@sequiturblue I'm sorry, it completely went over my head and i went straight to defense when i thought you implied it wouldn't be best for them. i've been up since 2 am taking care of my mom after a major surgery and just got home to my baby so it's been a long day. I appreciate you taking the pressure off, i honestly never even thought we could really say no if she wanted it. But you're right, she could hate it and the damage would be done. We have to do what's best for us! thank you so much and i'm sorry i went off. I apologize. Everyone around me is telling me to have another, and i stress that since i'm an only i don't see the value on siblings and she will be missing out on her built in best friend, as everyone around me seems to have that relationship with their sibling. Thank you for your insight you gave me a lot to think about!
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Is this a bad reason?
- Thread starter dvz
- Start date
@dvz I feel this and I truly think people don’t understand how incredibly difficult this is as an only unless they’ve been through it. My husband is an only with divorced parents. His dad went from healthy to now being in a nursing home in 10 years (fuck MS) and it was insane the amount of stress it caused. Everything from numerous car accidents, home care, selling his house, moving him to assisted living, moving him to a nursing home in peak Covid, DEALING WITH THE GOVERNMENT IN FIGURING OUT MEDICARE, DISABILITY, ETC. (caps intended). We’ve been OAD despite all of this and knowing our son may be saddled with a similar situation- though I do hope neither me or my husband are in our 50’s with a degenerative disease. We’re now leaning towards a second but not due to this- like others will say, none of us can predict our relationship with our kids or the relationship our kids will have with one another in the future. It seems like more often then not, no matter how many kids someone has, one kid takes on a majority of the burden of taking care of the aging parents. I’m seeing it currently with my husbands Aunt- she’s taking care of her 94 year old mom and has completely left her life behind and she’s 1/5 kids. Not to mention one of the kids lives in the basement of the house and doesn’t help in anyway.
All of this to say, have a kid because you truly want to raise another human being. And set you and your partner up as best as you can so your kids can care for you as you age without it being a heavy, stressful burden.
All of this to say, have a kid because you truly want to raise another human being. And set you and your partner up as best as you can so your kids can care for you as you age without it being a heavy, stressful burden.
@mila Thank you for this! You're so right, you don't know the burden until you've actually been through it. Yeah i could not care and leave her to figure it out, but she's sacrificed her entire life for me and how could i not at least make sure she's okay? It would not be to take care of us, as i told my husband after all of this there will 100% be a plan in place so all our daughter does not have to worry, and i could do the heavy lifting by myself, but it would be nice to have someone that fully understands what it's like to see your parents decline, and they be their parents too you know? I need to think about if i would be okay if my kids didn't have a relationship, because right now i think it would devastate me if they didn't.
and you're so right about one being saddled! My husbands mom is 1 of 3 and when her mom got alzheimer's she was the one doing most of the care. I will say that her siblings helped as much as they could, but her older brother was a doctor and ran his own practice so obviously could not be there every day, and her other sibling lives an hour away with two young kids and him and his wife are also teachers. My husbands mom lives two doors down. So much to think about.
and you're so right about one being saddled! My husbands mom is 1 of 3 and when her mom got alzheimer's she was the one doing most of the care. I will say that her siblings helped as much as they could, but her older brother was a doctor and ran his own practice so obviously could not be there every day, and her other sibling lives an hour away with two young kids and him and his wife are also teachers. My husbands mom lives two doors down. So much to think about.
cravenjack
New member
@dvz When I think about these kinds of stressors in our family, I think it would be better for me to save tons of money, have health care directives, a will, etc all figured out rather than having a second kiddo. It’s a lot of stress, but as folks have said, there is no guarantee the kids will be close or that one kid won’t end up shouldering the burden for one reason or another. And what if the second kiddo is disabled? It adds to the responsibility rather than creating the ability to share the load of caretaking for aging parents. Although, disability doesn’t mean there won’t be emotional support, which is what you’re talking about. Again, this is just how I’m thinking about it.
@cravenjack no i agree! and that's something we have to consider because i don't know how we could do it if another baby had any long term disabilities. It's a good thing to think about and my husband and i agree we will not have another kid unless we are okay with all outcomes!
@dvz I feel you. We’re both compromised. I have diseased kidneys (my mom who I got it from needed a transplant at 53 but she’s still doing ok 10 years later). My husband had bad heart defects and has had heart surgery basically every decade of his life; he has an artificial conduit and valve. So while we are normal health now, I don’t know how old we will both live to be. This is definitely a big reason why I’m contemplating another. I don’t know what the right answer is though. People especially OADers will say it’s not enough of a reason, you have to want a baby, there’s no guarantee they will be friends etc etc. And it makes sense to some degree. Like if you’re gonna hate your life and the only reason you’re doing it is for after you’re dead, yeah. But if it will give you peace and joy every day to see that they have each other, then yes.
