Miscarriage - feel like a failure (not advocating for her enough)

[forainer]

Hi all,

Wife is going through miscarriage, we would be 11 weeks today but turns out pregnancy stopped developing at 5-6 weeks. Had scans last week and this and absolutely nothing has happened (she’s had some cramps and bleeding but less than a period).

Having done the research on management options she’d landed on surgical management over medical - we have a toddler and can’t keep him away for however long it lasts, whereas surgery is in and done.

In the hospital she was told by the nurse that that’s a stupid choice (in slightly more polite but equally denigrating manner), why would she choose that, the pregnancy is virtually non-existent, it’ll pass easily, surgery more risky (mentioned perforation lots of times whilst wincing), how it was extremely abnormal etc. She’d got herself mentally prepared for surgery and was ok with the risk levels.

In the room I tried to ask the right questions, discuss with my wife, let her make the decisions about her body whilst empowering her with information. However, we both feel we were pushed by this nurse into taking the medical option, and the more I read the more I feel she has downplayed the risk of medical management not working, said it should be over in 4hours, and overplayed the surgery risks.

We’re now 5 hours in, having arranged childcare for the day, absolutely nothing has happened, she’s upset that if she’d stuck to her guns she could be in recovery after the surgery, but is now still waiting for any bleeding to even start.

I can’t help feeling that I’ve failed to advocate properly for her, and allowed for her to be strong armed into something she had researched and said no to. Anybody been in this situation or have any words of advice? Or been in the position of pushing for a change of approach. Mentally my wife really needs closure so that she can mourn properly and start to heal psychologically- knowing she’s been carrying a dead fetus that her body won’t release, for a whole month must be really hard.

Uk, NHS by the way so changing provider not an option and can’t afford private!

 

[sevenhundredseventyseven]

@forainer First off, sending good vibes to you and your wife. Sorry you all are going through this. Currently at 10.5 weeks with my wife and there is constant low-level terror something will go wrong.

Really upset with how that nurse treated you both. The nurse's job was to provide you the options and the benefits and risks of each option, not judgment. You had very good reasons for preferring the "riskier" option. Please don't beat yourself up about what you did or didn't do. We depend on medical professionals to guide us through this vulnerable experience, especially when things go awry, so it's natural to take their advice, even when it doesn't sit right with us. In the end, the outcome will be the same, so all what you'll be left with from this experience is the knowledge of how you want to handle these interactions in the future, and I bet you'll be a great advocate for yourself and your wife going forward.

 

[forainer]

@sevenhundredseventyseven Thank you - all the best to you guys and hope all goes smoothly for you!

Our first was pretty smooth sailing, except at the end as he was breech and never turned so needed c-section.

Agree with you that it feels natural to take the advice given by the professionals- and it’s very hard to push back on that. All the others we had experienced so far were so lovely and supportive, explained the options and didn’t recommend/discourage. The sonographer was the nicest person ever. Just this final nurse pushing pills and her viewpoint has clouded the whole thing. Will try to be more confident in future to ask if there’s anyone else we can speak to as well, but that is difficult.

 

[kayjeanbaptiste]

@forainer My dude it's SO hard the first time you go through this to know what's right.

We were given all the choices (let it happen naturally, use the pills, or get the DNC) and without anyone pushing us in one direction we chose natural because that seemed the most, I don't know, normal? If we had known how easy and straightforward the DNC was (she ended up needing it when the pills didn't work) we would have chosen it immediately, and we DID choose it the second and third time we miscarried. But to say you've let down your wife when the people you are supposed to trust, the medical professionals, are telling you one thing and making one option seem really negative, that's only natural.

Don't beat yourselves up, but you might still need a DNC in the end and if that happens don't fear, it was (at least for my wife) an incredibly quick and painless procedure each time it was done.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Hang in there, we have two perfect boys after all the heartbreak we went through, it will happen for you too so you can give your little one a sibling!

 

[forainer]

@kayjeanbaptiste Thanks - yeah everything you’ve said about the D&C resonates with what we had concluded too and had opted for as a preference, before being pushed towards medical management. Cynic in me says it’s because the pills are only like 20p each.

At the moment this is all-consuming. With you guys, how long did they give it to conclude the pills weren’t working before going to D&C?

We were told that with the size of pregnancy the D&C is a much higher risk than if it was further along, 8-9 weeks. Can’t find anything to support that.

 

[kayjeanbaptiste]

@forainer This was 7 years ago so I can't do for sure. We waited at least a few weeks to try to pass it naturally, then the pills and I think when they confirmed it hadn't worked out was another week before the surgery.

