No free time, no social life. No more. Wife disagrees

[wisdomandlove]

Title sums it up but desperately feeling the wrath of having to have a second stack up against me. My wife and I have one boy who’s is now just over 1 year old. We love him, but he takes all of our time and effort. Besides working, it’s our only time away from him. My wife definitely wants two and makes it very well known almost a 3 to 4x a week. It’s really starting to bother me.

I don’t know how to win this or come out of this OAD, but I feel like one of us is really gonna be hurt emotionally.

I’ve told her dozens of times financially, time wise, and overall for reasons of sanity I want to just be one and done. She guilts mostly about how our little one will need siblings and be lonely. At this point I’m just exhausted trying to defend my reasoning. I don’t want to do this anymore. Seems like after you have one child the topic of babies and everything surrounding them is the only subject of topic at all. Love my son, but damn I’m over it.

Feeling down and beat.

Thank you all for this group.

Edit: thanks for all the comments everyone. Our son is now approaching 18 months! I’m still team OAD 100%, not an ounce of consideration in me at all to have another. Question for y’all. Really thinking about going down the path of getting a vasectomy, are these covered by health insurance at all or can I use a HSA to offset the cost if they are in fact covered? It’s still a sore conversation between me and my wife. I think the main point of contest I head in the comments was probably about if wife had any complications or PPD. She had a clean birth and for the most part straightforward birth with no complications. I just know 2 is not in the cards for me. I know it’s difficult for her to hear this but one of my biggest points is that feelings can change. Sure going into the marriage we had talked and discussed about having maybe 2 or 3. But you don’t know how Al hard it is to raise kids until you actually have one, right? So my thoughts have changed, if I am looked at as the bad guy for that l, so be it. Not going to fall on the sword because years ago I said multiple kids sounded okay. Good luck everyone out there who has kids. I know it ain’t easy!

 

[htb33rod]

@wisdomandlove I'm so sorry you're feeling that way and that your wife isn't listening to you.

My kiddo is in kinder and our lives are finally, finally recovering from the nuke that dropped when she was born. I cannot imagine starting over at the beginning.

My kid and our dog were playing today. The whole time I just kept thinking to myself how happy I was that I didn't create another whole ass person just to be a playmate for kid #1.

Maybe having your wife browse this sub might be helpful? Or couples counseling? Adding another should absolutely be two enthusiastic yes votes.

 

[fish14]

@htb33rod Definitely this. Couples counseling to communicate better and to deal with potential resentment and disappointment when one person ends up not getting what they want is important.

 

[jesuschristismylord33]

@htb33rod Agree that browsing this sub may help! Definitely made me realize that I didn’t HAVE to have two, and appreciate what I already had. It wasn’t easy and took years, but we’re happily one and done.

 

[jchaudoir36]

@htb33rod Mine is in kinder this year too, and I've had these exact feelings. Well said.

 

[slorib]

@htb33rod

just to be a playmate for kid #1.

The thing that people often don't realise is that this is a complete gamble anyway. Half the time they just end up fighting all the time. Or the eldest gets super jealous and acts out.

 

[shaemc]

@htb33rod Does the dog help your kiddo cope with being an only? I only have one child and I am 95% sure I will be OAD. I know an animal doesn’t compare to a sibling/human but I thought a pet in the future would provide some companionship but wasn’t sure.

 

[htb33rod]

@shaemc Honestly, outside of a one-off question, my kid hasn't really been interested in a sibling. After I explained how much of my time/attention she would lose if we were to have another, she swiftly joined the OAD team.

With that said, they are so close and best buds. My dog loves my kid and my kid loves my dog. And there is wayyy less arguing than we experience with my niblings. Things were tough at the beginning when they were new to each other but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

 

[luminous_scribe]

@wisdomandlove I didn't want a second. If my husband was bringing it up 3 to 4 times a week I'd be horrified. Sure there's things for you two to talk about but she has to hear you. A child should be wanted by both parents, they aren't a play toy for the first.

 

[seekingredemption]

@luminous_scribe Yeah, 3 or 4 times a week is A LOT. She's just trying to wear him down.

