Should I call CPS on my best friend (who's a single parent)?

[awesome777yay]

Cross-posted to another sub last night. A couple of answers said I should call CPS. Wanna make sure this is the right thing to do since I'm not a parent so any advice from parents here would be greatly appreciated! My childhood best friend of 15+ years is a single mom of two kids under 4 y/o. When she first got pregnant, everyone was happy for her. I went to her baby shower and gave her lots of support. She was engaged at the time. Things went well for her an her ex-fiance for the most part. Then she got pregnant again and after the second was born, that's when her fiance left her. I really hate him because he's a deadbeat and not active in his kid's' lives.

For the past couple years I've urged her to go after him for child support but she won't (he has a great paying job). On top of that, ever since the father of her kids left, she's been putting tons of time into other men as opposed to herself or her kids. I'll stop by to visit and bring the kids gifts around holidays and birthdays and her apartment will be trashed, bugs, barely any food in the fridge, and she'll be glued to her phone on dating sites. I'll ask if she's applied to any jobs and she'll say no. Then she'll go on and on about this new guy she just met from online dating and is already planning on moving in with him in the next few months (along with her kids).

Then the new guy will ghost her or break up with her and instead of working on herself and her kids, it's immediately back to finding a new boyfriend. Last time I visited, her oldest (3 y/o girl) approached her and said she's hungry. My friend's reaction? "Not now, I'm busy." She was chatting with yet another new guy she just met online who's making all these 'promises' to her. I ended up feeding the older toddler when I was there. My friend is yet again telling me how she's in love and sees a future with him.

She NEVER tells me how her kids are doing. All it is these days is 100% men she's talking to. Her apartment is filthy, her toddlers (3 F and 2 M) are having behavioral issues, she's been asking me and family members for money (I said no). She recently had her license taken away and her car broke down. I keep urging her to go after the father of her kids for child support. I also gave her information to legal aid and other resources. But she won't do it for the sake of her kids. And if I gently suggest counseling, she gets defensive.

Ever since her ex-fiance (baby daddy) left, her priority has been finding a new serious boyfriend. I felt especially bad last time I visited and her kids looked so desperate for attention. I played with them some and they didn't want me to leave when I did. Also the oldest who I ended up feeding because my friend was glued to her phone on Tinder. She recently told me the guy she's currently seeing (less than two months) agreed to let her and her kids move in before summer. They haven't even met in person yet! It's another guy from Tinder.

Should I call CPS. It'll be especially hard because this is my best friend of 15+ years. We have a long, close history together since middle school. Years ago, she told me she wanted kids someday. This was before she met her ex-fiance (baby daddy). I always thought she would be a very involved mother though. For reference, I'm 31 and she's 29.

Edit: Thank you for the suggestions! To answer some of your questions, I've tried talking to her many times. I've tried uplifting her (i.e. "you have lots of potential and I know you can achieve your goals") but her priority continues to be finding a new man. I urged her to take a break from dating but she won't. I sent her a care package with food and supplies. She still is very focused on securing a serious relationship asap. The guy she's currently talking to (they're not official) has agreed to let her and her kids move in with him in a few months. They've never met. She tells me she's in love with him.

Edit 2: I'm not exactly sure how to contact her parents unfortunately. The last time I saw her parents (who are divorced) was when I was 18 and they brought my friend to my 18th birthday party. She seems rebellious against her family and doesn't like mentioning them.

 

[wrex]

@awesome777yay OK, so, I read you said she was in an abusive relationship. Let's start there. This man chasing is actually "normal" for a lot of women that have escaped abusive situations. Not an excuse AT ALL for neglecting ones children but I'm just saying it's not abnormal and neither is the constant phone scrolling (look up dissociation). If one cannot think, one cannot feel. Saying that, I'd try to get her parents, siblings, etc involved before cps. Your friend needs therapy and perhaps meds to get her back on track. I would also recommend contacting a domestic violence refuge or similar and see what resources they may have available for mental health help even though she doesn't need to flee right now. She is not going to be able to move forward for herself or her kids until she can accept what she went through. I would say her fiance did her a favour too by leaving her because if he didn't she'd likely still be with him.

 

[lilyheart]

@wrex I am so grateful to you for posting this. Her behavior isn’t one of intentional neglect. She is unwell. The aftershock from the ending of an abusive relationship is so difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t lived it, and you did a great job. I went right from one abusive relationship to another. Could not understand why!!! There is a serious addiction connection to the abuse cycle. We get flooded by dopamine during the love bombing stage and then the abuse happens and we are looking back at the person who hurt us waiting for that next dopamine surge that will come after the incidents.

 

[wrex]

@lilyheart I escaped an abusive marriage myself in 2021, so I get it. It really is impossible to comprehend unless one has been through it, and even then, everyone's story and healing journey is different. I still get triggered by certain things, usually involving a lot of noise or kids arguing because of all the yelling I had to hear from him, and my go-to is scrolling my phone to remove my conscious self from what's going on. I also had a bad experience with a fwb that fed that same toxic dopamine my ex did and am just now getting over that. It really takes a lot out of a person.

 

[lilyheart]

@wrex Honestly! I’m sorry you too have gone through this. It sometimes feels like healing is near impossible!

 

[estherruth]

@awesome777yay Call her mother or anyone who cares to come over with you for an intervention type of situation let her know clean up the house and give attention to the kids OR YOU WILL HAVE TO CALL FOR A WELLNESS CHECK. Give her a chance with this threat FIRST! Go right NOW with another trusted adult family member/friend for support. Support for you and her in the confrontation.

