Other parent using my time as their wiggle room? A littles stressed...

[dujdhlfe]

Update: Had a sit down with other coparent. She said she couldn’t handle the 50-50 and wanted to keep the current court order as is. Not sure if we lucked out that she was able to admit she couldn’t handle the responsibility and getting them to everything on time.

My husband is newly co parenting with his ex wife; whom on a whim moved to our town 1 month ago. She wants the kids 50/50 and we are going to try it...I’m doing my very best at working with him and her because the kids are #1 for us. We’ve had custody for the last 3 years of our blended family. Husband works and I am a stay at home parent.

She is late. I mean L-A-T-E. 45 min to 1.5 hours all the time! On her week we have had coaches reach out to us about removing the kids from the team if they can’t make it on time. Sometimes she says it’s work, or car troubles, or she overslept, dog got out etc etc

I don’t know how else to word this other than I feel used and like a babysitter in her eyes.
I never felt like this until now.
Now I have the brunt of all the meals (except lunch) and homework and then she just picks them up and takes them home and is in charge of bedtime only. I feel like I do all the work and don’t get to enjoy the peace after the chaos where we can enjoy the kids in the evening...

What is a way to constructively approach this with her? I know it’s not babysitting when it’s your own children and I DONT mean it that way....

I just feel like she’s using us because she’s very irresponsible.

(Ex: it’s her week with the kiddos-she all of a sudden can’t taken them to practice every day because her boyfriend is borrowing her car so she thinks we should do it...despite any plans we made or our availability with work. Husband works longer on the weeks when he doesn’t have to bring them to sports and I’m at home with our baby and 5 yr old)

tldr; Other Co parent uses us as the constant net for the kids because she can’t manage her life and gets angry if we can’t oblige.

 

[stefana]

@dujdhlfe Dad needs to send a very detailed calendar to mom via email stating where the kids need to be and when. Give her advanced notice. Share a Google calendar as well. State if she is unable to get the kids to where they need to be, her extra time will be forfeited (Im assuming there is no 50/50 order at this point, if there is, you have to follow the CO).

Our CO is pretty clear on this stuff. It literally says that children cannot miss activities due to placement parents inability to transport them and other parent must be allowed to transport if they can. However, placement parent has to give 48 hr notice of unability to transport for a 2 county area (so if the activity is in Jones or Smith County its 48 hours). If the activity is outside of those 2 counties, placement parent needs to give 2 week notice.

Our CO also says child cannot miss an activity due to missing equipment. Parent who has the item must return it to the child prior to them needing it next. (can you tell we had issues with this as well, way too much drama for 8 years, we finally nipped it in the butt when ex took me back to court).

Set the clear boundary. In advance say "If you need help getting the kids to and from soccer on Aug 4th and 6th, email me by Wednesday night. We are unavailable the other days. If you can't get them to and from, the children will stay at our house that week. You can pick them up Friday night at 5pm and return them Sunday night at 8pm. You can also pick them up for dinner on Wednesday night from 4pm-8pm to spend more time with them. " Do this in writing so you have evidence you tried to coparent.

 

[dujdhlfe]

@stefana Wow I love this thank you!!!

You are correct we do not have a CO in place for 50/50.

We do have a very detailed google calendar schedule but have not shared it with her. (She feels we are anal and over the top by asking her to use it LOL )
Why do you say email instead of texts?

 

[stefana]

@dujdhlfe My lawyer and our GAL said stick to email as it's more clear when printed out for court.

Do share the calendar with her. Shows you tried in more than 1 way.

We had 50/50. It got complicated when stepmom refused to transport the kids certain places. My ex loves his kids but it took him years to accept that my house is quite frankly the more available house. My husband and I work full time but I partly work remote and my new husband's work schedule is more flexible. Granted, my ex and I live close together but it adds time away from my already stacked schedule. So while I can help out some days if the child is with me, I can't if I have to go pick her up at dads because it adds an extra stop when time is tight.

 

[dujdhlfe]

@stefana Do you know long have 50/50?
We will share the calendar and attempt email.

Yes we don’t mind catching the occasional need for help, after all-we might need it someday too. It’s Constant inconsistency and your responsibilities that adds a whole other level of stress.

 

[stefana]

@dujdhlfe Ex tried to get full custody. Court took away placement days. It was 8 years of hell for us but his attempt in court brought many things to light.

 

[rebecca_27]

@dujdhlfe If I have to drop what I’m doing to take over responsibilities on BM’s day, stepson is staying with us. Without a question. She can’t handle 50% of the responsibility then she doesn’t get 50% of the custody.