 

[bornagainkames]

@luminous_scribe That sounds like she wants to convince him. OP needs to make it clear to her that he's definitely OAD (if he is) and that she can be sad, but he doesn't want to have discussions. Or they could decide not to talk about it now and revisit the topic in a year or two. Discussing it so often is exhausting.

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@luminous_scribe Yeah, this would annoy the Hell out of me, and the constant badgering would absolutely cause fights after awhile. It must be exhausting to have so many conversations involving the same damn issue! All I can say is this: BE VERY CAREFUL ABOUT BIRTH CONTROL!! The number of people who have "oopsies" in these situations is high! When one partner is super pushy and the other shows no signs of caving in, it can cause people to do crazy things.

And OP's reasons for being OAD are the same as my own - I'm very thankful my husband and I are on the same page, because these aren't negligible issues. Furthermore, the idea of having to PUSH an unenthusatic partner into giving in and having another child is crazy to me - I understand OP's wife's feelings, but I'd rather be disappointed and hurt than to have a baby with an unwilling and uninterested partner. Absolutely therapy, but also be diligent about preventing pregnancy right now!

 

[walterm%C3%BCller]

@ababwaalijaz Good point. If they use condoms she might try to baby trap him by poking holes, or if she's on the pill she might just stop taking them without him knowing

 

[ababwaalijaz]

@walterm%C3%BCller She wouldn't be the first - it's more common for a woman to "forget" to take the pill OR convince her partner she isn't ovulating and thus it's "safe" to skip a condom entirely, but I don't doubt some women will sabotage the condoms themselves. Again, l would be very careful regardless!

 

[reporter94]

@wisdomandlove So, my husband was totally in for a second. It would have been fine for him because he is gone a lot and I was the one doing the heavy lifting (and still am). We made a decision together to wait a little while. Then when that little while was up, I was honest- I cannot do this again. At the point we were at, with a 5 year old that could toilet himself, wipe his own butt, and eat normal meals when we were eating them, my husband totally agreed.

Could you put off the decision for a little while? Could you get out of the depths of infant hood? Because that ish is real hard. You may change your mind when this phase is over. You also may not, but she may change her mind too once you’ve gotten past it. It’s worth thinking about waiting a little while if you can.

Disclaimer: I was 25 when I had my son, and am 37 now with an 11 year old. I had time to be able to make the decisions and don’t fault anyone that doesn’t have that time for trying to move the decision making along faster.

 

[frknfly]

@wisdomandlove We understand you! Even just one child is a LOT of work. Your wife needs to do her own homework and learn more about sibling dynamics if she thinks having a second child means your first won’t be lonely. So many people have siblings and feel tremendous loneliness. Siblings are not guaranteed best friends and your wife needs to understand that in order to get a realistic grasp of what it’s like having multiple kids. Dig around on this sub and try to find one of the many posts where a lot of people here have listed all the positive reasons why we are one and done. Maybe you’ll find some good info you can share with your wife.

 

[rupereta]

@wisdomandlove You do not need to make siblings for your child to have companionship. Other people make babies too! I’m the third of four siblings and we all hate each other. No one of us is talking to all of the others. It really sucks that my child has no extended family on my side. I’d rather she be an only child than deal with one brother who doesn’t show up, one brother telling her to F off and a sister spouting nonsense and breaking up with her over it. I hope you guys find a healthy way to talk about this and come to a decision together. It sucks any other way.

 

[consvgentleman]

@rupereta Totally agree. I love my sister and will always have her back….but if we weren’t blood related I would definitely not be friends with her. It makes me sad, but we have a weird toxic relationship that’s f’d with me for years. Thankful my daughter will only have drama with her two cat sisters!

 

[rupereta]

@consvgentleman My best friend has two daughters who love mine dearly. I don’t have to make sisters for her to have those kinds of relationships!

 

[beautifullycreated]

@rupereta Unsure how everything thinks a sibling is an automatic BFF or even friend. I have one brother and we never talk except when we see each other for events. We were not remotely close as kids either. I have friend who also never talk to their siblings or rarely do. Plus he’ll have friends of his own someday and now 2 cousins close to his age.