There is a lot of history to try and break down without getting wordy. I think the easiest way to explain is to start with today and work backwards. Here goes:
6 am this morning I wake to a text and could only really see the words “mom, I need help, and call me” the rest was to blurry to make out. I immediately responded “ I’m awake. Call me. “. Within a minute the phone rings and it’s my 29 yr old daughter….wide awake and alert. She proceeds to tell me a variation of the same story I have heard for the last 5 years, and asked if I would be willing to take the grand baby while she figures things out. I answered with a quick YES…l I always say yes!
I asked where she was (I could hear faint voices) and she claimed at the store. Blatant out right lie; remember it’s 6 am. Before I could ask she proceeds to say the baby is at home still sleeping, but she has a camera in her room that she monitors. Trying to contain my anger about the ignorance of her statement, I told her I would leave as soon as I could dress. I reminded her that even with reverse commute it would take me an hour to get there.
True to my word I was at the front door within 43 minutes of the first call. My daughter currently lives in her father’s (my ex husband of 30 years) home. Not a place I enjoy showing up to let alone having to go inside. I listen to my daughters bullshit briefly and then try to get out as quickly as possible. I hand her $80 as a gesture to appear sympathetic and helpful even though I can see through the crap and know full well that she lies about everything.
My sweet 4 year old was very quiet and appeared (to me) stressed. She said her tummy hurt and even vomited in the car. She burst into tears and kept saying she was sorry she made a mess. I reassured her again and again that an upset tummy is not her fault. I stopped for some water and got home as quick as I could to clean her up.
She regularly will call for me and when I respond say “I love you” and wait for me to return the same. As much as I love hearing those magical words, I also feel an intense sadness because it feels like she needs my reassurance.
Going back to the last year and half, I was kept from having any contact or visits with this child, by her mother (my daughter) because of a Legal Guardianship petition I had filed. My oldest daughter told her sister that I had filed this petition. I think the older one thought she could save her sister if she ratted me out. They have always been somewhat co dependent of each others need to defy authority and rules.
Without question I was devastated that my efforts to be a legal guardian were stopped by one of my own, however the real devastation occured when she was abruptly removed from my home and my daily care without a second thought of the emotional impact of an innocent little 31/2 year old.
My granddaughter came into my home as a newborn and remained in my home for Three and a half years. I was her primary care provider every single day. We also provided all of her financial support and gave her mother unlimited access at all times. Mom was free to come and go as she pleased and was also receiving financial help from us as we wanted her to be independent and to be able to support herself and child.
She fell into old patterns and having her own apartment made it very easy to party anytime and use without having to explain her actions. As of the present she is still an addict and using everyday. She has no job, no car, and no home of her own. Yet she will look you dead in the eye and lie about using drugs because she is convinced that she is a good mother and is able to manage her addiction.
My intentions to help my daughter be a good mother have never changed. I never kept her from her child, however I did what was in the best interest of the baby at all times, until I couldn’t..
The changes in this child over the last year are both alarming and heartbreaking. She no longer has any kind of a dependable routine or regular meal times. There is no bedtime schedule and nobody to take care of her when she wakes up. Mom will sleep until 2 or 3 in the afternoon leaving a 4 year old unsupervised. I strongly suspect that this child I love and WANT to care for is left with different people regularly.
I feel defeated and punished for wanting to provide a stable and loving home for my own flesh and blood. I am already seeing what I feel is toxic stress. Nobody is willing to help me because the law supports children living with parents regardless of emotional impact. A child literally has to suffer extreme physical violence and carry scars to be considered for removal. And here I am a grandmother begging to give this child a life she deserves because if I don’t fight for it then I am the one who failed her. I can’t sit back and watch this travesty of neglect continue, but what can I do? When I speak out I get any and all contact taken from me. I worry this child will feel as though I have deserted her.
I tried to keep my thoughts organized so I wasn’t all over the place, but I hurt so much over this stuff. I loved being a mother and always put their needs before my own. I made some mistakes but nothing that caused lifelong trauma. I love being a grandparent even more. I’m older, wiser, more intelligent about life’s challenges, and financially secure. I want to give my grandchildren opportunities that I wanted for my own kids.
