My toddler doesn’t sleep well - he fell asleep tonight at 11pm and I feel so bad :(

@paker I agree with other commenters that the likely culprits are excess sugar and screen time. It’s hard when they are young! But setting those boundaries early will help you both so much in the long run, and will likely reduce the meltdowns as well. How old is he?

It looks like a lot of the time blocks on here could be cut down significantly. Dinner & dessert probably don’t need to be any longer than 30-45 minutes at most. Dressing for bed, vitamins, and brushing teeth could take closer to 5-10 minutes. Snack should come before teeth, etc. (if it’s a trigger, maybe start asking right before teeth are brushed. “I know you like to have an evening snack. Why don’t we have that now, before you brush your teeth, and then after teeth are brushed you’ll be all ready for bed.”)
 
@paker I gave my kid one vitamin once in the evening and he was running laps around the living room. Turns out, vitamins help produce energy.

Switching to morning isn’t going to magically solve your problem, but every little bit helps.
 
@paker Your night time schedule is ridiculous.

You'd benefit from waking your toddler up at 6am
Lunch at 12
Dinner at 5
Bath 5.30
Wind down and snack at 6
In bed and story at 6.30

Your child is ruling you
You need to be harder your toddler will have tantrums etc but you need to work through it
 
@paker He's just saying that bc you say yes. Say do u want a snack now? You have 5 min and then tooth brush and NEVER again he gets a snack. If he gets it one time.he knows now you'll give in. He doesn't know... You're the adult. He has to trust you. Right now he rules the show
 
@paker At this age, children just want to find boundaries and they’re clever. They’re very good at asking for “just this small thing”. And then another “just this small thing”. And then another “just this small thing” until you’re overwhelmed.

The answer is unfortunately tantrums. They learn. The tantrums don’t last forever. But the answer is to say no to the first “just this small thing” and stop the spiral.

There are some ways to prepare your child for this schedule change. It won’t stop the tantrums but it might lessen the severity of the tantrums:
  • Talk about the changes to the bedtime routine during the day, not right before bed. Ask your toddler why they don’t like going to bed (are they scared? Do they think they’re missing out?)
  • Move the dessert to lunch.
  • Start bedtime WAY earlier. Like bath should be no later than 6:30. At most.
  • Set up a visual routine reminder, like this. You can make one easily by just drawing pictures of your routine for the wall.
  • Cut out all screen time after lunch. Seriously. This was probably the biggest change for my toddler. TV incredibly overstimulates my toddler.
Some tricks we learned:
- The earlier the tantrum the better. So if your toddler throws a tantrum because you said no to dessert that’s sort of fabulous. It gives you more time after the tantrum to get the toddler to bed.
- Some kids (like mine) will just gently push and push boundaries until you’re in a hell scape. You want to say yes because the ask is so small. But saying yes to one small ask starts the spiral. Say no.
- Give no ground. I won’t move backwards in the routine. I’d go crazy. It also helps staunch the “just this little thing” as a request.
- Start everything way, way earlier than you anticipate. This might mean that your partner doesn’t have dinner with your toddler. But toddlers still really need to sleep earlier. At least mine does. So the day routine is set by my toddler’s needs—what I do and when is dictated by what is the best way to support my toddler’s routine.
 
@paker So we let my toddler watch cartoons while we cook dinner. We give him a 5 minute warning and then make him wash his hands before dinner. If he doesn’t start making his way to the bathroom after I turn it off and I’ve already asked him 2/3 times - I’m carrying him, then putting him in his high chair.

Your child doesn’t get to demand dessert - if he eats enough dinner, he can have some. Maybe even tell him how many spoonfuls he needs to eat before he can have some and watch him like a hawk, counting. Then he can have a sugar free dessert - but just tell him it’s chocolate. We’ve done this with treats for potty training and he still calls it chocolate.

We have 1 hour/1 hour 30mins after his shower where he reads, does toddler yoga, plays and then has his 10 minute tv for story time. We’ve let our toddler pick one story whilst in bed which we read to him and then it’s bed time.

Our toddler usually is awake but quiet in his room. I don’t mind what he does honestly - reads or plays with toys (he doesn’t play with toys though, he just lays in bed). As long as he’s quiet and stays in his room. We have no wake ups during the night.

His official bedtime seems quite late? Ours is 7pm. 7pm, he’s upstairs and he will be woken up at 8am if he’s not already awake.
 
@paker You need to be in charge, not your toddler.

If he’s quiet and fidgetting in bed that isn’t that bad in my opinion.

It sounds like he could be having night terrors. Talk to the doctor. When he wakes up and staring he probably isn’t actually awake.

Waking up at the same time in the morning might actually be a good thing. When you wake up at the same time every day the sleep you do get is more efficient because your body/brain knows how long there is until it’s time to wake.
 
@paker Lots of good advice here already (boundaries are tough but SO important!), one other thing I'll suggest is getting his iron/ferritin checked. My daughter was having a tough time falling asleep and when she woke in the night, took hours to fall back asleep. Her ferritin (indicative of how much iron the body stores) was on the very low end of normal so her pediatrician suggested 2 months of supplementation. She was sleeping better within a week.
 
@paker Your kid is used to being rewarded for bad behavior. It’s ok for sweets occasionally but not every single day. New desserts should be fruit instead of ice cream and such. Lots of healthier options then cookies and such. Get him involved in making fruit popsicles and things.

You need to mentally prepare for battle. Lol Seriously, prepare yourself for a really crappy week or two. You and your partner need to be on the same page. Discuss how you want to handle the tantrums and stick to them. Let them throw a tantrum but tell him he needs to do it in the corner or in his room. Tell him when he’s done you’ll be happy to talk or cuddle with him. Or set a timer and tell him he can throw a tantrum for 2 minutes. Some of this may be trial and error to see what works. But the more you give in to his “demands” the more he thinks he’s in charge. He’s learned that by throwing a tantrum he gets whatever he wants and you have to take back control because that’s what’s best for him.

You’re not a bad parent for letting your kid cry. Raising good human beings is really tough work.

Maybe move teeth brushing to just before books and bed. But him saying he’s hungry is again a way for him to show he’s in charge and he’s not. He may be hungry but you need to ask yourself if you’re giving him enough food through the day. If the answer is yes, then he doesn’t need anything. He’s far to used to being told yes at every corner.

As for the nighttime does he sleep with you? If so put him in his own bed. We do red, yellow, green with our sound machine/night light. Red means stay in bed, yellow you can get up and play (quietly and independently), green means go and my kiddo can yell for daddy or I if we haven’t come to get her yet. We also have a child safety door handle on the inside of her room so she can’t get out (pediatrician approved, it’s safer than her roaming the house on her own while we’re asleep).

You’ve got this. Just remember your child doesn’t know what’s best for him but you do. He may not like it but you’ll all be happier when the adults are in charge and running the show.
 
@paker I disagree with the comments about sugar and screen time being too energizing.

I do think your child has way too much power in this relationship. If my kid doesn't come to dinner to eat, they don't eat until snack time before bed. There isn't any begging or pleading about it. I also feel you have put sweets on a pedestal of sorts and that they are special. Food is food, some nourish our body and some don't. Instead of dessert being a separate special thing, a small portion with meals is what's recommended to reduce kids getting obsessed over it.

Are you staying in the room while kid tries to fall asleep? I personally don't understand the value this adds. Read story, sing song, leave room. Enjoy your evening. Making big changes will cause your toddler to have enormous meltdowns but will be so beneficial in the end. Kids need strong boundaries set by parents and at first it's hard but in the end it will be so much better.
 
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