 

[forainer]

@kayjeanbaptiste Update - 2 rounds of Miso did nothing, in for DnC next week, she’s now really worried about complications as they’ve warned several times about it being higher risk due to small size of the sac. This really is a shit time

 

[redrose1]

@forainer My heart goes out to you mate. During our baby's birth we had a nurse that was pretty shitty and despite trying to advocate and support my wife it still had its bad moments and I felt kinda bad after the fact.

But the reality is you did the best you could. Healthcare is shit and we non-medical people only know so much and try to put our trust is the people providing us care.

If you think you guys should shift to the other option I would say ask and if the nurse is a bee- ask to speak to the charge nurse.

You are doing a good job its just a real shit situation- a shituation

 

[nafis4268]

@forainer I'm so sorry this was your experience, just know this is not your fault, you should be able to trust the advice of medical professionals caring for you, and you were not wrong for doing so.

You'd be justified in complaining if you wanted to, you could search for PALS (Patient Advice and Liason Service) in your location and email them. I have done this before due to a different issue and I found that it gave me some closure. You don't need to make it a formal complaint if you'd rather not, you can just give them feedback so they can retrain their staff so in future they don't put pressure on patients in this way.

I have also experienced miscarriage so my heart goes out to you. Look after each other and take it one day at a time.

 

[georgia01]

@forainer Man I'm so sorry, my Wife and I went through the same thing last year with our first pregnancy. It's soul crushing going into that appointment thinking everything is all grand and then getting that awful news that there's no heartbeat. Don't beat yourself up though, that's a huge decision to make under the worst circumstances. Nobody is thinking like their normal selves. At this point the decisions already been made and you guys are in it. Just gotta ride it out and be there as much as you can for her because it's going to be a rough time.

I really hate to tell you this, but our experience going the medical route it took like 4 or 5 days for her to miscarry. I hope this is not the case with you, but be prepared it can take longer than they tell you.

I hope the best for you guys and am sending love. Just know you're not alone. 1 in 4 pregnancies end is miscarriage, most of the time due to no one's fault but just random bad luck of the draw with DNA. You guys will get through it, stay strong for her, and take care of yourself too. Don't be afraid to ask for support. You can even message me if you'd like if you ever need an ear.

 

[believing2015]

@forainer I am so sorry you went through that. I would not beat yourself up. It sounds like the nurse was more pushy than she had any right to be. During our first miscarriage, my partner was afraid of interventions and we let it happen naturally. It took a couple of weeks before things happened. Then it was an awful few hours. When we had a second miscarriage, she unquestioningly opted for a D&C. Our doctor was fully supportive and I believe we would opt for this option again if we ever have another miscarriage.

 

[forainer]

@believing2015 Thanks - ended up with 2 rounds of Miso which did absolute nothing, now getting the surgery next week. She’s really worried about the risk of scarring, puncturing etc now, after all the warnings she got of how it’s a riskier procedure, harder to find such a small sac, so really hard to keep her positive. I just feel so useless just now.

 

[jesusrestoresministries]

@forainer We had a miscarriage scare a month or two in and the intake nurse at the ER was more interested in lecturing my Wife on not getting the covid vaccine while pregnant if it turned out that she didn’t have a miscarriage (turned out to be an internal hematoma).

Nurses a special people and have a lot of responsibility but they are also human and like humans some will push their own agendas without considering that they are overstepping.

 

[kz2011]

@forainer So sorry that you were pushed into something like that when you’re clearly in a very vulnerable place. I had a similar experience with my first miscarriage but with a doula. Baby stopped developing at 6 weeks but I didn’t find out until 10 weeks. Then, nothing happened. Here in Hungary, medical management isn’t available so my choices were ‘wait and see’ or DNC. I waited one week then decided to get the DNC. The doula who I’d contacted earlier in the pregnancy was sending me pushy messages about letting my body do its work and trying to persuade me to wait longer. I just stopped responding in the end because I don’t want to have to explain myself. I can imagine in your situation I would have done the same thing though. It’s harder to stay firm in your choice when face to face and especially when it’s a medical professional. You have every right to be angry about this. Their job is to ensure that you have all the information so you can make a choice. I agree that you should complain.

I had a second miscarriage which I did manage at home, but that was very different as there was no waiting. I don’t think people understand how horrendous the waiting is. I hope things progress for her soon.

 

[kz2011]

Also it sounds like you’re doing the very best you can for her. If she does end up with bad cramps, a hot water bottle or heat pad would be much appreciated i’m sure. There probably isn’t much else you can do to help other than listening to her.