Naming issues with mom... How do I revisit this with her?

J

justwantin2fellowship

New member
Mom and myself talked about baby names before she was even pregnant. We had a full name chosen. All was perfect. A few months later after a cruise, we found out we were pregnant. OK! GAME TIME! Life is happening and I’m super excited... It’s my first biological child. The name for our child included my last name. This is a big deal for me. We had discussed that after marriage I would adopt her son and we would change his last name to mine, as well as her name to mine. We still are not married, but that is still the plan.

A couple of months later she told me that our child would not have my last name, but hers instead. This was devastating for me. I wasn’t even included in the decision. She talked to others and got their opinions on the situation instead of talking to me. I wasn’t involved at all and that hurt. So much. So we compromised, we would hyphenate her last name. I don’t like it, but i love my lady and I think it will be ok. We move forward. So instead of the initials JLA(yes, i did this on purpose), It was turned into JLA-B.... My little girl is going to be on the justice leagues B team.. UGH! FINE.

Two weeks ago we are in our living room and I’m thinking about the situation of our pregnancy as a whole and I get excited again, really excited. I begin to exclaim that “WE’RE HAVING A BABY! It’s really happening! My baby girl will be on the B-Team, but it ok, she can graduate to the major leagues soon enough!”

This is when she hit me with this gem, “Oh I need to tell you something.” My heart dropped. I knew it was another name change. I could feel it.
She has added a second middle name. There again was no discussion. She says, “I took a poll, I asked a lot of people and the double middle name always won. Everyone likes it.”

Everyone but me. The one who got left out of the process again. The one who told you that its not fair that you can just change her name without consulting me. I don’t have the ability to do that. I explained my feelings to her and how I did not like the feeling of the entire situation. I explained that it was very exciting in the beginning, but that I don’t even feel as if i matter now. The best way I could explain it to her was by saying this:

“You know how you want to tell a story and someone keeps cutting you off? They cut you off so much that this story you were dying to tell is now something you no longer want to even talk about. You just want to move on. That’s how this feels for me now. That feeling of not mattering enough to be heard. To not be included in something so major to me as my first biological child. Something we’ve discussed before, something you know matters to me?”

It honestly feels like betrayal and I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or if I’m being irrational, crazy, unfair... Do I not understand something?
She picked the first name “J” as an homage to her sister and I picked the middle name “L” with my last name “A” it was perfect. Then on two separate occasions she changed the name without telling me. Without consulting me. Without warning.

The reason for the addition of her last name is so that her first born isn’t confused on why his sister and himself don’t have the same last name and for school reasons. After I explained those away, it still didn’t matter. Now she has added a second middle name as homage to her cousin.

So now my little girl will be J.E.L.A-B... 7/9/5/9/7(number of letters per name). It’s crazy...or am I being unreasonable? I don’t even feel a connection anymore. A mothers connection to her child is the physical, the naming process is all I get pre-birth. And I lost all of it. I’m scared that the feeling I have toward mom for this will not go away or that it may transfer or I’ll end up with some male version of postpartum depression.
 
@justwantin2fellowship I am very sorry that my response is so negative and I HOPE so hard that I am wrong.

But I know that I would never have dreamed of telling my husband that me and other people have already decided that the baby is going to be named something other than what we agreed. I sure as Hell wouldn't have done it TWICE.

And the fact that she and her son were intended to be changing their names soon anyway and then she decided to give your daughter her name....

For me, the bells are going way off. I would ask her how serious she even is about being with you. It isn't logical to give a baby one last name only to intend to change it soon. Does she intend to change your daughter's name? Does she intend to change hers? I'm sorry for planting the idea if it's a wrong one, but is she backing out without saying so? In your shoes, that would be my next conversation with her.
 
@justwantin2fellowship The fact she spoke to multiple people and got their opinions vs your's and then decided to change something you both agreed upon because of those conversations instead of you is absolutely bullshit and she only spoke to them to get the permission that it was ok to do so because she knew you would be a no.

She needs to reevaluate and you both need to compromise together, or I may have not understood your situation are these other people going to be parenting this child or is it you two?
 
@justwantin2fellowship I'll second/third/fourth/whateverth what everyone else said about the fact that she announced this decision without talking to you is a huge red flag, and is pretty good grounds for counseling.

I'll add though that both these changes, particularly the change of the last name, what you want to know is why. The most obvious answer on the last name is that people got in her ear about how you aren't married, what if he leaves, you should make sure the kids have your name until you get married and he adopts your son. For the middle name, I bet it's a bit of the same, talking about how she's the mother, you aren't married, it's her decision, so she should get the middle name she likes.

If that is the case, then what you need to express to her is that if people are getting in her head and making her take actions based on doubts about your relationship, she needs to raise those doubts to you, not just the actions.
 
@justwantin2fellowship Have you considered running your own poll about adding one more name? Jelab is one thing, but JETLAB is better. (Really, things need to be talked out between you two, I'm just here to attempt to lighten your mood)
 
@justwantin2fellowship I agree with the others here about warning flags that need discussion and maybe counseling. This seems to be more than a naming issue.

Parenting is full of obstacles that require communication and teamwork. If she isn’t talking with you now, what happens when the problems get harder?
 
@justwantin2fellowship Have to agree with other posters. These issues are huge red flags. You haven't shared what her response to your concerns have been, other than that ultimately they seem unheard. Is this the life you want? I would advise counseling ASAP.
 
