My son is failing miserably in school

[getlostinthewild]

My son (15) is failing 4 out of 7 of his freshman year classes. One of those classes is a study hall and all he has to do to get 100% is show up. The other two classes are band and gym, and he has a B and a C respectively in those classes. The other 4 classes, he has a 17%, 37%, 47%, and 53%. I’m at my wits end on this. He’s on a 504 plan for ADHD. I’ve tried everything, and Covid seems to be the ever-convenient excuse to just pass the kid through the grades without a care in the world. He flunked 7th and 8th grade. I was in constant contact with his principle in 8th grade. We put him in an extra study hall, we required him to go to school early and/or stay late. They’ve given him detention until his grades were up, which just resulted in him being in detention always, and as a result, he just ended up enjoying his time spent with detention teacher. So then we (the principle and I) required him to go to his teacher’s classes instead and having them sign off on him being there so we could keep track of him.

I’ve offered to PAY him for passing grades (passing grades, mind you, not good grades). We’ve taken away things (his phone, bike, longboard, skateboard, time with friends, gaming systems, etc.). It truly does not matter what we do. The year 2020 I can understand, but schools had a plan by the 2020/2021 school year. He didn’t pass. He flunked every single one of his core classes (I’m talking 30-40% in those classes. They didn’t have summer school for anyone but high schoolers, so since he wasn’t in high school, there was nothing, and they didn’t hold him back either.

Now we’re in exactly the same boat for the THIRD year in a row. 95% of his school work is on a school-furnished laptop computer. YouTube and other websites are not blocked, so it’s me and his other teachers managing his screens, which requires us to basically catch him on the wrong screen before he has a chance to click off of it. I’ve asked for an IEP. I think he needs paper assignments and a baby sitter. But I’ve been given the run-around “well, we’re not there yet.” And I’m told his “Smarter Balance scores are at ‘basic’ level, so he’s clearly not grade level and is struggling, but they’re not low enough of scores for him to be tested for anything.”

To me, as his mother, I feel like it’s 50% a motivation/giving up problem, and 50% needs lots of extra help problem. My significant other is 100% against me homeschooling him, plus I don’t feel like I can homeschool him for every subject. And the school system isn’t very helpful either.

Please, advice is welcomed and needed!

EDIT: though he sounds like an all-around rough kid, he’s really not. He’s really smart and motivated to learn about things he WANTS to learn about. He’s kind, sociable with adults and kids alike.

All I know is that I’m exhausted with fighting with him. And he’s exhausted by my constant checking up on him. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I just want him to graduate and be successful in life. I don’t care if he goes to college. I think he’ll eventually do really great in a trade. He’s an extremely hard worker when put to a physical task. He enjoys being helpful that way. But he can’t read/write worth shit, and I’m really afraid for him.

 

[brad4god]

@getlostinthewild I’d suggest you take a step back and evaluate if all stress you’re going through as a family is worthwhile for a HS diploma. A piece of paper that doesn’t guarantee anything to anyone.

All of these punishments are just showing him that he’s not the person that you want him to be. That hurts. With ADHD, his brain is perhaps unable to perform the way it needs to perform.

Maybe you’ll find that the most important thing is that he’s happy and engaged in life, even if he doesn’t achieve what you expected (and what you know to be his potential).

I’d consider cutting a deal with him to allow him to drop off school and find a job instead. Try it out for one year and re-evaluate.

A friend of mine had a kid like this. Abysmal performance at school. At 16, after years of fights and aggravation, he agreed to let his kid drop out and get a job. The kid started to mow the lawn in the neighborhood and get some change. That led to a better lawnmower, which led to a truck as her radius expanded, which then led to gardening and landscaping courses, which led to multiple employees in multiple trucks and multiple lawnmowers. The kid is now on her 30s and my friend tells me the kid never asked for a dollar after dropping out of HS and, all those years, landscaped my friend’s garden by herself and for free “to pay for all the years of free boarding”.

There’s life outside HS.

Good luck.

 

[daramantus]

@brad4god I agree with this and wanted to add thinking about medication and therapy. He is doing the best he can but he keeps hearing that it's not good enough. Poor kid has to have a terrible self image by now!

 

[0ice0]

@brad4god With ADHD, his brain is perhaps unable to perform the way it needs to perform.

It performs well enough on his phone or playstation though doesnt it, im sick of the ADHD excuse.

 

[dcjh]

@getlostinthewild I hate to say this, but I don't have much advice. My kid was the same way - we dragged him through high school. He didn't succeed, but he did graduate.