@muya That's exactly where i'm torn! I have no doubt i would love another baby with all i had, and i would do everything i can to foster a good sibling relationship, and i would never get pregnant unless my husband and i knew we wanted a kid for us, not with a job to be there for their sister too. i'm in the OAD sub and i knew they would list all of the reasons they probably won't actually be close or care when we get older so i wanted to come here, but from my experience with friends they all love their siblings and have very close relationships and it seems the ones that didn't it was because their parents maybe treated them differently/pittted them against each other etc and not so much because they are too "different" as most of my friends are very different from me. It just seems like an impossible decision. Thank you for sharing your perspective!!
@dvz Yeah. I’m afraid I’ve been biased by so long in the OAD sub. My son is 3. I had horrible postpartum everything haha and what got me through the first couple years was saying “never again”. But now he’s a fairly reasonable human and I’m starting to think suffering for a couple years is worth it haha. Plus I’m hoping my mental health wouldn’t go to shit from hormones and I might actually get to enjoy it. But something is making me hesitate. Not sure if it’s just anxiety I’d be destroying our lives or if I genuinely can’t do it again.
@muya I'm glad you're feeling better!! PP has been very hard for me, even though my husband is 50/50 and sometimes 75/25 when i just can't. I worry i'm jaded too!! Same page with the suffering. I cant see the end of the tunnel yet, but sometimes i think that a couple years of suffering with be worth the hopefully many many years i will have left with them! I just feel pressured to make the decision soonish because i don't know if i could mentally put myself back into the baby phase when i'm 100% out of it you know? My husband and i in our hearts have always wanted 2, but after actually having a baby not sure if we can handle it. Or do we want to willingly make our lives harder? but will it really? freedom from being so close to walking/eating/etc makes it so hard to make the decision to start all over.
@dvz I’m my mom’s only, and not gonna lie - my stepdad dying was a big factor in having a second child. I really wished for someone who knew my mom the way I did just to be able to share a known history with as I dealt with a difficult time.
That said, my step sister was not helpful or involved with her dad’s funeral and we didn’t have a shared history as our parents married when we were adults so….that’s also something that I could just be imagining/projecting on people with siblings.
My husband is also an only, and that combined with lots of other reasons ended up pushing us off the fence to have another.
I’m very happy we decided to and I think my youngest was always supposed to be a member of our family, but sticking with one would’ve been a good decision too.
That said, my step sister was not helpful or involved with her dad’s funeral and we didn’t have a shared history as our parents married when we were adults so….that’s also something that I could just be imagining/projecting on people with siblings.
My husband is also an only, and that combined with lots of other reasons ended up pushing us off the fence to have another.
I’m very happy we decided to and I think my youngest was always supposed to be a member of our family, but sticking with one would’ve been a good decision too.
@calpastor Yes!! you get it!! I so wish someone knew how much my dad meant to me as a dad... and someone who could actually understand and feel that grief with me, especially since it never goes away.
I resonate so much with your last statement. We feel 100% the same way. I have no doubt if we had another they would be so loved and were meant to be a part of our family...... but also i don't think we would be effected if we didn't?
I resonate so much with your last statement. We feel 100% the same way. I have no doubt if we had another they would be so loved and were meant to be a part of our family...... but also i don't think we would be effected if we didn't?
@calpastor Agree! can i ask how your husband being an only led him to wanting multiple kids? I'm an only too and though i've never wanted a sibling (up until recently i've been wishing) but i sometimes worry do i feel the okay being OAD because i don't understand the value of a sibling? Because if i'm honest everyone i'm around has siblings and they all love their siblings and have GREAT relationships... and others value growing up with them but they aren't super close now. I haven't met anyone who wishes they didn't have a sibling.
@dvz My husband liked being an only! (As did I growing up!) and I actually disliked having a half brother.
He would’ve been more fine being done at one, I think I was the leader of that decision (although he also got on board of course and loves our second).
For both of us there are a lot of positive only child traits that we worried our kids wouldn’t have - like independence and creativity.
We have a big age gap (5.5 years) which in some ways has given us both experiences.
He would’ve been more fine being done at one, I think I was the leader of that decision (although he also got on board of course and loves our second).
For both of us there are a lot of positive only child traits that we worried our kids wouldn’t have - like independence and creativity.
We have a big age gap (5.5 years) which in some ways has given us both experiences.
katrina2017
New member
@dvz My husband works in long term care insurance. One project he was on involved interviewing care takers to come up with resources to better assist them. A common theme among the interviews was that all of the care burden fell on one child who spoke very negatively of their sibling(s). I'm sure there are many stories of siblings who do share the responsibilities, however aging parents can also cause a lot of strain on sibling relationships.
It does sound like you're more concerned about emotional support for your child rather than them taking care of you solo. I could definitely see how a sibling could be really beneficial in this regard, especially if you are able to have arrangements where your aging won't be a huge burden on your kids.
It does sound like you're more concerned about emotional support for your child rather than them taking care of you solo. I could definitely see how a sibling could be really beneficial in this regard, especially if you are able to have arrangements where your aging won't be a huge burden on your kids.
