Let’s talk about it: child support

@ericsnow As someone who feels bad about it I’ll give you my personal insight (fully knowing I’m going to be crucified).

There are a few reasons I’ll outline the main ones:
1. My daughters father asked me to have an abortion and I didn’t want to/couldn’t because of my personal religion. Now PERSONAL is the key word, I also believe that someone who doesn’t want to be or isn’t ready to be a parent shouldn’t have to be, I never asked him to stay I continued my pregnancy knowing full well the responsibility I was choosing to have, but he didn’t have a choice. So to me to make him financially responsible for my personal beliefs felt wrong.
2. I don’t want to do things out of bitterness. Thank God I have more than enough to sustain and give my daughter everything she needs an more, so I don’t want to take from him just to “teach him a lesson”
3. I don’t want to make money a factor in his relationship with his daughter like I don’t want him to resent her for that money, although I do concede that a parent who does resent his child because of money isn’t a parent that loves their child so there is that.

Now I do agree with the arguments people have made: 1. He chose so have sex without protection and that’s when he made his choice to become a parent.
2. It’s not fair to the child (and this one does get me) because that money belongs to them. It’s for them not the parent receiving the money so the parent should fight for their kids to get everything they are entitled to.

It’s hard because although I do absolutely believe child support is not a bad thing and I completely understand why they have to and should pay it I still feel really bad about it.
 
@ericsnow Unfortunately, it's necessary for the care of the kids in most situations. Yeah, some people abuse the hell out of it, but there are those that actually, genuinely need it and use it appropriately and responsibly.
 
@backyardfc
Yeah, some people abuse the hell out of it,
Click to expand...

Whenever I see anyone talk about abusing child support, it usually goes something like, ' custodial parent just bought something that is not an essential item for little Jimmy, therefore they're abusing child support,' which is a total non-sequitur logical fallacy based on the non-custodial parent's emotions about feeling wronged for having to pay support. As if a household's expenses are now required to be 100% child related once a parent is granted child support. That's a totally absurd notion.

If a custodial parent is parenting and doing all the normal shit a parent does-- ie, feed, clothe, house, care and educate a kid-- they're spending money on that kid, and the child support payment is offsetting that cost. Child support payments are not random numbers, they're calculated based on those kid-related budget items to offset a percentage of that cost for the custodial parent. That's the end of it. If a custodial parent isn't doing those things and is living in a flop house and neglecting the kid, that's a 'primary parent shouldn't have custody' type of problem, not an 'abusing child support' kind of problem.
 
@katrina2017 Ok, that's great, but that's not what I meant by abuse. See, my mom collected child support my entire life. Yeah, and every red cent was spent on drugs and going to the bar. I had to steal money from her purse so I could feed us that week. And I was the baby. Around 4 when I started. The only reason we had a roof over our heads was state benefits and God only knows how the lights stayed on. That's abuse of child support. That's what I mean.
 
@backyardfc Yea, so the state could have removed you from your mom's home and put you in foster care. Like I explained in my post, that's not 'abusing child support,' that's 'mom is an addict and shouldn't have custody.'
 
@katrina2017 Preaching to the choir. I'm on disability due to many, many conditions both physical and mental. I make very little even though I've been working since I was 15. I have my teenaged 6'4" 17yo son 97% of the time and my ex thinks paying $565 a month in support is more than enough. That's not enough to even FEED him for a month. The courts are now saying otherwise, but I don't know by how much yet.
 
@backyardfc Define “use it responsibly”. For example. My Children’s father was supposed to pay $700 per month for child support. That amount didn’t even cover daycare let alone all the other expenses. That’s if he even paid at all and he went years sometimes without paying.
 
@katrina2017 Mine pays $565, so I totally hear you. I mean that I don't buy drugs and alcohol with it. I don't get my hair/nails all did up. I barely even buy myself new clothes. Every penny I can is sunk right into the care of my boy. That's how I've always rolled. My mom used it for her coke/meth habit. I had to steal to feed us. It was hell. My children have never, EVER gone without. And they never will.
 
@ericsnow Honestly, the men on this subreddit, and their MRA vibes, certainly don’t help.

Personally, a judge terminated my ex’s rights. According to them, I couldn’t seek CS even if I wanted to as he’s now ‘not his father’. Pairing that with being told that seeking CS gives him a chance to seek visitation/custody…no thanks. Having to share my son with a deadbeat knowing I won’t see a dime will never be worth the risk. That fool will go to prison before he ever does the right thing.

Fuck that.
 
@jir777 Sounds like my ex
I'm in Australia, my ex agreed to a DVO no contact for 5yrs so because I refuse to let him see his son he's decided he's not paying a cent... fine by me I see the $20 a month he gives his ex for his other 2 kids.
 
@kamonra It does where I am. With next to no custody (only supervised) my ex is required to pay about 50% of the kids’ expenses. Though we have a rehearing Thursday so he can whine to the judge he can’t afford any of it. (He never showed up to the first hearing 🙄 )
 
@kamonra I believe, in California at least, visitation dictates child support amounts in a way. I have a friend who has 50/50 that told me neither parent can seek child support. Another thing I’ve heard is, the less the non-custodial parent sees the child, the more child support can be sought. I could be wrong though.
 
@jir777
visitation dictates child support amounts in a way. I have a friend who has 50/50 that told me neither parent can seek child support.
Click to expand...

Yea, they prorate child support amounts based on relative income and custodial time, so more custodial time means less support, assuming the parent will be spending that money and their kid while the kid is with them. But it's not true that 50/50 parents can't seek support, especially if 1) one parent is responsible for monthly daycare or health care payments because these expenses are supposed to be split evenly, so if parent A is paying $600 a month for the kids daycare bill they can get a $300/mo payment from parent B or 2) there's a major income disparity between each parent, in that case the higher earning parent may still pay some support to the lower earning parent.
 
@ericsnow Because a couple men out there got pissy about paying for their child and made it out to seem like the mother was running them dry just so she could get a purse
Which is unfortunate because the care and well-being of the child should always have priority
 
@ericsnow We're made to feel bad for seeking it bc selfish ass men and or women want the other parent to continue to foot 100% of the load of child care as well as paying for clothes and everything else while they spend their money on themselves.

"NOT ON MY WATCH"* In my Iyanla voice*
 
@ericsnow Maybe im just a boyscout but any real man should have no problem providing for his family wether its functioning or not. Naysayers are the deadbeats....

alimony or spousal support is the one i dissagree with
 
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