Is this a bad reason?

[dvz]

Hey y'all!! sorry if this is messed up i'm pretty emotional right now and need some advice!!! I had my beautiful girl 6 months ago and husband and i have been firm OAD. Pregnancy was great health wise besides HG which caused a significant amount of weight loss but thankfully baby was perfect!! and birth went better than expected, i'm definitely okay with doing it again. We've been OAD because honestly.. one baby has been a lot on us and though i could handle another, we aren't sure if we want to.

What has me rethinking everything is my dad passed away when i was 19, and i'm now 26 and my mom is getting surgery which has me stressed but we are 99% sure she is developing early onset alzheimer's. i have no family other than my mom and the weight of everything on me in enormous. I don't want multiple children to help take care of me/my husband (because of having to care for my father and potentially now my mom there will be a plan in place as i don't want my children to have that burden ). But i want them to have each other. My husband does have a big family and we are close but still, it's weighing on me and i don't want my girl to ever be in the position i'm in. Is this a dumb reason ? am i being emotional? any words or encouragement? thank you so much!!

 

[feuerbach]

@dvz This is tough. Your logic is not flawed, per se, because healthy and strong family connections clearly contribute to wellbeing. But there’s no guarantee that they will have that type of connection, despite being related and growing up together. Family members drift apart all the time for myriad reasons. I wonder instead if you could intentionally invest into ensuring your LO forms a solid model for establishing and nurturing healthy and strong connections to family, partner, friends, etc. so that the benefits you hope to achieve (interdependence and mutual support) happen regardless of whether you have a second.

 

[dvz]

@feuerbach That's where i struggle! i know there is no guarantee that they will be close with us, or each other. I would hope that as a parent i can foster that but it's still a mixed bag. I am torn because while i do have very close friends that are more like sisters, and my husband family has welcomed me with open arms and we are close, its different when someone can't fully relate. I found it the hardest with my dad passing, no one knew the amount of pain i felt. (it was very quick, cancer diagnosis and passed within two months). I wished so hard that i had a sibling to be able to go through that with because no matter how much my husband and friends were there, they just didn't get it

 

[barkatthemoon]

@dvz I have 6 siblings, my mom had 13. They didn’t understand each other’s grief when my grandma passed and me and my siblings didn’t understand each other’s grief when my dad passed.

We all have our own relationships and our own way of processing grief. The large differences in these two things make it impossible to completely understand another’s grief. We all just have each other space to grieve in our own way. I’m sure your friends did the same.

 

[dobichlan18]

@dvz

no matter how much my husband and friends were there, they just didn't get it

I understand what you mean, I really do. My husband and I are both only children, so we will have to handle end of life care, death, and funeral arrangements for 4 parents between us.

But here's the thing: you define what "it" is for you, and your child will define what "it" is for them. You are not your child. Your pain is not your child's pain.

Is any reason a good enough reason to have a second child? Ultimately, it doesn't matter because the parents decide what they decide. However, I think this reason is based on a really big assumption that your child will feel exactly how you feel and need exactly what you need. I think that is generally a shaky assumption.

 

[dvz]

@dobichlan18 I 100% agree and that's why i came here for advice. Logically, one makes sense for us. But emotionally, and when i think about myself, i almost want to give her something that i think i never had. it's super easy to imagine what it would be like with a siliving when i don't have one, and honestly my dad passing is the only thing that has made me wish for a sibling. i know this is not a good reason because me and my husband being 100% happy in our lives and our decisions is what will ultimately be best for her. It's been a real struggle trying to get my heart to line up with my head, because i usually lead with my heart but if i'm brining another child into the world my head needs to be there too.

 

[dobichlan18]

@dvz Absolutely, I know what you mean. I really wanted a sibling when I was a kid, especially when my family had some dysfunctional dynamic that I had to deal with all by myself. But when I got older, I started to recognize all the opportunities that I almost certainly wouldn't have had if I had a sibling, and how much better my life has turned out because of those opportunities. I think that gave me a more nuanced view of both sides. Our heart tends to gravitate towards what we lack and yearn for. That's where our head needs to point out what we have and may lose.

 

[dvz]

@dobichlan18 I will say the people i have come across that were only children that wanted a sibling also had dysfunctional family dynamics. I know making sure we have a safe environment for our girl will be our #1 priority.. the question is if it can help!

 

[dvz]

@dobichlan18 I struggle the most because apart from our time and attention, having another won't take away from the opportunities our girl will have and we have so much family in our immediate area who will do anything they need. It almost feels like if we can have a second kid why aren't we??

 

[dobichlan18]

@dvz For sure, your calculations would be different from mine. I mean, there are lots of reasons we don't do things just because we can, but if you can and you want to, that's different.

