Mentally struggling not being able to hold my baby

[thelearner92]

I had my baby via c section at 33 weeks n 2 days. She was 4lbs And is very healthy they said I'll be able to hold here in 2 to 4 days. I'm struggling so hard I cry every night, I just wanna be able to hold my baby. I got a c section 24 hours ago and I've only spent a total of 3 to 4 hours with her, I feel so guilty like I should be there but I need to be laying down. I'm breaking down I just wanna hold my baby n be next to her more. How can I cope?

 

[enriquegill012]

@thelearner92 I’m so sorry. You’re in the thick of it right now. My baby was born at 26 weeks with major surgery on her needed right afterwards. I had a c section. The first few days were a haze and I could not spend a lot of time in the nicu with her. A few hours here and there like you. But I healed and gained my strength back and you will too.

It was a week until I could hold her and there’s no getting around how much it sucks to not be able to hold your baby right away. I’m sorry and I feel your pain. In the meantime here are some things I did to cope:

-If you’re pumping, ask the nurses if you can do oral care with your colostrum.

-Ask if the nicu has scent cloths for you to use. You wear them for a bit to pick up your scent and then place them in your babies crib.

-Do containment holding or “hand hug” which is where you place your hand on your child in certain spots that are very calming to them.

https://bloominglittles.com/one-thing-i-teach-every-nicu-parent-to-do-with-their-baby-a-hand-hug/

-a reframe I had to adopt about my experience was that my baby wasn’t done growing yet. She may not be in my stomach anymore but she definitely can’t be in my arms right now. I sort of looked at her isolette like a womb. She’s still gestating, just with help from modern medicine. It was the only line of thought that kept me from burning the whole place down and running away with my baby tucked under my coat.

In other words, of course you are hurting, who wouldn’t be? But you will make up for this lost time. You will hold her—hopefully skin to skin— and it will be all the more special.

I really liked reading dearnicumama.com where nicu moms write open letters of encouragement.

 

[mbeezo]

@enriquegill012 Just piggy backing on all of this! I'm only on day 15 of our long nicu stay but I didn't get to hold my sweet girl until a week after her birth. Everything you suggested is exactly what our nicu nurses suggested/allowed me to do! Scent cloths are amazing, my husband and I both wear one and replace them every day.

I also started listening to the dear nicu mama podcast on my drive home every night!

 

[rawo]

@thelearner92 The first few days are some the of the hardest and scariest you will go through; the separation--especially after a c-section--is incredibly hard. Also, your body is going through a huge hormonal shift and that is contributing to the added emotions of the situation. So definitely give yourself grace here. I think your reaction is normal and valid in this situation. 3-4 hours was about all I had with my little one (if that) when he was first born, so try not to be hard on yourself about it. The doctors and nurses don't expect you to be with your little one very much yet; you are recovering from a major surgery and life event! I remember these feelings well and I really feel for you.

One thing that helped me a lot the first couple of days was having my husband take photos when he would see our son in the NICU and send me little text updates, of even minor details. He was on CPAP for his first week, and I felt terrible having only briefly seen his face in the operating room, and then he was on CPAP and in his isolette when they wheeled him by me in the recovery room. It felt so strange that he was my baby and yet, I didn't really know what he looked like; I couldn't picture him yet! So the photos really helped me build connection. I remember feeling scared and shy when I would go to see him those first few days. I was scared to stay very long because I didn't know what I should be doing when I couldn't hold him for the first 3 days. But those feelings went away as the nurses showed me how to get involved with his care and I became more confident around him. (I'm someone who had very little experience around babies prior to having him.)

Another thing that can help is to call and speak with your baby's nurse(s) a few times a day for updates. Another helpful component that your nurses may assist you with is some sort of scent cloth. Our NICU had little blankets that they would give to mom to wear for a few hours, and then these blankets would be placed on the baby or adjacent to their body in their isolette.

