Scared ttc for high-risk pregnancy, why can't I move on with gratitude for my one?

[kosherinchrist]

tl; happy with one but on the fence with medically complex anatomy. help/support welcome!

Hi all, I am 37f with a 42m spouse and a 5yo daughter who is the light of our lives and I am REALLY struggling with trying to decide if we want to try for another, if we do it has to be through a FET IVF.

I love being a mom and would love to have one more person in our family. I feel like there is someone else out there for us and I love love love the idea of a companion for my daughter and someone to share experiences such as holidays and travel with.

BUT- this has also presented a lot of issues. When she was 5mo I had to have a cone biopsy to remove cancerous cells which left me with no visible cervix. We tried ttc when she was 2 but were told by my RE that I would need a surrogate which is financially inconceivable for us, friends too old or unable, legality issues, etc. (no judgment, just can't in our case)

But I held onto this belief, and with my 5 frozen embryos, maybe there is a way. So last summer I had a surgery called a transabdominal cerclage, for people like me with similar anatomy or with an incompetent cervix to allow for pregnancy. The surgery went well and now I am able to have an FET and actually getting a scan this week to see if it might be possible. We have had 2 non-start cycles due to poor lining and one failed cycle since the surgery.

But I am so nervous to go through with another transfer attempt, I am feeling old and tired lol. I am nervous about:

-my medical wellness in pregnancy and postpartum (I also had c section after 4 hours of pushing, retained placenta/placenta accreta and needed a d and c 3 weeks pp, with chances of reoccurring)

-I hate to think I would be on bedrest or not available for my daughter

-Chances of hpv/cancer returning increase with each pregnancy

-Financially we are finally solid and having another child seems untenable/would really limit our financial freedom and careers we've worked hard to attain

-my husband is on the fence and wants to see me well/healthy/doesn't feel the need for another

-my daughter has 0 interest in a baby (not a huge factor, obviously kids grow and change and adapt)

-our support system is lovely but seriously aging and less able to help as my parents now need their own help (2hrs away) and spouses parents, though lovely and local, are just less available

-I have a traumatic relationship with my two older brothers and (one has passed and one I am estranged from sadly) and worry about somehow recreating sibling rivalry, tension, stress, problems, etc inadvertently due to my own trauma.

-And with all these cons the feeling still persists. Why has it been so hard for me to be grateful for all I have and just move on, or just take the risk and make the decision and go for it? Any words of support or advice are welcome.

 

[krae991]

@kosherinchrist From my outsiders perspective, it sounds like you know another pregnancy isn't a good choice for you and your family. I think it's hard when you don't go into your first pregnancy knowing it will be your last. Give yourself some space to grieve and maybe find a ritual to honor and thank your body for what has done and welcoming your body and yourself into a time of rest.

It also sounds like maybe there is room for your family to grow in other ways. It could be worth exploring what that might look like and how purposeful you are in making that happen. Maybe you consider fostering. Maybe your daughter has a best friend who becomes like family. Or your house becomes the hang out house for all the friends. Maybe the part of being a mom that speaks to you is nurturing and there's an older neighbor or friend who you look after. Maybe for now a pet scratch the itch while you spend some time reflecting.

We've been reading "Families Can" with my little one and it's a nice reminder for me to of all the ways that a family can be made up

 

[kosherinchrist]

@krae991 This brought tears to my eyes...thank you so much for your thoughtful and compassionate reply.

 

[samalematina]

@kosherinchrist I know it’s tough when there’s so many pros and cons. You grieve the life you could have had, the second child you could have had. I’ve been pretty set on being one and done but I’m not going to lie having a second crosses my mind sometimes. I know realistically it wouldn’t be a good idea mentally and physically for me but I still can’t help but think what if.

It would definitely be a huge risk for you to go through with a second. I don’t think it would be a good idea, in my opinion.

The other person who commented really had some great advice, there’s so many ways you can have a family. I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

 

[kosherinchrist]

@samalematina Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts.

 

[chosenremnant]

@kosherinchrist I was reading through and got to the comment about your health. So often, mothers put their health last. However, your current family needs you! I strongly encourage you to explore other options of mothering. Maybe you could sponsor a child in Africa, or foster someone in need. Perhaps plant a tree for the child you never had.

Offering you big virtual hugs.

 

[kosherinchrist]

@chosenremnant Thank you so much

 

[tery]

@kosherinchrist The other posters wrote some very comforting comments and offered good advice.

I feel like I’m benefiting from these comments too as I suffered a placenta accreta only five weeks ago. I am so incredibly grateful that my baby girl and I survived a scary emergency c-section and emergency hysterectomy. I can really empathize with what you’re saying about being grateful for what you have, but still dreaming of a second child, and struggling to move on.

I’m not sure if this will help, but these are some of the things I’ve been reflecting on…

I think it’s challenging to move on from the idea of having a second child when you don’t fully feel like it’s your choice. It’s a different experience to choose to be “one and done” vs feeling the choice is being made for you by medical issues. It feels more like losing something, and harder to accept. Maybe the feeling of not having a choice makes a person want it more? It’s also a big shift in a person’s identity to go from envisioning your life a certain way (e.g., having multiples), and having to change that vision. It’s challenging not to idealize what might have been, or in your case, what could be. It’s challenging to grieve the loss of a current identity and begin leaning into a different one.

Unfortunately we can’t control the future. While you might consider taking the risk and going for ttc, you have no control over what will happen if you do, and things might not turn out how you’re dreaming. You don’t know what will happen to you or your child medically during pregnancy, birth, or the subsequent neonatal period. You don’t know that an extra child would have the sibling relationship with your daughter that you’re hoping for. You’re concerned about how a second child would impact your quality of life (finances, career, personal freedom, etc).

While considering the pros and cons of your decision also consider the risks and rewards. You could possibly make the decision to have another child and have things go well, but if things go wrong, will the risks be worth it? A prior c-section and IVF are both risk factors for placenta accreta, and placenta accreta has a 7% mortality rate. With the other health issues you mentioned (increased chances of cancer returning with another pregnancy) it sounds like you are high risk in multiple ways. If you decided to go for it and things didn’t go as planned, how would it impact your daughter and husband? They are people you love that already exist, while at this point a second child is still optional/hypothetical. Have you had a serious conversation with your spouse about if they think the risk is worth it? It sounds like neither your daughter or husband feel a strong need to add another child to the family, and your husband is more concerned about your health. Would they be okay with the possibility of losing you or having you hurt for the sake of ttc? Are you okay with that possibility and how it would impact them?

If you decide not to try for a second it might be worth attending therapy to work through grieving the loss of the second child you’d envisioned having. I received this advice and am planning to try it out.

From one internet stranger to another, I’m wishing you the best and I hope you find peace with whatever you decide. You sound like someone who has a lot of love to give, and will channel it toward good things.

 

[kosherinchrist]

@tery Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences so thoughtfully. I loved the last paragraph especially and it made me smile.

I love your perspective around the health and safety factors. You are absolutely right. I try to push myself from making fear-based decisions but this feels like one where I truly have to look at the possible outcomes and go from there, like you said.

I am so sorry that you experienced such a traumatic birth. You are truly amazing being 5 weeks pp having undergone major and unexpected surgery. I am so glad you made it through and congratulations on your little bundle of love. Wishing you all the best for a peaceful and full recovery as well as 4th trimester. Being a mom to my one has been the greatest joy of my life these past 5 years and I hope the same and more for you.