My wife thinks parenting won’t be that hard

[davidpark]

My (M35) wife (F33) and I are expecting our first child later this year. We’re excited, but she’s heard a lot about how tough parenting is and is trying to mentally prepare herself by talking to friends and reading parenting forums. However, the more she reads, the more she keeps saying “that doesn’t sound so bad” and “it might be easier for us” and “how hard can that be?”

Her logic is that we live in a small apartment in NYC so there’s not a lot of household maintenance tasks, we don’t have any pets, and we plan to outsource most chores (get a weekly cleaner, send out laundry, get takeouts). She also says that she normally sleeps badly anyway, and has worked in high intensity jobs (~80 hour weeks) in the past.

My gut feeling is that it’s going to be harder than she imagines, especially since we have no family close by and will be pretty much doing this on our own (and not planning to hire a nanny), but I don’t have first hand experience so it’s hard to convince her.

Is she right? Or, help me convince her she is wrong.

 

[puddintain]

@davidpark

Or, help me convince her she is wrong.

Lol why? She's already pregnant right? There's nothing you are gonna say that is gonna be more convincing then your kid screaming.

 

[ricesn]

@puddintain lol this is true.

However, OP, I will say that she likely isn’t totally wrong about some of those things. For the first 4 years of my kid’s life, we lived in a one bedroom apartment in LA. Many aspects WERE easier than expected. I constantly saw posts and memes talking about how the house is always a wreck and how hard it is to keep things tidy, but I found it quite easy considering we always made sure to prune through clutter. Never had to deal with truly stressful mess since we had 750 sq ft and no yard to deal with instead of a huge house and an acre of land.

Plus, living in the middle of the city, I could just pop baby in the carrier on me and walk to the grocery store a block away, to get coffee, go to the playground, her pediatrician was 2 blocks away, preschool was 3 blocks away, etc. Living in the city made some aspects of parenting WAY easier than for other Americans that have to hop in a car and commute to different places that are more spread out.

 

[tonykilcoyne]

@puddintain Screams cause pooped. Screams cause peed. Screams cause hungry. Screams cause u looked at it for to long. Screams cause cat looked at it for too long. Screams cause it’s been 5 mins since it last screamed.

lol I too thought it would be easy! Op has a storm approaching!

 

[lohmannshof15]

@davidpark She has the right attitude. It is hard but her points are valid and if she believes that she is confident she can handle that’s a good place to start from.

 

[junea9]

@lohmannshof15 Agreed. There’s no right or wrong here. It’s gonna be subjective and could change week to week

But your wife is going into this with an overall good attitude. Sounds like she’s not stressing out and is prepared to take on the challenge. It’s much better to be going into this with a “no matter what happens, we got this” mentality than one that is sorta already assuming it’s gonna be bad.

All that said - I’m a big believer in “hope for the best, prepare for the worst” when it comes to parenting. So have a positive attitude and embrace life as it comes, but also think ahead and plan as much as you can to make sure you have things/resources/backup/etc…

 

[danishajaz]

@junea9 Right. It's better than the alternative of "OMG this child is going to ruin my life, I don't want them". Op shouldn't be wanting his wife to be stressed and scared

 

[guitarplayerfx]

@davidpark Some people just aren’t that phased by “hard work”. My experience is that it’s all relative and perceptual. It can depend on your luck, whether one or all of you are sick that week, your baby’s temperament, your own temperament, ability to adjust to change etc. So many factors.

I think about how people go on these insane marathons or exercise routines and push themselves and it’s hard, but like… they do it knowing they can do it.

It’s good that she feels for the most part like she’s ready for it. That’s a good thing and I would meet that energy if you can. But also I get where you’re coming from, don’t want to be naive.

There will be hard times, like really hard times, but people find a way to make it through.

I don’t think you want to get into the right/wrong game on this one. Just tell her whether things are “hard” or not you’re in it together.

 

[human4675]

@guitarplayerfx Absolutely this. I went into my wife’s pregnancy with the same mentality.

There’s no need for OP shit on his wife’s parade. Reality is you don’t know how easy or hard your child will be until they arrive.

 

[edoward]

@davidpark Why do you want to convince your wife to be more afraid of parenting when the decision has already been made? I understand you want her to have realistic expectations, but I would just let her look forward to it as that is probably a healthier mindset than potentially making her dread it, since she is already pregnant.

