Not sure where else to ask- what to tell daughters when dad doesn’t want them Fathers Day?

[tooblessedtobestressed]

My ex won’t be seeing the girls (7 yo twins) It’s my weekend but he is entitled and I made it clear he had the option. He isn’t big on “made up holidays” and said it’s just another day. (He also doesn’t want them for his bday next month and thinks it’s silly j want my bday/Mother’s Day.)

To preface: he’s a pretty good dad. He is as involved as he can be from 90 minutes away. He’s not the most emotionally available person so I fear that will be an issue with time.

They asked when Father’s Day is and I told them but also said they wouldn’t be with dad. They asked why. I kind of answered and then side-stepped. But they’ll ask again. Anyone have a good way to spare their little feelings?

 

[bellavoce7]

@tooblessedtobestressed Tell them just like that. “Dad isn’t big on holidays, but if you want to make a card for him you can give it to him on X day. We can call him in Father’s Day to and wish him a happy one!”

 

[katrina2017]

@tooblessedtobestressed My ex is waffling. He’s a great dad but they’ve been sick and he’s on a long leave so he’s had them a lot. If he doesn’t have them I plan to just say “well it’s my weekend with you, you can celebrate on Monday!”

It really doesn’t have to be a big deal and IMO you have no obligation to tell her he doesn’t “want” to be with her.

 

[hal4x]

@tooblessedtobestressed The kids need to be clear that it’s Father’s Day he’s not interested in, not them. That’s all that matters.

 

[matthew1423]

@tooblessedtobestressed My boyfriend is exactly the same way. His kids are 15 and 18 now and they’re pretty tight with. Their dad. They’re just used to the fact he doesn’t really do birthdays or holidays and they know if they ask for stuff he’ll do it but they don’t expect much. As far as like…it being a crucial part of their development…it wasn’t.

 

[drybomber]

@tooblessedtobestressed "Dad doesn't feel like he needs anything special on fathers day, he likes that you appreciate him every day and doesn’t feel the need to change the schedule"

"If you want to make him a card or give him a present, we can organise that so you have it next time you see him"

Can you go with something simple and honest?

 

[psychopath2313]

@tooblessedtobestressed I have a kid who is nearly 7. As it happens, her dad does want her on Father's Day, but if he didn't, I would just tell her 'It is your weekend with me, so let's give dad his card and gift next time you see him. I am sure he will love it!' (assuming you know what it is lol).

If Mother's Day had also happened to fall on my weekend, though, I do think my kid and many others around that age would probably notice and get some sense of unfairness. I'd probably just try to gloss over it with something like 'It just happens to be the way things fall this year; maybe next year it will be different. It's just chance. How about we video call dad on Father's Day?'

I am a bit like that, I am not bothered whether or not I would have my daughter on Mother's Day or my birthday. It's my ex who specified for our court order that we will each have those.

 

[momthreeo]

@tooblessedtobestressed If it's not his parenting time then just say that. I don't subscribe to these things and if my child isn't with me on mother's day, it's not a big deal. I'd also not want my child specifically for my birthday but if they are here, great. I'm emotionally available and love my children but I'm inclined to think more like your ex.

 

[despondent]

@tooblessedtobestressed I was torn on wanting to be with my son on mother's day, because it should be a day when I get to do whatever I want. I feel the same way about my birthday. Granted my son is still a toddler so spending those days with him would automatically make any activity about him. So I get this perspective.

I would probably just try to explain that those are days where Dad gets to relax and do adult only activities that he enjoys.

 

[thornian]

@tooblessedtobestressed I’m the parent that doesn’t feel the pull to celebrate Mother’s Day or my birthday. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest to celebrate either holiday on a separate day, and to be honest, any holiday on a separate day.

I am also the primary parent during the school year, and it was his weekend for Mother’s Day. He asked if I wanted them the whole day and I said no, because for Mother’s Day I wanted the “day off”.

A big part of it for me is that I loathe the idea of coming up with ways to “celebrate me” on those days, and my kids aren’t old enough yet to plan things themselves. It doesn’t feel genuine when I’m the one coming up with the plans.

But I always make sure that my kids do something for their dad. I take them shopping to get him a Christmas gift. For his birthday, I bought cheap picture frames and they drew pictures to put in the frames to give him as a gift. I’ve been looking up crafts that they can make for him for Father’s Day. It’s important to me to teach them to think of others and how giving is often better than receiving.

My ex has not done the same for me, and when he had the kids for my birthday, he didn’t even have them call me (his sister had them call me later in the evening). And as a side note, he always complained when we were together that he “didn’t know what to get” me, so I rarely enjoyed anything he did or got for me because he complained about it.

I do my best to make the time we have together as good as it can be, regardless of the day . So if I were in your position, tell your kids you’ll spend the day shopping for a gift for him or making him a craft; and get them excited to give it to him the next time they see him

 

[flissy]

@tooblessedtobestressed We aren’t always going to have the answers for their hard questions. “I don’t know, kiddo,” is a totally valid response to stuff like this. It’s OK that your kids know that you don’t really get it, either.

 

[trackey]

@tooblessedtobestressed I think that it’s often important to the kids. My hubby and his kids mom have stopped “forcing” the schedule to work for mom and dad days. But I’ve observed that the kids naturally want to be with their mom and dad on those days. So I think it’s important to consider that aspect also. That it might be important to them even if he and their mom are neutral.

 

[mike331]

@tooblessedtobestressed I would honestly talk to your ex, if he's open to the conversation, and get a story together. Explain to him, that the kids are getting bigger and you can't dance around that much anymore as they are more aware and hurting their feelings isn't an option either.

Get said story straight, and move on.

Otherwise, just do your best to keep them busy on Father's Day and if push comes to shove.. just say he had to work or something, text him your answer and let him take it from there.

There's not much you can do without any help from him on stuff like this.

 

[natemateo]

@tooblessedtobestressed No offense but eff your ex....they're babies. What a pos...90 mins is far, but to see your little ones its not. Time is something you never get back.

 

[questftbest]

@natemateo Honestly the situation just sounds bad, like both parents want free time away from their kids.

 

[natemateo]

@questftbest I get that part..but like any other job it comes with its ups and downs.

Hope they can come up with an agreement that works.

 

[katrina2017]

@tooblessedtobestressed I feel there are so many people are of the opinion that kids need the raw/unfiltered truth around things like this. But in my opinion that is more damaging than anything. So I commend you for wanting to explain this in a way that won’t hurt them. It is definitely possible to give them an explanation that doesn’t require lying, but also doesn’t throw your ex under the bus. I would say something along the lines of “Dad loves you very much, he’s just not big on holidays so you all can celebrate Monday” or something

 

[edwardhall]

@tooblessedtobestressed I'm in the same boat. I have a 7, 13, and 15 year old. Dad is going on a camping trip with his wife instead of spending time with them. It was his choice. I don't really know what to say. They're pretty confused. I'm sorry you're having to navigate it too.