Parents of teen drivers

[cal]

My daughter is two weeks away from taking her driving test. As you would expect, she is asking dad, (mom will not help unless daughter pays her back for the hair care mom has paid for in the past 4 years) every day for a car.

My question, how have you handled teen drivers in your home? I’m in Massachusetts, if that helps.

As an example, is requiring the Life360 app, to monitor their driving, I.e speeding, texting while driving, too controlling?

She is still young, not yet 17. What other ground rules have you set for your teen driver?

I do have shared custody, so for now, until she turns 18, I have concerns about her having the car at her mom (worried about her stepsister taking the car).

 

[kavi0808]

@cal We have a brand new driver. We are in Texas in DFW - not sure if that matters. Last summer, he started the drivers ed program and held his permit for 6 months. He got his license about a month ago. We were fortunate that we had a vehicle to pass down to him but it’s an old vehicle. If something happens to it, it won’t be devastating. We don’t owe anything on it.

I was very nervous about him going out on his own. We live in a busy suburb only about 10 min from one of the busiest highways in the metroplex so this has me the most worried. My husband did most of the driving with him since I have a lot of anxiety and fortunately, he seems to be a pretty good driver. Knock on wood - nothing wild has happened. Double knock on wood.
Our rules are these:
Follow all laws which includes no more than 1 unrelated passenger under 18. This may be the biggest issue because everyone wants and needs a ride at this age. Kids are always giving rides but we had to put our foot down on this one. He doesn’t give rides to anyone whose parents haven’t talked to us about it. They have to ok the ride or else it can’t happen. I find that it deters them from asking him because they don’t want the parents involved.

He’s only allowed to fill up once every two weeks so that means he has to watch how far he drives. School is less than a mile from home so he shouldn’t have any issues keeping the miles down. He doesn’t have a job right now because of sports and school but will have a job in the summer and then he can buy his own gas and drive as much as he wants.

We do have life 360 and we also have find my iPhone location sharing. This isn’t really an issue - he has never balked at the gps - he likes having our locations just as much as we like having his. You can’t trust life 360 to gage speed. I find that it’s inaccurate at times and can cause tension if you can’t prove it was accurate or not. State Farm has a device you can add to the car for good driving discounts. I don’t think you would have access to it but her knowing it’s there and someone is monitoring should help.

His curfew is the city curfew. 11 on week nights and midnight on weekends.

Cellphone - if we find out he has texted or has been distracted while driving, then he will lose one - the phone or the vehicle. We have talked and talked and talked about this. We also practice what we preach and model no distraction behavior when we are driving. I admit that I do mess with my screens and radio etc when driving so I’ve really worked at cutting back. We got him a cup holder that holds the phone. This isn’t intended for him to use while driving but it keeps the phone in one place so there is no chance of him having to dig for it or it flying around causing distractions. His vehicle doesn’t have a screen or a back up camera or CarPlay etc. I just hope that he has listened and obeys. This isn’t something we can control but we can just harp about the dangers and hope he listens.

We have restricted his highway driving to when we are with him. He’s ok with this too since we can take city streets nearly everywhere. The highway makes him a bit nervous and he hasn’t attempted to venture on his own. We do encourage him to drive the highway when he is with dad to get experience. Otherwise, only back roads.

I think it’s important to let them have some slack in the leash. My son drives the long way home (again he has to watch his miles and gas) but I am reminded how much I loved to drive at his age and I would go go go for hours and my parents had no idea where I was. The more driving around he does, the better he gets at driving. The more experience he has, the better off he will be. Accidents happen and it’s important to teach them how to handle accidents than to try to prevent them or to control them.

I found that an older car kept our insurance rates down. He has cheaper insurance than his older sister who has a newer car.

When she started driving, she was 18. She didn’t want to drive so we were kind of lucky that we didn’t have to deal with this when she was in school. I finally had to force her to get her license when she was about to start college. I reminded her that they don’t have a drop off line at college lol He has been the better driver. She’s had a few accidents - not necessarily her fault but she has already had a totaled car which is why she has a newer car now. Once the one we provided was totaled, it was on her to buy the next one. We didn’t have any rules for her at 18. And she hates driving so she doesn’t unless she has to.

 

[karin70]

@kavi0808 This is awesome— you’re doing a great job! - thanks for sharing!

