Mothers discuss the challenge of talking about child sexual abuse prevention within the family and community

[lilyb2008]

A recent piece of research demonstrated that mothers needed to take four steps to get to the point where they were able to take action to reduce risks:

1. Increasing understanding about abuse, how and where it happens.
2. Accepting the possibility of abuse at home and in the family.
3. Accurately assessing the risks posed to one’s own children.
4. Lowering known risks by negotiating with family members.

Importantly, mothers faced challenges they needed to overcome to take each step. Some were able to overcome those challenges, and some were not.

Here are some of the things mothers said:

“I knew child sexual abuse could happen, and I had heard stories of it happening. I believed it could happen, but I didn’t want to believe it could happen. I didn’t want to put it in my head; you don’t want to believe it could happen to you.”

“My brother is allowed to bring friends into the house, but not when he is looking after my children. I told him directly that I was forbidding him from bringing his friends over because I don’t want anyone to sexually abuse my children; and that if he was distracted, e.g. making food or on the toilet, anything could happen. He tells me I am paranoid and that I am sick in the head. I tell him that it’s a cruel world out there.”

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/media/1547/four-steps-to-the-prevention-of-csa-in-the-home.pdf

I'd be interested to hear from mothers or fathers about their own experiences when they have been concerned to make the environment safer for their children, whether at home or in spaces and places where their children play and stay. Have you ever wanted to broach the topic of sexual abuse prevention and safety? How easy was it to have that discussion? What was the outcome?

 

[katrina2017]

@lilyb2008 I have outright asked a few key family members about whether they have had thoughts that may be problematic, including my husband.

I am aware that virtually anyone in that situation would say no, even if it's not the truth, but I remind them that I would not be doing my duty as a parent if I didn't at least ask.

At the very least, they are aware that I am watching.

My daughter is 3 now and I think she is old enough to start teaching about what is and is not appropriate for other people to do with her, but she is still very sweet and trusting.

I certainly would not be comfortable with the people I have trusted to watch her, leaving her unattended with anyone unapproved. I would request my sister-in-law not bring over her friends and new beau's if she was watching her.

 

[lilyb2008]

@katrina2017 Very interesting.

It seems that you have the emotional and mental resource to be able to cope with and boundary what is in essence an uncomfortable conversation.

My experience of reading and talking to people about this issue, is that it is quite often prior experiences which lead to mothers taking a more sceptical view of what possibly might happen would they leave their children with family members, people in a position of trust and friends (see for example this comment made on another reddit group on the same topic).

In the project we did with mothers personal accounts of being sexually harassed by men in one case resulted with the mother not wanting her daughter to have any contact with adult men.

In another project a worker once told me about a group of women who she had delivered a preventative workshop too, several of whom approached her at the end to explain that they had all been subject to sexual abuse as children, from men within the community, which meant that as a result, they didn't trust any men in their community (even their husbands). What this suggested is that in some families or local communities the sexual abuse of children is accepted and in some cases expected by the male (and even female) members. Being bought up in this type of family or community could, understandably, change your perceptions of where to draw the line in terms of who to leave your child with. This would be difficult to understand if you had not had the same experiences.

This also mirrors research that reports that the experience of being abused or knowing that one’s child has been abused can prompt mothers to re-assess risks and to heighten their distrust of adults and potential male partners.

See https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/media/1547/four-steps-to-the-prevention-of-csa-in-the-home.pdf for more detail (p28)

 

[emeline]

@lilyb2008 I was uncomfortable with the way a few family members wete touching my newborn son, as if he were a doll, squishing his thighs and holding him when he was trying to get away. I asked them to treat him with more respect, as if he were a fully aware adult person, and make eye contact to be sure he wants to be held. I also asked that he only be touched for necessary tings like diaper changes but to otherwise let him play and let him approach them.

 

[lilyb2008]

@emeline Very interesting.

Was the touching something that you felt was an issue in its own right? That is to say, did you feel that the issue was purely one of respecting the right of your son to have his choice about being touched respected?

Or did you feel that your request, if respected by family members, was in some ways going to also help lower the risks of sexual abuse?

I'd also be interested to know how your family members responded to your request? Did they respect it? Did the conversation affect your relationships with family members?