If nothing else, thanks for allowing me to vent my fears and frustration. This barely scratched the surface of the many more details I left out.
6 am this morning I wake to a text and could only really see the words “mom, I need help, and call me” the rest was to blurry to make out. I immediately responded “ I’m awake. Call me. “. Within a minute the phone rings and it’s my 29 yr old daughter….wide awake and alert. She proceeds to tell me a variation of the same story I have heard for the last 5 years, and asked if I would be willing to take the grand baby while she figures things out. I answered with a quick YES…l I always say yes!
I asked where she was (I could hear faint voices) and she claimed at the store. Blatant out right lie; remember it’s 6 am. Before I could ask she proceeds to say the baby is at home still sleeping, but she has a camera in her room that she monitors. Trying to contain my anger about the ignorance of her statement, I told her I would leave as soon as I could dress. I reminded her that even with reverse commute it would take me an hour to get there.
True to my word I was at the front door within 43 minutes of the first call. My daughter currently lives in her father’s (my ex husband of 30 years) home. Not a place I enjoy showing up to let alone having to go inside. I listen to my daughters bullshit briefly and then try to get out as quickly as possible. I hand her $80 as a gesture to appear sympathetic and helpful even though I can see through the crap and know full well that she lies about everything.
My sweet 4 year old was very quiet and appeared (to me) stressed. She said her tummy hurt and even vomited in the car. She burst into tears and kept saying she was sorry she made a mess. I reassured her again and again that an upset tummy is not her fault. I stopped for some water and got home as quick as I could to clean her up.
She regularly will call for me and when I respond say “I love you” and wait for me to return the same. As much as I love hearing those magical words, I also feel an intense sadness because it feels like she needs my reassurance.
Going back to the last year and half, I was kept from having any contact or visits with this child, by her mother (my daughter) because of a Legal Guardianship petition I had filed. My oldest daughter told her sister that I had filed this petition. I think the older one thought she could save her sister if she ratted me out. They have always been somewhat co dependent of each others need to defy authority and rules.
Without question I was devastated that my efforts to be a legal guardian were stopped by one of my own, however the real devastation occured when she was abruptly removed from my home and my daily care without a second thought of the emotional impact of an innocent little 31/2 year old.
My granddaughter came into my home as a newborn and remained in my home for Three and a half years. I was her primary care provider every single day. We also provided all of her financial support and gave her mother unlimited access at all times. Mom was free to come and go as she pleased and was also receiving financial help from us as we wanted her to be independent and to be able to support herself and child.
She fell into old patterns and having her own apartment made it very easy to party anytime and use without having to explain her actions. As of the present she is still an addict and using everyday. She has no job, no car, and no home of her own. Yet she will look you dead in the eye and lie about using drugs because she is convinced that she is a good mother and is able to manage her addiction.
My intentions to help my daughter be a good mother have never changed. I never kept her from her child, however I did what was in the best interest of the baby at all times, until I couldn’t..
The changes in this child over the last year are both alarming and heartbreaking. She no longer has any kind of a dependable routine or regular meal times. There is no bedtime schedule and nobody to take care of her when she wakes up. Mom will sleep until 2 or 3 in the afternoon leaving a 4 year old unsupervised. I strongly suspect that this child I love and WANT to care for is left with different people regularly.
I feel defeated and punished for wanting to provide a stable and loving home for my own flesh and blood. I am already seeing what I feel is toxic stress. Nobody is willing to help me because the law supports children living with parents regardless of emotional impact. A child literally has to suffer extreme physical violence and carry scars to be considered for removal. And here I am a grandmother begging to give this child a life she deserves because if I don’t fight for it then I am the one who failed her. I can’t sit back and watch this travesty of neglect continue, but what can I do? When I speak out I get any and all contact taken from me. I worry this child will feel as though I have deserted her.
I tried to keep my thoughts organized so I wasn’t all over the place, but I hurt so much over this stuff. I loved being a mother and always put their needs before my own. I made some mistakes but nothing that caused lifelong trauma. I love being a grandparent even more. I’m older, wiser, more intelligent about life’s challenges, and financially secure. I want to give my grandchildren opportunities that I wanted for my own kids.
If nothing else, thanks for allowing me to vent my fears and frustration. This barely scratched the surface of the many more details I left out.