Older parents (39F&and43M) thinking about having a second child

[spiritlead2013]

We are a very solid couple who welcomed our son in 2021. We are now thinking about adding another; I am more in favor and my husband is more reticent, but I keep going back & forth in my head about it, and time is running out since I don't want to get pregnant well into my 40's (assuming I even could).

I ask for advice and thoughts on our situation.

My reasons for having a second child are basically that I would love to have another and I value the relationship with my siblings.

These are the main reasons I have doubts:

1- we live in a 3 bedroom apartment but 1 of the rooms is used as a studio for when we work at home. We would have to move (bad moment for that, we have good schools nearby and don't have much money to upgrade) or accept that we would have no more "adults only" space for our work.

2- while our son is not and was noever an unicorn child, he is undoubtedly easy going, indipendent and in great health. He was an average newborn, slept from bad to alright as an infant and is now a great sleeper as a toddler. A second could be easier maybe, but they could also be MUCH more high needs and way less accomodating than my son and still be a perfectly normal infant, let alone if they have any divergency or health issue.

3- my husband works all day (10+ hours at least) about 80% of the weekends in a year, while I work full time M-F. This means that I am solo parenting my son 2 full days after working fulltime all week. It is hard, in my mind I could manage to have another child if they are like my son as a newborn or easier, but if not I'm afraid I am setting up my whole family and my mental health for failure (my parents help as much as they can and we visit each other often, but they're not young and live about 40 minutes away).

I am especially looking for people who had a second, much more difficult child; what happened? How did you manage? Did you regret it?

Thank you all!

 

[stuart1717]

@spiritlead2013 I had my second at 40 (my husband was 45); my kids have a 3.5 year age gap. We both work full-time M-F, and have no family support locally or anything like that.

For me at least, going to two kids was HARD AF. I had the challenging kid first so I can't speak to that part of your question, but even with a pretty easy baby the move to two kids was kind of overwhelming. Like, I though having one kid meant very little free time and feeling overwhelmed a lot, but moving to two kids increased all of that exponentially. I did regret having a second for 3+ years; it's better now but it's been a journey.

One of the things we did for a year was have a nanny come for about four hours on Saturday mornings, which helped give each of us some time to catch up on chores and things that might not have gotten done during the week. (I think that was when my youngest was about 1.5-2.5yo).

 

[kimosabe2019]

@spiritlead2013 We're younger (33F/35M) and pregnant with our second but all those points apply for us. We're fencesitters for 3 kids though.

1) Our kids will be room sharing. We're going to try to coroom with the second a little longer but we'll see. Our toddler is a good sleeper but gets disturbed easily so we had to move him sooner than a year. I'm not worried about them sharing since he'll be older (2.5 years, also a 2021 baby, when the baby is born) and we will be able to talk with him on what works sleeping arrangements wise. I coroomed with my brother until I was 9 and honestly have few memories of it so it definitely wasn't an issue.

2) That's our worry too. I waited the 2 years between births based on my OBGYN recs (it's from the WHO I believe) that accounts for child development needs and I'm glad I did. The short stint our toddler was in PT for torticollis was hard enough. Him being more independent means I can handle the same process with the younger one. Obviously if there are needs greater than that we are two and through. We can handle at our current state that much we're comfortable with.

3) Same situation but it's like 60% of weekends. I think what you mention is both of our biggest concerns. My husband handles almost all the appointments on weekends so my sick time is used for the occasional illness and my own mental health. But with two we'll see if this seals our number. We're in a kid friendly city so if I can get into a routine with both of them, I think it will be manageable. My bigger concern is if we put activities on the weekends then it's my burden and cuts into free weekends my husband has. If it's on weekdays then I'm still on the hook 60-70% of the time but my husband has the stress of possibly running somewhere before/after a brutal shift to help out.

I will probably follow up on this at the 6 months mark. You really captured our hesitations going into number 2 even though we were sure of 2.

 

[jesusonelove]

@spiritlead2013 I had my second at 40 (my husband is a few years younger than me). We both work full-time and only have a two bedroom house. So, our two kids technically share a room (our oldest shares the bed with us).

The biggest sticking point on your list would be the weekends. So, maybe you could get a regular babysitter or helper for a bit of time those days.

I would also add that we had parental leave with our second child, but not our first which made a big difference for us.

 

[ashiedu]

@spiritlead2013 We are almost the exact same age and going through the same thoughts! I am 39 and husband is 44. Our son is also 2. My thoughts on another go back and forth daily. I have had two losses over the last couple of years and we will have to do IVF for the second (my choice, since I froze eggs at age 34). It may not work, but that would be the only way I would try again. The move from 1-2 seems hard. Our first is a wonderful boy, healthy but super high needs and busy. I never had the chill baby experience. I am only wanting a second because my son loves other kids and is very social. I know this should not be the only reason to have another one, so that is why I am thinking hard. I have a very physical job, and my husband is the stay at home parent. It works for us, and we could financially do it, if the pregnant was straightforward, which we never know. No answers, but to me, the income part/space in the house would be important to me…if I worked from home I wouldn’t feel good with no space to do that. Just my thoughts.

 

[montanarxz]

@spiritlead2013 Following, pretty similar situation, although I have your husbands work schedule. We have a “middle of the road” baby as well. Happy boy but definitely lost sleep in the beginning. But could’ve been so much worse?

Also my husbands music studio is the 3rd bedroom. Id love a second but I’m convinced two kids can share a room, regardless of gender. My son has the biggest room anyway!

 

[kosherinchrist]

@spiritlead2013 I know this is a bit older but just following up to see if and what you decided?

 

[faithnazarene615]

@spiritlead2013 My husband and I are the same age as you and your husband. I go back and forth as well. I’m a SAHM and my husband works long hours. I’m forever grateful to be a SAHM, but something that I did not foresee was the complete lack of time with my husband - either as a family or him and I together. When he’s home, he’s either exhausted, needs to decompress, or has work to do at home. With my one little dude right now it’s easy for me, and enjoyable, but I miss my husband and worry about our lack of time together. I know that with two it will be even more challenging. I’m very carefully trying to picture that possible reality and what impact it could have on everyone. A change in career is a possibility for him too, but over a year out from that. So I am waiting to see how things play out.

 

[sisi]

@spiritlead2013 Just responding to the space concern, we live in a 3-bedroom house and I work from home so use one of the rooms as an office during the day. We have 2 girls, ages 4 and almost 2. We have the younger one's crib in the office and have since we moved her out of our room at 6 months old, which has been fine because anytime I'm using it for work, she's at daycare. But we are planning to move the girls in to the same room soon, and have many friends who did that earlier. Is there any reason you couldn't have them in the same room if preserving the office is important? It's pretty common for siblings to share a room especially when they are young.

 

[chosenremnant]

@spiritlead2013 Perhaps a starting point is to go to the doctors to get a fertility reading. That might give you some indication as to whether you even have the possibility of a future with another child, or not.