I think you're trying to critically examine the "want" because at some point in the recent past, you also "wanted" to be OAD for other reasons. So how do these reasons compare against those reasons? Which reasons are about something transient, and which reasons are about something permanent? Which reasons hold more weight today? Which reasons will hold more weight in 5, 10, 18, 21 years?

 

[dvz]

@dobichlan18 You hit the nail on the head! Only one definitely holds more weight for at least most of their childhood but then what if i have awesome kids when i'm older and the rest of their life is enriched? and that's only if they get along and if they want a relationship with us when i get older. The future for 2 is definitely a lot riskier. I think i know i only want one but i'm looking for a reason to have another.

 

[nader1]

@dvz I could’ve written this post myself. I just want to say, my dad died when I was 19 and my mom while I was pregnant. It’s also a factor in why I’m considering having another. People say it’s a bad reason, but I really don’t think it is. It’s a really awful feeling sitting in a chair watching your parents die with nobody to tag in and out.

 

[dvz]

@nader1 Thank you for sharing im so glad you understand. (and i'm sorry you do at the same time, it's just nice to not feel alone) I had to drop out of school to fly across the country and i was either in his hospital room or a hotel room alone for 2 months until he passed.. Nothing like losing your dad and knowing he'll never see you get married, meet your babies, and share your life with. It still hurts everyday. I hope you're okay! hugs to you. And i agree, i think if you are able and you know you will love a second, that's a good enough reason. I've always wanted a second but wasn't sure if i could muster up the strength to get me through the baby phase again, but i think this could get me through it.

 

[nader1]

@dvz I had always planned on 2, but debilitating morning sickness made me kind of change my mind — plus kids are so expensive when they get older. But I’m like you, unsure, but really don’t want my child to not have a sibling when my husband and I die.

 

[dvz]

@nader1 I feel this!!! i was vomiting 10 times a day up until 36 weeks and was very close to having a stroke during labor. And babies are HARD. your freedom is nonexistent. It's going to be hard to go back when you can almost taste it getting so much better! We are kind of on the fence of waiting to see if she even asks for a sibling ....

 

[sequiturblue]

@dvz Does it matter if she does ask for a sibling? And what age will it matter? If she asks at 6, the experience she’ll prob be looking for won’t exist for years and might be a disappoint for all. Kids ask for ponies too, but it doesn’t mean a whole lot in reality. I’m struggling deciding too, but logically I know I have to decide whether I want to raise another human.

 

[dvz]

@sequiturblue For us it matters, my biggest fear in not having another is that she will have wished she had a sibling, and that's something we are 100% able to do. We have the financial means, stability and family support and it wouldn't be a problem to have another. And we are very undecided and feel like her asking will push us over the edge. Our hard cut off is 3 though, and i get your point about when she's older but i have a ton of friends that BEGGED for siblings when they were 5,6,7 and a lot of times they were closer than friends who had siblings with smaller age gaps. Maybe i'm biased but our first girl was not planned, and honestly we were scared and had doubts the entire pregnancy. But she is the absolute best thing to ever happen to us and have changed our lives for the better! We would never bring a child into the world that isn't wanted and couldn't be cared for. So for us, we are okay taking the plunge if it's something she really wants, and if they end up not being close or best friends we will be okay with that too.

 

[sequiturblue]

@dvz My point is: you have to do what’s best for you, not if she asks. Do you think she will know what she’s asking for? At three? They ask for ice cream and cookies for meals. Just because they ask for it doesn’t mean they REALLY know what they want or what’s even best for them.

 

[dvz]

@sequiturblue It's kind of silly to compare a sibling to eating ice cream and cookies. And you kind of missed my point. We aren't leaning towards one way or another really, we go back and forth every day. We could decide to have another before she can even talk so she never gets a say, or she could beg for years, we never have another, and she can resent us for not giving her a sibling. You cant predict the future , and i can see a great life for having only our daughter, or having two kids. We just haven't decided that route. for my fellow only child friends, it's probably 50/50 of people who resent their parents for not having another, and who are thankful they are an only.

And we absolutely would do what's best for her. Yes some decide to be OAD just because they enjoy that lifestyle, and many are done because they don't have the help, money or it's fertility. We have the money
and support and our current childs life would not suffer unless she hates her sibling but like you said, that's life and they don't always get what they want. In my real life not on reddit experience, i've met 0 people who don't like their sibling and didn't enjoy it growing up, even if they aren't best friends until adulthood. We would only have a child if we 100% want it, and yes i think that my daughter wanting a sibling would help push us one way or another. That's fine if you disagree, not everyone has the same reasons for having/not having children. Our child would not lack in resources, care and support if we had another. If it turns out not being everything she thought it would, that's completely fine with us. They don't have to be best friends.

 

[sequiturblue]

@dvz Wow. You said you were on the fence and would see if she even asked for one so I was trying to help take the pressure off if she did, as many people find that stressful. I’m not saying anything about not doing what’s best for her. Good luck in your decision.