Another way I found to cope was putting my energy into pumping. Obviously, every body is different and it is your choice how you choose to feed your baby, but if pumping and/or breastfeeding is something you hope to do with/for your little one, now is the time to get established with it as it can be awhile before you can breastfeed in the NICU (not too long, though; bottle-feeding will be right around the corner! ). Pumping really helped me focus my energy and gave me a shred of purpose when everything else was really upsetting and out of my control. It's also handy to work on it while you have easier access to lactation consultants in the hospital (though there are usually some available in the NICU, too).

Lastly, remember you are #1 right now. Your baby is in the NICU and is being well cared for, as hard as that feels right now. Get your rest when you can, accept pain meds when you need them (you do not have to be in pain), get up and gently walk as much as you are able/feel up for it (walking really helped me heal faster, IMO), eat and stay hydrated. You will feel more like yourself each day that passes, and it will be a blink and you will be holding your baby. I hope your NICU stay is uneventful and short!

 

[sirsteve]

@rawo I also delivered by emergency C section at 29+5. (And immediately after my baby was loaded in an ambulance, I followed a couple of hours later.) All of this resonates with me! I vividly remember that overwhelming sense of wrongness, he should not be in an incubator but in my belly; and if he can’t be in my belly at least I should be with him. That does wear off a little in time is my experience. I was able to do kangaroo care pretty soon on my hospital bed, maybe you can ask if that’s an option for you?

 

[shonspawnel]

@thelearner92 The walk to the NICU was how I built my stamina back up - if your NICU has recliners, spend some time kicked back there while you’re in the hospital. There were a few different parts of the NICU that were the hardest. The first 48 hours being one of those. I didn’t meet/see my firstborn until 12 hours after I delivered her. I didn’t get to hold her for a week.

What helped was reframing my mindset. Holding a baby that small wouldn’t be comforting for her, it would be stressful. She needed low stimulation. What was more helpful was me reading, providing my scent, pumping milk for her. In theory she would have still been in utero- and I wouldn’t have held her anyways yet. As she got older, I’d do calming touches on her head or chest, put Polaroid pictures of mom and dad in her isolette, did long kangaroo care intervals after/during feeds. Once she moved to open air crib, I could hold her as much as I want and it was all worth it. It’ll get better!

 

[alexus711]

@thelearner92 Our situation was different than yours, but something that helped me get through the NICU journey was remembering that someday relatively soon, it would all be a memory. Please remember that someday this will all be a memory. Something I’ve learned in parenting is that the cliches are true, the days are long, but the years are short.

 

[bryanjohnmaloney]

@thelearner92 I know exactly how you feel. I had a 33 and 1 weeker and didn’t get to hold him for four days. I felt like I was going to die of sadness and heartbreak. To this day…9 years later, I want to cry. You feel like a failure and confused cause this is not how it’s supposed to go. You feel like no one understands and all you want is your baby. There is nothing I can say to make you feel better other than it is not your fault and this too shall pass. You can’t take care of baby if you yourself are not well. Nicu nurses are the best people on the planet and will be a great source of strength and knowledge for you. I’m sending all the internet love I can. You are not alone.

 

[thelearner92]

@bryanjohnmaloney Thx I feel like no one can understand the pain unless they've been through it I just feel so empty

 

[setsurinvuch]

@thelearner92 Ask about hand hugs! Hand hugs are encouraged on all babies in our units and are required for cares on the teeny tiny ones. It may help relieve that urge for contact although it wouldn’t be a complete replacement.

 

[lovemychildren21]

@thelearner92 It is so freaking hard. And it sucks. Just put one foot in-front of the other. Cry as much as you need. You got this.

 

[jojowanyana]

@thelearner92 NICU mama and nurse here. I had my son via emergency CS at 34 weeks. He ended up being very sick with listeria meningitis. I know every baby and every hospital is different but I would respectfully push a little on the holding. If she is “very healthy” I don’t see why you can’t hold her. Maybe with more elaboration I could figure out why you can’t hold her but it doesn’t make sense to me. Everyone else has offered great advice for coping. I hope you start to feel better soon.

