, my mom has been extremely supportive over my struggles with depression and anxiety but she isn't approachable all the time. My dad is even less so. So if I told them separately, she'd tell my dad before I could get to tell them. I had even thought of chickening out and just writing them a letter one day.

 

[katrina2017]

@chesney I am a parent and I'd 100% want to know but I don't believe anyone 'brings rape on themselves', no-one expects to leave their home and be raped, they don't go on a date expecting to be raped.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I'm glad you are going through therapy.

If you decide to tell your parents you can leave out that it was a tinder date but that's up to you, your mum may change her tune as it's you.