Self soothing and co sleeping

[joe1982]

I had a call with a sleep coach today to discuss getting my little one (1 y/o) in some sort of routine as her naps and wake ups are all over the place, and she advised it’s not possible to have a routine with a baby that can’t self soothe. Has anyone had any experience with this? My little one is currently in her cot next to me fast asleep, but this is our first night not co sleeping for months and I miss her already!

I don’t want to be selfish if she can sleep better without me but I’d love to co sleep with her AND have a routine. Surely it’s not impossible?!

 

[diamond7]

@joe1982 I truly hate the phrase self soothe. Babies aren't meant to do that.

I put my 9 week old down for a nap after she's been up for an hour. Her nap length will vary but she consistenly cues for sleep after an hour a wake, less if I don't let her sleep till 9am. She's up during the night don't be jealous. Does that count as a routine? I try to put white noise on for her when I'm trying to get her down so that she'll associate the two but I forget most of the time.

If you miss sleeping with her then sleep with her. I firmly believe Western culture is wrong about cosleeping. I can put my baby in her crib for a nap or her bassinet over night but she makes so much noise. Wakes me up all night. I put her in bed with me and she's SO quiet.

 

[joe1982]

@diamond7 Yeah I hate it too, it isn’t how we’ve parented so far. Thank you!! You’re so right. My LO is the same, she’s so much more settled in bed with me.

 

[sinbad2014]

@joe1982 We've had a routine (granted, it changed as she dropped naps or wasn't feeling good or what have you) since LO was about 4mo and she's 2y and I've never pushed her to self soothe .

 

[joe1982]

@sinbad2014 Oh interesting, that’s really good to know! Does she sleep on her own?

 

[sinbad2014]

@joe1982 She will occasionally- usually she does not but that's out of my preference now because I'll take the opportunities to rest too. She is able to if needed.

 

[joben]

@joe1982 They are prepping you to do CIO. They likely have rigid, limited coaching strategies. There are absolutely sleep coaches who work with co-sleeping parents but this person sounds incapable of working with your family.

Bedtime routines are one of the most effective sleep interventions for any age including babies.

If you mean a regular sleeping and waking schedule then yes absolutely many, many babies who are responded to during sleep have a schedule/routine. Temperament is a major factor in determining regularity of schedule for babies tho.

My temperamentally middle of the road regularity, co-sleeping kid has a routine and a loose schedule.

 

[joe1982]

@joben Oh interesting, good to know there are sleep coaches who work with co-sleeping parents. It seems like I’ve just gone for someone who isn’t the right style for us. We don’t really have a set bed time routine so maybe that’s what I should start with and stick to that! I definitely don’t want to do CIO. She mentioned letting the baby cry for up to 7 minutes on the call and reassured me she would have her new routine nailed within 3 days which I’m sure she would but I knew it wasn’t the right fit for me.

 

[animore]

@joe1982 What is your definition of routine? I have never forced baby into anything and we have a pretty consistent “routine” now at 10 months. She sleeps around 8, wakes around 7 (also wakes multiple times overnight for milk but who’s counting) and has two naps of roughly one hour each. In the event of a disruption (say, there’s a family gathering and her nap is cut short) she makes it up with a longer nap later.

I consider it pretty much a routine because she is very predictable.

Or do you mean the activities before bed? Those are the same almost every day for us too. Dinner, bath, brush her 2 little teeth, apply bum cream, night diaper, pajamas, sleep sack, read two books (one in each language, always the same books), sing the same song, nipple then sleep. This too I would consider a routine as it is very consistent.

What kind of routine are you hoping to set in place? You don’t need a sleep coach you can just start doing it

 

[joe1982]

@animore Having her naps and meals around the same time each day, and waking her/sleeping around the same time! Similar to what you described in the first part. Haven’t focused much on the activities but that’s good to know too. Some mornings she wakes at 5 and then needs a morning nap, others she wakes at 7 and powers through so it just makes me feel like I’m doing something “wrong” by not having a set pattern (even though I know she’s a baby and will do what she wants!)

 

[tonyrichy86]

@joe1982 Do you have a consistent morning wake up time? That's been the number one thing that's helped us have a routine.

 

[joe1982]

@tonyrichy86 It fluctuates! Usually somewhere between 5-6.30, it was 7-7 while we were on holiday but now it’s gone back to earlier week ups

 

[gigaquad]

@joe1982 My little one is very predictable with her sleeps and sometimes will be OK going to sleep on her own, sometimes she wants me to hold or cuddle her. So I don't think a child needs to "self-soothe" in order to have a predictable sleep schedule. And it's something most infants can do developmentally anyway. It sounds like the sleep consultant is trying to lead you down the path of CIO.

I wake my little one at the same time every day, if she's not already awake. Her naps always fall within a 30 min window so I think they are predictable and "routine" and bedtime also follows in a predictable window. So you don't need a sleep consultant to implement consistent wake times.

If you want help on figuring out how much total sleep and night sleep vs day sleep would work for your baby I highly reccomend the Beyond Sleep Training Project group on Facebook.

 

[rickardbriggs]

@joe1982 I feel like we also are starting to develop a somewhat routine at 8 months and my baby contact naps and we cosleep.
I use the huckleberry app which seems to helpx

 

[tonyrichy86]

@rickardbriggs Same! Although I just cancelled Huckleberry yesterday because our day schedule is very predictable now.

 

[markeita]

@joe1982 what? not possible for a routine with a baby who can't self soothe is nuts. thats not true. you can have a routine AND be flexible in the sense that you come to baby and respond when she cries. i cosleep and we have a great routine! happy to share it if you want

 

[fritzmb]

@joe1982 I don’t understand why they have to be mutually exclusive. I truly don’t see how one has absolutely anything to do with the other. My baby is 13mo and we’ve been cosleeping for what feels like forever, and I’d say we have a fairly regular routine. It’s not exactly the same everyday, just like I might wake up earlier or fall asleep a bit early or later one night, my baby does too. But generally everything happens within an hour or so of the same time each day.

 

[schnolhamor]

@joe1982 That wild advice. I would get a new sleep coach.

 

[peninsula]

@joe1982 As others have said, any sleep coach that brings up self soothing isn’t going to be supportive of cosleeping in a way that matters. Start looking at Lindsey Hookway on Instagram and the coaches she trains. Cosleepy is also very trusted in this field- people she interacts with and follows will be good eggs.