 

[raiders47]

@jojowanyana Okay I’m sitting here wondering the same thing! Like I was able to hold my 30 weeker the day he was born (granted waiting until the afternoon felt long enough!).
I had to wait 11 days with my 24 weeker, it took a team of people and I couldn’t move a muscle since he was on a ventilator. From my experience I don’t understand why she has to wait if they are healthy?

 

[jojowanyana]

@raiders47 Yeah it doesn’t make sense to me. Like I said I would ask for a bit more information about why and politely push back a bit cuz that sounds so strange to me.

 

[thelearner92]

@jojowanyana Turns out the night nurses just suck , they won't let me hold her but the day nurses will. I got to hold her yesterday and should be able to today. I should be able to hold her once a day most likely. The night nurses just don't wanna take her out. The only support she has is an umbilical iv and feeding tube in her nose. She is in an incubator but maintains her temp well and there gonna move her soon. Those nurses are just awful. Too lazy to take baby out for me

 

[qwx]

@thelearner92 Baby is being taken care of where she is. You need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself as well. Why do you need to be laying down all the time? Unless you had complications from your c-section you really should be up and moving. The day of my c-section I was wheeled down to the NICU. Every time after that initial visit I walked as many steps as I could and then sat in the wheelchair until I could make it the whole way. Moving will help you heal quicker.

I found shoving pillows behind me in the chair in the nicu helped me find a comfortable position so I could spend time next to baby. The nurses will help!

Does your nicu have a baby cam? Or an app they upload photos to? Otherwise have dad or someone take pictures and videos if you can’t get there.

 

[thelearner92]

@qwx I've visited her twice. It's only been about 30hrs since c section. I'm up n moving to extent. They do have a camera I haven't set it up yet because I'm afraid it's gonna hurt worse seeing her alone n crying n I can't get to her fast or hold her. Pillows is a good idea.

 

[dennist]

@thelearner92 I couldn't watch the monitor videos either. It made it harder on me. But I liked asking my husband and mom to watch and just let me know she was sleeping and ok etc.

 

[qwx]

@thelearner92 Do what you can, and don’t beat yourself up. I know easier said than done.

You could always set it up, and if it’s too upsetting you can try not to check it as often.

 

[iamorange]

@thelearner92 Oh I’m so sorry, I was in the same boat as my son was induced prematurely to save both our lives at 32 weeks, and I was confined to complete bed rest while he was in the NICU for the first 3 days.

It was so emotionally painful but here’s the important thing to remember during these moments: your baby needs you to be as healthy as you possibly can to take care of her.

It’s torture to be away from them, I know, but there’s nothing at all to feel guilty about in this situation, and you’re definitely not doing her any harm by recovering. She’s brand new to the world and experiencing so many wild things at once, these first few days are not moments any of us really remember and although it’s traumatizing as the parent to not be able to hold her, but she thankfully doesn’t know about any of that yet so she doesn’t feel left out or sad. In other words her first cuddles and kisses and hand holdings will still be absolutely as magical for her in a few days as they would be right now.

Something that helped me a lot as a NICU parent was the reassurances from my entire medical team that it was the worst thing to sit vigil beside their incubator and not recover as the Mom, because although you’re apart she’s also safe and protected by the entire NICU ward team while you’re healing.

Please tell your doctor or nurse about the anxiety you’re experiencing as well so that they can help! Controlling post part I’m anxiety and depression is rough, especially with the wildly swaying hormones.

I had my partner take tons of photos for me and text them upstairs, and the nurses kindly let him FaceTime me by making sure no one was in the background. If you have a support person definitely ask them to help out with lots of photos and videos.

If you have If you follow any particular religion, sometimes it can be soothing to ask for the hospital chaplain to visit.

As an example, I am Catholic and my son was born in a beautiful Catholic hospital, and I know it seems silly to some which is fine, but truly the visits of the priest and nuns to my bedside in the first few days was incredibly comforting. Most large facilities have a chaplain for all faith, and they can be really supportive if that’s your type of groove.

Best of luck and life to you and your baby girl, congratulations!