We're a few years out now, and I'd ask him how he feels - but he's at his full-time, 8-4, union job. Manual work, where he's busy all day, and gets to use his strengths (which are people skills, and literal physical strength). He hated high school. He can vocalize it now in ways he couldn't then - sitting in a building all day, feeling stupid, knowing that very little of what he learned was going to be applicable to his daily life - he hated it. It made him feel worse. But now, he's really happy.

I hope your kid finds his happy soon, too.

 

[flickabee]

@dcjh This comment is inspiring. Is he at home? If not, how did he find a FT job that pays enough to be comfortably independent without some vocational school or degree?

 

[dcjh]

@flickabee He's at home. He has tentative plans to move out with a friend at some point - we'll be a safety net for him.

Some union jobs are highly skilled, some aren't. He's in a warehouse, moving boxes all day. He's unflinchingly polite, and incredibly kind. That really helps.

 

[lightofaquarius]

@getlostinthewild I'm a teacher and a parent of a difficult child. Mine also has a 504 and ADHD and they are also gifted. Last year, we sat down with this child and laid out possible plans for the future. Basically a cause and effect sequence of choices they will have to make. Mine is a senior this year. We said:" If you graduate high school, you can choose to go to college, you can choose to join the military, or you can choose to find a full time job and work. You will not be living here and doing nothing." Basically this child failed a Spanish class needed to graduate this year and has to take it independent study through the community college to graduate, My husband and I simply left it up to the child. Your kid is still only 15 and needs to take charge of his own life. Back off and let him fail but seriously sit down and have the kind of discussion that he will need to take charge of his own life. There are also other schools out there own the world that might be a better fit for him - look for trade based high schools. Maybe research first and focus on his future AFTER high school and then give him options.

 

[slybelvedere]

@getlostinthewild This has been going on for 3 years and it seems clear that external motivations and punishments aren’t working, and aren’t ever going to.

Your SO is against homeschooling, and you have the idea that homeschooling is supposed to be about the mom monitoring the child and making sure he is studying the same subjects and doing the same workload he would be doing if he were attending school.

Your child is learning that he’s a failure. That’s all he’s getting from school.

He’s very intelligent and probably gifted and imagine what he could if he was allowed to do nothing but follow his own interests. It’s a challenging road, doing that, very scary for parents, understandably. The typical path children take - going to school, going to college, getting hired into some corporation or agency, having a family, retiring with a pension - isn’t YOUR child’s path. It just isn’t.

If it was my kid, I’d de-school for a year, then radical unschool. He’s going to need at least a year to recover from his school experiences.

Homeschooling doesn’t have to look like what you imagine it looks like. There should be groups and teen groups and possibly parent partnership programs in your area that you can at least start looking at and educating yourself about.

But most importantly, talk with him about the various kinds of schooling, and ask him what he thinks the perfect education plan would look like for him. Make sure whatever you do, he wants to do it.

 

[getlostinthewild]

@slybelvedere I don’t actually have the idea that the workload would be the same in homeschooling vs high school. For one, I would pitch freshman orientation. It’s a garbage class that is just a bunch of busywork and keeps him from doing his other work. He wouldn’t have ARC (academic resource class) either because every other class he could capitalize on his time there and wouldn’t need it. His reading and written communications are terrible, so I think he NEEDS reading, writing, and arithmetic, but he doesn’t NEED geography, though I do think it would be a good class. And when I did pull him out to homeschool him just before Covid, I was having him read a bunch of history anyway, just not in textbook form. He read adolescent age novels: The Boys Who Challenged Hitler, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, etc.

I know he’s learning that he’s a failure. That exactly my point. I’m also 9 months pregnant, so my emotional energy is going to be divided here pretty shortly between two drastically different aged sons. I’m in the US, and in a state in particular that he can’t just drop out of school…I think until 18? My SO is against homeschooling, and so is my son’s bio dad. I have to have support by them. Trust me, I know. I’ve been down this road with both dads before. So my son is kind of bound by pretty set parameters. You did give me some ideas though. Maybe I can get him in some technical classes. He wants to be a mechanic, but the school doesn’t offer tech classes until junior year, but maybe I can be pushy and insist. Who the heck knows? I’m going to think on it.

 

[ckg2011]

@getlostinthewild wow, it sounds like a very difficult situation. My wife is the oldest of 7 kids. Her 2nd youngest bro is 15. He is similar to what you describe except he is homeschooled. He wants to drive soon but his parents don't trust him to srive their car & won't teach him. I got an old rusty car & told him if he helps we repair it, I will teach him to drive in it. He has completely changed, he is happier having accomplished difficult work & reaped the results by driving in it. He has learned confidence by me allowing him to screw up & let him struggle to figure out the correct way to do a task.
Perhaps you can find something that interests him & teach him that. There is so much information now you can learn together. Programming, 3D modeling for games, any trades (welding, electronics, electrician, carpentry)
I think the point of school really, is for the student to learn how to learn. If the school isn't doing it, then it is up to you. I think punishment isn't the way to go. It doesn't teach him anything, and ultimately that is what you want. You want him to learn; not just "perform." I would probably take the time to teach him something yourself outside of school. Maybe you cant "homeschool" him completely, but you can partially. Tell him it is a new curriculum the school has allowed you try, if you need to.
I think of like, when he was a baby, he sat on your lap while you read him stories, yeah? You taught him how to speak, how to walk, how to pp in the toilet. If you teach him something outside of school & you are patient & loving he will gain so much confidence from your interaction & it could possibly extend to other parts of his life. I hope this helps. Goodluck OP.

