Am I the bad guy
- Thread starter jlkuhioe
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- stay-at-home parents
@jlkuhioe My husband is in your shoes and he is happy to put his gym clothes in another room the night before.
We are both different people and we both pull our weight. He sees that I manage the kids at night more and that if they wake at 4am, it’s me that deals with them. I know that he takes care of the mornings.
If your husband is a good man and does a lot to help out with the kids and house then just pre prepare your clothes, it’s not a big deal. In fact it’s showing kindness towards your partner.
If however he’s not helping out fairly when he’s awake then this is more so what needs to be addressed and what may be causing resentment. Usually if our partners are pulling their weight then people are happy to accomodate them.
We are both different people and we both pull our weight. He sees that I manage the kids at night more and that if they wake at 4am, it’s me that deals with them. I know that he takes care of the mornings.
If your husband is a good man and does a lot to help out with the kids and house then just pre prepare your clothes, it’s not a big deal. In fact it’s showing kindness towards your partner.
If however he’s not helping out fairly when he’s awake then this is more so what needs to be addressed and what may be causing resentment. Usually if our partners are pulling their weight then people are happy to accomodate them.
@jlkuhioe One of those you’re not doing the morning routine “alone” as that is the day!
I’m so happy my kiddo is also a night kid, as I am, so the two of us usually go to bed 11:30/12, and wake up 8:30/9:30. My husband is a morning guy so he wakes our older 2 for school, does lunches, morning routine, takes them to school. Then I do night time. But I still have a nursing 2yo that lives for mommy and mommy only. Ugh. She won’t sleep for or with anyone else.
That’s your shift. His shift starts later and in theory should then take the kid later.
My sister and her husband have this dynamic.
He’s a night owl, she has always been (even in college
) in bed by 9pm. So now after dinner she’s done, he takes over the kids and she does whatever she wants, goes to bed early, etc. he puts all kids to sleep and has the “evening shift”.
So if the bathroom is shared with the bedroom, like ours is, my husband has to wait to shower until we’re up. We don’t even have a door in between them which is dumb.
Is there a 2nd bathroom? We have one and my husband knows he could shower there but he prefers to use the time he drops the kids off until we wake up as his alone time.
Trying to reframe who has which shift can help with the slightly different sleeping schedules.
I’m so happy my kiddo is also a night kid, as I am, so the two of us usually go to bed 11:30/12, and wake up 8:30/9:30. My husband is a morning guy so he wakes our older 2 for school, does lunches, morning routine, takes them to school. Then I do night time. But I still have a nursing 2yo that lives for mommy and mommy only. Ugh. She won’t sleep for or with anyone else.
That’s your shift. His shift starts later and in theory should then take the kid later.
My sister and her husband have this dynamic.
He’s a night owl, she has always been (even in college
) in bed by 9pm. So now after dinner she’s done, he takes over the kids and she does whatever she wants, goes to bed early, etc. he puts all kids to sleep and has the “evening shift”. So if the bathroom is shared with the bedroom, like ours is, my husband has to wait to shower until we’re up. We don’t even have a door in between them which is dumb.
Is there a 2nd bathroom? We have one and my husband knows he could shower there but he prefers to use the time he drops the kids off until we wake up as his alone time.
Trying to reframe who has which shift can help with the slightly different sleeping schedules.
katrina2017
New member
@katrina2017 Well that’s a great feeling. I feel like this question was indeed about parenting shifts and this is how we work different sleep schedules in the house. Or she can go on being resentful and never look for a solution. Whatever.
katrina2017
New member
@katrina2017 I am projecting? Ok 
harryborne
New member
@jlkuhioe It's hard to tell if he's actually sleeping 9 hours or not. He could easily be having trouble sleeping through the night, or having really poor quality of sleep. There are also some people who need more sleep than others to feel fully rested.
For me personally, I'd just set clothes out the night before. Unless I'm expecting him to do anything in the morning before work, I don't see a reason to wake him up before he has to be up.
You could also consider having a small dresser set aside outside the bedroom to use for yourself, if trying to make the decision the night before is too hard / there are too many unknowns.
If you are more upset that he isn't up earlier to do stuff, such as help with morning chores or to have some play time with the baby before work, then discuss that with him as a separate issue.
For me personally, I'd just set clothes out the night before. Unless I'm expecting him to do anything in the morning before work, I don't see a reason to wake him up before he has to be up.
You could also consider having a small dresser set aside outside the bedroom to use for yourself, if trying to make the decision the night before is too hard / there are too many unknowns.
If you are more upset that he isn't up earlier to do stuff, such as help with morning chores or to have some play time with the baby before work, then discuss that with him as a separate issue.
My husband also works at home 10-7ish and is a night owl. I’ve told him is he’s free to try to sleep in but I am not going to put up with him being a grump when he’s inevitably woken up. He also has evening tasks that he does after I go to bed (mostly resetting the kitchen) and is in charge of any wake-ups that happen before 2am whether he’s asleep or not. I usually take naps on weekends and if our preschooler does not he’s in charge of that.
I’m still not entirely happy with the arrangement as it makes it hard to do things as a family during the weekend. I could probably schedule more things in advance, as he will wake up, or I send 3.5yo to wake him, when we have something scheduled.
Anyway, feel free to PM me if you’d like to chat more on the subject!
I’m still not entirely happy with the arrangement as it makes it hard to do things as a family during the weekend. I could probably schedule more things in advance, as he will wake up, or I send 3.5yo to wake him, when we have something scheduled.
Anyway, feel free to PM me if you’d like to chat more on the subject!
tarheelmlv
New member
kathyisongodsmission
New member
@jlkuhioe You are absolutely not the bad guy. Please show him this thread. I'm really sick of hearing the non SAHP not pulling weight and getting upset for not getting enough sleep (9 hours sounds like a dream to me). I read these stories almost daily. And I live them. It puts incredible strain on the parent at home, puts stain on the marriage, and eventually on the children as one parent runs around doing everything pertaining to home life. It's exhausting and will wear you down. You're not wrong OP. Demand more help and less whining from the other parent. You're doing great.