 

[kavi0808]

@karin70 Thank you so much - I appreciate you saying so.

 

[julia13]

@cal My teens bought their own cars with the $$ they made from their own jobs.

I didn't monitor their driving, we have graduated licenses here... I figured that, plus having to pay for their car/insurance/gas etc would keep them in check. And it has so far.

 

[samuel93]

@cal Well for one, it seems like mom and dad need to agree on this! Or otherwise whatever car you get her needs to live at your house and be used while she is with you. But that’s not really what you asked.

My kid recently got a (2004) car. He has an iPhone so we have find my phone, but mostly I just want him to tell me where he is and be home when we decide he needs to be. I do like knowing that I can check if I want to though. I have driven with him enough to know that he is a careful driver, and we have had plenty of conversations about making smart choices etc.

 

[skovc]

@cal I would add no more than 1 passenger in front seat and a limit for how many total. Teens will cram kids on top of kids if they can. Driver cannot eat, snack, or drink while driving. I saw a teen with a slice of pizza and a coke still trying to hang onto the steering wheel. Yikes!

 

[linastewards]

@skovc Oh that reminds me, check the laws. In oregon you can't have passengers that aren't family for 6 months after getting your license.

 

[tisjill]

@cal My oldest is working on getting his license now, also in MA. The agreement is that he is getting use of the oldest car and we'll cover insurance because he'll be transporting his brother to and from school (they go to the same school) If he wants a nicer car or doesn't want to drive his brother, we'll renegotiate. At this point I'm spending hours of my work week driving them places and I look at this as buying back my own time.
The high school parking lot seems to be an even split between old beaters and really expensive cars owned by kids who seem really into them.

 

[linastewards]

@cal We have life360, I need to know when and where she is driving, who's in the car. Absolutely no one else is allowed to drive (it's my car - mom). I don't hound her about detail, her boyfriend give her crap about speeding. I know she might stop at the store on the way without saying much but no extra adventures. Today she is on an adventure and is going to the next town over to visit her bfs extended family and I'm a little nervous but just ask they check in periodically.

 

[michaelo]

@cal My teens have to complete drivers Ed.

My teens have to drive with me as a passenger (or their dad) for 75 hours.

My teens complete 20 hours of driving with an insurance monitoring app.

My teens must show respect, responsibility, and good judgements in our home & school to have access to the family vehicle from ages 15-17.

At age 17, we intend to provide them with a used vehicle, again, IF they continue to show maturity and responsibility.

We do not use monitoring apps — we have talked about it with them. And the kids know that we might at some point. We are a two parent household that have good relationships with our teens. Our teens, up the this point, take driving seriously and have shown no big risk behaviors behind the wheel or in life in general.

 

[moshil]

@cal I am 46 and did not get my first car until after I was out of high school. So from 16-18 I got to borrow one of my parents’ cars (they each had one) if I needed it, but there were strict rules around it, especially as a very new driver. No friends in the car with me for the first month. After that, I could have three other friends in the car with me. I had to stay within a certain radius of home for I would say at least the first six months. Then I was allowed more freedom. I loved being able to drive and it was important enough to me that I didn’t try to bend or break the rules my parents set.

Also, I inherited my first car from my grandfather who passed a few weeks before I graduated from high school. I had to pay for gas, insurance and all maintenance myself. I had no help from anyone.

I did not buy my own car until I was 22 and working full time.

 

[lilaclover09]

@cal Also in MA -Chiming in to wish you all the calm and peaceful feelings.

As you know, Mass has strict provisional license rules, so that takes care of the worst of it. Because my kid does not have his own car, setting expectations has been straightforward. I suspect if he had his own car (regardless of who bought it), it would be a much heavier lift. YMMV

To borrow a phrase, we have 99 problems (boy, do we!), but trust isn't one of them. My oldest respects curfew, calls whenever we've asked (when leaving a location, for example), doesn't drive if upset or tired, and only uses his phone hands free to navigate with Waze or call home. He talks with us about road conditions and takes our advice if we say it's not safe to drive. We make sure that he is comfortable with the route and distance and understands how long it will take to get home (so there's no stress or arguments about arriving after curfew).

It's a point of pride for my oldest that we have told him that a car is an adult responsibility, and we've treated him as an adult with the car. (We're also thrilled that he's a great driver!)

Good luck!