 

[dirknolan]

@getlostinthewild I. am. in. the. same. boat. Just started him on Focalin. I've come to terms that my kid will just end up working a gas station job.

 

[mm17162646]

@getlostinthewild I'm having the same problem with my daughter. She just started high school, going to public schools after being in private all of her life (where she did really good actually) and now that shes in high school she is failing 4 out of 6 classes, the 2 she is passing arent very good. She's a very smart kid and wants to do the work and aspires to be a lawyer someday, so she is definitely trying. But still failing. Idk what to do to help her. But trying, and won't stop trying until we figure it out! Hope you find a way to help your son sooner rather than later when it will be too late. Good Luck!!

 

[arthur57]

@getlostinthewild Is he on medication?

 

[getlostinthewild]

@arthur57 He is. I finally got support from bio dad for him to take it, even though he’s been diagnosed for 4 years now. I do however think he needs a stronger dose, which of course his dad is against, so now I’m working on getting him to agree to the stronger dose. Right now he’s 170# and on only 20mg extended release Adderall. I think he needs at least 30mg…

 

[seeker24]

@getlostinthewild If adderall is not working for him, and I agree with you on what his dosage needs to be for his weight, he may need to be switched to another med. This was absolutely my husband, but he refused to take his meds. He's extremely smart but appeared very dumb in school. Back then they only had Ritalin. He hates reading books but his reading comprehension and written expression is amazing. Math genius. He works in cyber security now. He also, at age 51, is heavily reliant on his adderall. Your son also sounds like my 15yo daughter whom has been homeschooled up until this year. I can assure you it will be difficult to homeschool him especially on top of caring for an infant. Been there failed that! It is also incredibly difficult for adhders to work well with online school. If he's got a plan at school the school is absolutely failing him. Have you considered a private school? I know it's not always feasible but some have scholarships. There was one by us we were looking into that seemed to cater to the learning styles of kids with adhd, but of course they are a religious school...but really laid back. Ultimately my kid was able to get into the arts school she wanted to but is getting bad grades for not turning in work (because it needs to be done online which is an extra step) and because she's not asking for help. She's already been diagnosed with adhd by her therapist, now we just have to wait for the appointments for the psychiatrist so she can start meds.

 

[katrina2017]

@getlostinthewild My daughter (17) could focus better with school when she got a service industry job. Ironically more on her plate made it easier to motivate her. Plus she loves money that she has earned. I don’t give her an allowance and she has saved thousands!

 

[aldosb]

@getlostinthewild Been through this. Sounds very similar and I don't want you to make the same mistakes I made.

1. Get him in an IEP. Even if it is Emotional disturbance or learning disability. He will get much more support. Get an educational lawyer to push if you need it.
2. Get the book "He's not lazy" by Adam Price. Read it or listen to it.
3. Find a good psychologist and psychiatrist. It will be incredibly frustrating!!!! The psychiatrist can be remote, but you need a counselor to see him in person and get rapport. If the school provides one through the IEP, better.
4. Feed his positives but let him experience his own failures. This will be the hardest thing. Whether he graduates or not, he needs to learn this lesson.

It sucks and it will get WORSE with puberty. So, right now, you have to seek ALL THE SUPPORT YOU CAN GET.

MSG me if you need details.

 

[hef]

@getlostinthewild The thing that really stands out to me about your post is this: I'm hearing a lot of value being placed on your son's academics and grades. I'm not hearing much at all about his value as an individual. I hear your frustration, but I'm also hearing a lot of "Why won't HE do better to make ME feel better?" as though your happiness and peace of mind depend on the academic success of a CHILD. Don't project that onto your son. Instead, try taking a step back from the situation and asking yourself which of YOUR needs will be met after he's met your expectations.

 

[getlostinthewild]

@hef I’m not exactly sure what you’re implying. I’m not asking for straight As. I want him to simply turn in assignments. If he doesn’t get the best of grades, so be it. At least he’s turning them in. I don’t have a ton of support about what to do to get him to pass from his school, his bio dad, or my SO. Just “he has to figure it out. He has to graduate.”