 

[emeline]

@lilyb2008 I think sexual abuse is not always done with malicious intent. I think some people actually do see children as dolls or toys, or like puppies, and they think there's no harm in touching however they want to touch. Meanwhile the child is being touched inappropriately. I think the molester sees a giggling child when they tickle him, and it encourages them to keep tickling. Children, even babies, have sexual organs that feel pleasure, but we as adults should not be stimulating them even when they enjoy it. It's still abuse even if they don't process it as abuse when they are so young. It causes real damage later on in their adult sexual life and in how the kids learn to treat others sexually.

When I brought it up I simply said that we were trying to be more respectful toward him and outlined exactly what is ok and not ok. I didn't bring up the incident that bothered me and I didn't make any accusations. I made it about the baby, not the other family members. They do interact with him now with more respect, and I'm sure they meant no harm before. I don't think they are aware that it had bothered me so much. Anyway our relationships are fine, aside from my fleeting suspicions about their intentions.

 

[twinkle2304]

@lilyb2008 when i express fears about thibgs no one agrees with me about or doesnt recognise, they call me sick in the head too.

but i musta done something right as my daughter has never been abused.

or.. since i had problems personally growing up, i was much more aware and non trusting. any dude, any man, whoever they wete. everyone was a potential threat and made sure my daughter knew it too while she was growing up. we talked all the time.

i trust no man, and i trust no dog. sorry. not sorry.

 

[lilyb2008]

@twinkle2304 Many thanks for sharing your experiences.

It can be the case that previous experiences can shape how we perceive present risks of sexual abuse. When mothers have experienced sexual abuse or harassment themselves this can lead them to conclude that one can never be sure that someone doesn't pose a risk (which is not the same thing as being sure that they do pose a risk).

For example one mother in the study explained how when she was younger men would press themselves up against her breasts while saying hello to her. She explained that this experience informed her decision not to let her daughter have any contact with adult men. This mirrors other research that reports that the experience of being abused or knowing that one’s child has been abused can prompt mothers to re-assess risks and to heighten their distrust of adults and potential male partners.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/media/1547/four-steps-to-the-prevention-of-csa-in-the-home.pdf (see p28)

Be interested to know did all friends and family members think you were 'sick in the head' for your views that all men represented a potential threat?

When people called you 'sick in the head' how did you feel and how did you respond to such comments?

 

[twinkle2304]

@lilyb2008 i dont recall them ever saying to my face that my paranoia and hyper vigilance was because i was sick in the head, they told my daughter this behind my back.

i actually dont care that they think this. being sick in the head protected her, and educated her to the dangers. eventually her experiences proved me to be exactly right so. better then keeping your head in the sand and 'allowing' (for lack if a better term) things to happen.

i bet being a parent to a boy is very different tho. less risk. i had a little girl. i had to talk about this kind of thing all the time about everyone. fathers of her friends, strangers on the street, teachers, casual acquaintances, coaches, community leaders. basically every man and boy.

 

[cbatchman0405]

@lilyb2008 I have talked to my son who is three at least since he was 2.5. I talked to him about what private parts are and that no one can touch or ask to see his. Or that no one should ever ask him to touch or see theirs. That goes for your mouth and other peoples mouths as well. “It’s only ok when you are in the bath. I will help clean if you want me to. Also if the doctor needs to see you to be sure you’re healthy it’s ok then too but never any other time.” I have spoken to anyone in contact with him about how we have talked to him about his privates and we use their correct names. This is so everyone knows we are aware and paying attention and having talks about it and hopefully this makes him less attractive as a victim. I also don’t allow him to be alone with any men. I know women can do it too but it’s way less likely. He’s only ever alone with his father and grandmother.

Edit to add that my step dad sexually abused my sister for years. I was always around and knew something was up but was too young to know what. I am very aware it can be the most innocent seeming person. I don’t give a crap who you are I don’t trust you. And you can never take that away once it happens. People can say I’m paranoid but when I’ve read that 1 in 6 boys will be sexually assaulted then I am gonna be paranoid till the cows come home and they can all go to hell. That’s my baby and I don’t wanna be going to jail for murder. My mother in laws husband gives me the same feeling my step dad does. He’s very sweet but something just don’t feel right about him.

 

[lilyb2008]

@cbatchman0405 Thanks for your response. Do you think that your experience of your sister being sexually abused has made you more alert of the possible risks to your own son and more prepared to take action to lower those risks? My feeling, from reading through people's accounts is that previous experience of sexual abuse seems to heighten the sense of risk that people feel for their own children.

 

[cbatchman0405]

@lilyb2008 I absolutely think this is true. I probably would have come to the same feelings just by reading stuff on social media and finding out how common it is. But having it happen right in front of me has put it in my radar for sure.