@justwantin2fellowship Coming from a mother (sorry guys, I just love how excited you all are about your babies!) it isn't fair to you at all. Bring up to her why she needs to lead a poll to make a decisions that is really between the two of you. I would say she's afraid to voice her own opinion which means these polls are BS. You don't know what people really said or if she is just making it up to favor what she wants. She already made one change without you and should NOT get to make another. You guys are partners and she needs to see that. Now, after a good conversation between the two of you doesn't end with a good compromise maybe then you BOTH talk to outside sources, good ones that you both agree on. If you are truly willing to talk this out, she should be too. Just mind your wording while talking to her and don't be too harsh, this is easy to do when upset (even rightfully so)
 
Here is an update.

The moddle name she has added (E) is the name of a cousin that tried to carry two children to full term and failed. This relative can not have children now. When she told the relative, they were super happy and even cried.

This came out in the middle of an (air quotations) ‘argument’ just moments ago. This is turning out to be really shitty. I think it’s ruining my relationship. I went in to this expressing my feelings and not being combative. And i told her the truth. “I hate the name.” And it turned into her being very upset. It got a little heated and I told her(with good reason) to name her what she would like and to drop the L in the name.

My reason is that I have two middle names. 8/7/5/9 those are character lengths. I hated my name as a kid. It’s so fucking long. At this point what I want is out the window, just for my little girls sake.

I don’t want her to live with that many names. It’s ridiculous if you ask me. Two middle names and two last names? My wants are out the window. I rather her be named J.E.B. Just to have a semi decent name. The middle name I chose and my last name aren’t even needed. It was my connection to my little girl. But it feels clear that my hopes and dreams of this are not welcome. Maybe we aren’t meant to be together. Maybe I’m holding on to a love that is not equally reciprocated.

I don’t know. I’m sad now.
 
@justwantin2fellowship Umm. Yeah, this is concerning. The last name thing throws me off - like to me it sounds like she's not convinced you two are going to get married. It would be one thing if she said she didn't want to change her own last name upon getting married so she wanted to hyphenate. Then...she's discussing baby names and making decisions not only without you, but with other people? That's...very odd.

I really think some couples counseling is needed for you two, because clearly there's some communication issues.
 
@justwantin2fellowship The different last name thing is easy for kids. Especially the elder ones. Younger kids grow up with that "being just how it is." Hell, they get confused when others get confused by something so simple.

Divorces and second marriages are a common thing. So honestly, nobody except a moron would get confused.

I really don't know how you'll get through a relationship where your opinion carries so little weight. Especially if you have a wedding with more than just 4 guests.
 
@domascnn Yes, agreed! I have 2 older sisters, I was a surprise 15 years later. In my youngest memories I have, all of us had different last names than each other (oldest: married, middle: their dad, me: my dad). I was 2 when my oldest sister got married. At no point was I ever confused on if they were my sisters or why they had different names than me. In fact, I always believed they were my 100% full blood sisters until I really understood what ½ siblings meant. To this day we still consider each other sisters, not half.

So the whole “making it less confusing for the kids” reasoning is a b.s. excuse, OP. Sorry to be blunt, but it is what it is.
 
@justwantin2fellowship As someone with two middle names: it is a huge inconvenience. Most forms only have one space for a middle initial—especially online forms, which are more common than paper now anyway. Personally, I usually end up dropping the second middle name entirely because it’s just easier. That’s a practical issue which may help your cause.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You agreed on a name, and she changed it twice without telling you. I think you need to be open to compromising on the name, but she should have brought it up with you first if she wasn’t happy with the name you guys chose.
 
@justwantin2fellowship I'm trying to put a positive spin on this but maybe there are some deeper issues she's dealing with and this is just how it is manifesting?

You said she had another child with another guy before you - maybe they were talking about marriage/naming the child after him and then once pregnant or after birth the added stress of a child caused their relationship to fall apart. Now, part of herself is afraid of history repeating and if you are going to leave her/cheat on her/whatever like her ex did, it'll hurt a lot less to have a baby named after her. Maybe she started telling her relatives how happy she was with the original name and they said, 'Hold on, remember what happened with X? Do you really want to repeat that? Why not name it after you, you will always be there for it. This guy? Pfft - who knows?'

In any case, that's all speculation and doesn't really matter. I think you need to have a serious chat about why she wants to change the name and what her plans for the future really are.

Legally, like so many other things, Father's are kind of second class citizens, when it comes to naming babies. Ultimately she'll almost certainly be able to name it whatever she wants, but hopefully you two can talk it out and reach some sort of consensus.

If you two are still planning on getting married, does she still intend to change the names of both the children?
 
@cathb The first guy walked out almost immediately. In our first month or two of dating I had spent more time with his kid than he has in all 3 years. First kid has her last name. And when married she wants to change all three of their names to just my last name.
 
@justwantin2fellowship I agree with others that it's not great on her part, but she's also chock-full of hormones. One thing that occurred to me - is it possible that she feels insecure about you two not being married yet? Like this is some sort of "insurance"?
 
@katrina2017 I’m getting out of work late. About to go home shortly(in about 15 minutes & then a 15 minute drive) and talk. I’m reminding myself to stay open minded, fair, non-upset and as unbiased as possible(impossible I know, but I can def view from another’s perspective).
 
@justwantin2fellowship I'm a comic book nerd and... well, the whole JLA thing concerned me. Like, while I know that the mom making unilateral naming decisions is frustrating and hurtful, I can also imagine that she doesn't think you're taking naming seriously. After all, her choices stem from honoring family members, and yours stems from... making it work like the acronym for a superhero team.

Now, granted, she is not communicating her concerns in a healthy way. It feels like she is browbeating you with a multitude of names, hoping at some point you will say "This long name is unwieldy! We have to drop one!" And off goes Leia, Lois, Lana, Lori, or whatever you chose as a middle name. The way you summed it up in your cut-off-story metaphor is exactly what she wants.

There is a lot to unpack here in terms of communication issues. Honestly, I don't know how to resolve this problem other than through couples counseling.
 
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