 

[scott9739]

@davidpark I have 2 kids now and I think your wife sounds right honestly. When my husband and I were both on leave with the newborn we thought it was the easiest thing in our careers. Still the hardest things in our lives are not kids related. A stressful job is wayyyy worse.

 

[smarch]

@scott9739 For real, when my first was born my wife and I had 2 months of parental leave. We had a great time, basically an extended, tired, staycation. When I got back to work I played up how difficult it was because I felt bad basically taking an extended vacation hahaha.

 

[itisfinished]

@scott9739 I guess it depends on the kid. My wife and I agree that parenting is by far the hardest thing we’ve done - including STEM masters degrees and careers in those fields.

 

[maria214]

@itisfinished I guess some science(psychology, biology, medical, etc.) but otherwise a bunch of knowledge, experience, or a brain that just is sort of wired for those fields doesn’t really naturally possess or help develop many of the skills that are developed during parenting.

As a T/E/M career guy doing a good bit of logic every day it was quite jarring when, in the simplest form, all IF conditions in the “happy child” formula were met and the child was still unhappy in some cases, ya know?

Parenting is still hard in its own right, absolutely, but I think it’s not just based on the kid kinda like you mentioned, it’s also based on the parents and their capabilities, experience, etc.

 

[seventimesseven]

@scott9739 Shhh we’re not supposed to say this, it’s a very unpopular opinion haha

 

[maria214]

@seventimesseven It’s not though, I’ve personally never seen two people both on leave say that was the hard part lol. The hard part is when mom has no or absolutely minimal leave potentially unpaid and dad is back at work the day after the birth (maybe one or two weeks after using whatever pto or vacation MAY exist, in my case it did not) and then somehow trying to manage work and travel for it, scheduling doctors appointments for mom and checkups while losing ALL the sleep and having one or both parents going on fumes for a week straight at minimum and starting to get some pips and warnings at work but not being able to do anything because it’s still just two against the world with no village, ALL while trying to figure out what the hell this parenting thing even is and trying to mange it…. or whatever.

Can’t imagine people would push for equity in maternal/paternal leave if it made life harder lmao. Nothing about having less focus shifting and less competing priorities is difficult lol!

Parenting or keeping the kid alive/ rocking and reading and hearing kids music only on repeat for 2 years straight and navigating the whole thing just isn’t hard alone… parenting is hard because when you’re a parent you generally have 2,3,4 whatever other things that you still have to do and that sometimes have to take the priority over parenting at least intermittently to assure base survival or maintain mental/physical health you name it, and doing all of it is when the cookie starts to crumble.

 

[ami_dawnielle]

@davidpark Why? As long as you adequately prepare, does it matter? You'll find out soon enough how hard it'll be.

 

[autonomicrake]

@davidpark Some days you will feel like rock stars that are nailing it, some days you’ll feel like a trash can. Let her think what she wants, pregnancy is hard enough. I did a lot of over analyzing what wouldn’t be so bad for us, it helped reduce anxiety. then you’ll have your baby and your experience will be your own. I bet she’ll come to understand some of the complaints and never understand some of the others. For me (mom of 2 under 4 years old) the hardest part is that “it” (mom life, responsibility, love, guilt, laundry, etc) is constant- every single day, every single night. I’ve never experienced anything so constant and that can make even small things feel exhausting. I’d ride any optimism she’s having and tell her you also think you’re going to be awesome at this, any other attitude will only bring her down.

 

[shlbycindy]

@davidpark I always came back to the conclusion of, “yes. It’s hard. But it’s also super easy and fun most of the time.” And it has only gotten better. The first 5-7 months will be tough. But the good moments FAR outweigh the hard moments.

Your wife is trying to prepare herself. So are you. Which is good. But I can guarantee you that it’s not gonna be fully what you expected, good and bad.

The only for sure advice I will give you is, when those moments come where it’s really hard, DO NOT bring it back around to the conversations you had before the birth. No “I told you so.” That will make everything you are doing, WAY harder.

Enjoy the ride my guy. I promise you the hard work isn’t that hard in the grand scheme of things.

 

[lou35]

@davidpark Some people do just have it easier, there are easy babies, and it sounds she’s made some other preparations for life with future baby. I hope it is as easy for you both as she’s anticipating, and I hope you’re there to help and support if it’s not. Godspeed.