 

[awesome777yay]

@estherruth I sent her a care package already with food and essentials. Also gave her information to local food banks.

 

[tana777]

@awesome777yay It sounds like what she needs is help. It is draining being a single mum. It’s draining to feel unwanted & undateable because of it when that’s all someone has told you that you are. It’s draining to be financially stuck because your ex is a violent, abusive man who will put you through more hell for the sake of money you’re not likely to see. It’s draining to feel like you’re not enough for your kids without a partner or male role model. I think she really, really needs help. It sounds like a self esteem/depression issue. Has she always been like this? Or just since recently? I would ask how she really is at the moment. Will she still open up to you?

The moving in with a guy straight away makes me sick but I don’t think she realises WHY it’s dangerous. It needs to be spelled out to her explicitly & by numerous people, I think you need to get family involved with this. If she doesn’t listen then I would involve CPS as a last resort.

 

[awesome777yay]

@tana777 She's sort of always been like this but not to this extreme. For example, when we were younger (teens, early to mid-20's) she got attached fairly quickly and intensely to whoever she was dating or had a crush on at the time. It became even more extreme after she had kids and the father of her kids left. She opens up to me all the time. I've always been her shoulder to cry on. Unfortunately, she doesn't really take my advice with things I've suggested for her. Then gets into the cycle of it happening again then coming back to me again, rinse and repeat.

 

[lilyheart]

@awesome777yay Domestic Violence centers often offer pattern changing classes. They help women learn what a red flag is. Yes. Some of us are born without built in red flag detection. The classes are free and empowering.

 

[nirelandgillian]

@awesome777yay Does she have family? Talk to them if they can help but those kids need out of there. It took me years to learn that what you’re friend is doing was not normal. I was those kids and I wished someone had stepped in and got me away from my mother. No child should be told they can’t eat because mom might have a hot date.

 

[awesome777yay]

@nirelandgillian I'm not exactly sure how to contact her parents unfortunately. The last time I saw her parents (who are divorced) was when I was 18 and they brought my friend to my 18th birthday party. She seems rebellious against her family and doesn't like mentioning them.

 

[nirelandgillian]

@awesome777yay I would talk to them first but not being up the children first to see if they’re capable of stepping in. If not then, other family members and if not, you really don’t have a choice as she should be the one to fix this and she’s not. This could be avoided if she was trying but she’s not. No external influence is going to fix her behavior as she thinks a man is the solution to her problem. Saw this too many times with my mom and she will end up like her, alone. It’s sad but she chose her path and your friend is headed down it.

 

[developer2021]

@awesome777yay It sounds like she has BPD (borderline). She should get therapy for that (DBT). But ofc it's not that easy to get someone to do therapy who doesn't want to do it. Maybe you can find a soft approach to make her open up to the idea :/ poor kids

 

[vince07713]

@awesome777yay I would do an intervention type of thing with her family

 

[vexxisthewise]

@awesome777yay As others have said, CPS can ruin lives. It’s really of use only if the kids are in eminent danger. Try what others have suggested. She sounds really depressed.

 

[faith20175]

@vexxisthewise It's so ironic that CPS can ruin lives, because my kids were in an actual abusive situation and their dad had CPS called on him. CPS never went to his house, but they came to mine!

They said if a divorced parent gets CPS called on them they go to both houses. They checked to see if my water was running, checked to see if I had food in my fridge and made sure the kids had beds. I live in a high sought after neighborhood with nice things and a fridge full of unprocessed organic and/or healthy foods.

My ex would smoke in the two bedroom trailer he lives in while my son has asthma. He would physically force my 13 year old daughter to do the dishes that he left sitting there for weeks between visits and he didn't have drinkable running water, but his parents would bring water bottles down when my kids went. The CPS office where he lived wouldn't make th trip out to investigate the call madw on him or his house because they said he has everything they need. It is a crap shoot with who is having a good day on whether they care about the kids or not.

 

[lilyheart]

@faith20175 Absolutely correct! When my kids dad and I split it was ugly. We acted like jerks and threw each other under the bus when CPS was called by unknown individual concerned over our childish squabbling. CPS removed my children from both of us placed them in stranger foster care. Oh and they moved the kids to stranger foster care in the middle of the night. Terrified my older ones to be woken up, told they could pack one bag, and then hurried off to their new home. We were subjected to interviews by the lovely CPS workers and it was literally like being interrogated by the police. Then we all got to create these wonderful permanency plans that included tasks we needed to accomplish to be considered for having our children back. Supervised visits in public places. By the end of it, the only thing they were able to find as evidence of abuse was that my youngest got one set of vaccinations late. Got them. Just not at the right time so I was neglectful. Yes. I made the choice as her parent to spread out the series because she got so sick from getting them all at one visit. It gets better. My children were then placed with family. It’s been almost 10 years and many many court battles and still no custody. So I lost my children over ONE of my children getting a set of vaccines late. They got to grow up without mom or dad in their lives. I do take accountability for fighting dirty and slinging mud. I wish I had grown up and not been vocal about how much I despised my ex and I know he feels the same way…but sadly I didn’t.

 

[developer2021]

@lilyheart This is horrifying, I'm so sorry.

 

[lilyheart]

@developer2021 I hate sharing the story because it makes me feel so whiny and pathetic but in the end, if it helps even ONE family not get shredded by CPS then I’m all for it. They need reform. Badly.