@katrina2017 Yes! after having to care for my dad at 19 and now my mom at 26, i wouldn't feel comfortable placing the burden on them even if i had 20 children.
That's super interesting what your husband is working on. i wonder why people are just now figuring out how to do long term care?
That's super interesting what your husband is working on. i wonder why people are just now figuring out how to do long term care?
cadence001
New member
@dvz Just want to validate that it’s really hard dealing with your parents’ health issues (and decline) alone. I’m in both positions in that I have 2 older half siblings from my mom but I’m my dad’s only. They divorced when I was really young, and he never remarried. When he was going through his cancer battle, I was it. It was all on me, with a little help from my grandpa (who ended up outliving my dad), and my uncle. When he went into hospice I was the one to sit with him 18 hours per day, and then overnight at the end. I did all the funeral arrangements and had no one telling me whether I was making good choices. When it came time to clean out his house it was all on me and my husband. Because I live in a different state it took 4 months of driving home every weekend to finish.
Meanwhile when my mom has any health issues we just hop on the group chat and set up who’s going to check on her, get her to her appointments, when I’m going to stay with her a stretch, etc. My sister does the bulk of the work because they live down the road from each other so it’s easier. People can judge all they want for this being a reason to have more kids, but it’s not a bad one. I have zero expectations my 3 kids will actually take this on (my husband and I are aggressive savers/investors so we have enough for elder care), but I would hope through modeling care for my mom and family, they’ll learn what it means to take care of each other. My dad’s side of the family is all gone now and it makes me feel so alone; I’m lucky I still have my siblings and my mom. When she’s gone I will be SO lucky I have my siblings and their kids.
Meanwhile when my mom has any health issues we just hop on the group chat and set up who’s going to check on her, get her to her appointments, when I’m going to stay with her a stretch, etc. My sister does the bulk of the work because they live down the road from each other so it’s easier. People can judge all they want for this being a reason to have more kids, but it’s not a bad one. I have zero expectations my 3 kids will actually take this on (my husband and I are aggressive savers/investors so we have enough for elder care), but I would hope through modeling care for my mom and family, they’ll learn what it means to take care of each other. My dad’s side of the family is all gone now and it makes me feel so alone; I’m lucky I still have my siblings and my mom. When she’s gone I will be SO lucky I have my siblings and their kids.
@dvz I understand this sentiment. My stepdad is an only child and is currently going through this with his elderly mother. She’s in a nursing home 30 minutes drive away, and he visits her every day, takes her on all outings and to appointments, is doing all the preparations for selling her house- a huge job, and I can tell he’s struggling with the weight of doing it all without siblings to share the load. But that said, his kids and wife are helping out, his mum’s friends, etc. There is other support.
But then in my husbands family he is one of 3 kids. One of his sisters moved overseas (12 hour flight away) and we are soon moving interstate for work. When his parents are at that age of needing regular care, unfortunately it’s still going to be almost all on his other sibling to help out regularly as she is the only one living nearby.
It’s impossible to predict how these family setups will end up, and whether there will even be other people available to help with aged care.
But then in my husbands family he is one of 3 kids. One of his sisters moved overseas (12 hour flight away) and we are soon moving interstate for work. When his parents are at that age of needing regular care, unfortunately it’s still going to be almost all on his other sibling to help out regularly as she is the only one living nearby.
It’s impossible to predict how these family setups will end up, and whether there will even be other people available to help with aged care.
@dvz Being an only myself this was part of why I leaned towards two. I am a generational island in my family - only child, only grandchild, only niece/nephew. I have a wonderful, supportive husband and a strong friend group. But I don’t want my eldest to have to rely on that when it comes to the emotional support needed for caring for and burying a parent. When my grandfather died I leaned heavily on my husband for support because it felt wrong to lean on my Mom and Uncle who were grieving their father. I can’t imagine doing that alone and I don’t want my daughter dependent on having a significant other or strong friend group to get through these parts of adulthood.
I’m pregnant with our second now but my daughter is 4.5y. There was no way we were ready for a second with a 6 month old. We had a long list of pros and cons for having another baby and while not having our daughter be alone was on it, it wasn’t an overly driving factor. Ultimately we got pregnant again when we knew we wanted to bring another person in to our family. Your daughter is young and you yourself are young, you have time to make this decision. The right reason for having another child, to me, is because you want to know and nurture and parent them. Not as a support system for an older child.
I’m pregnant with our second now but my daughter is 4.5y. There was no way we were ready for a second with a 6 month old. We had a long list of pros and cons for having another baby and while not having our daughter be alone was on it, it wasn’t an overly driving factor. Ultimately we got pregnant again when we knew we wanted to bring another person in to our family. Your daughter is young and you yourself are young, you have time to make this decision. The right reason for having another child, to me, is because you want to know and nurture and parent them. Not as a support system for an older child.
chosenremnant
New member
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