@margrethe Don’t leave your job unless you have another one lined up. Leaving the workforce will do a lot more harm if you do decide to divorce now, or sometime in the future. And I hate the “tell me what you need” BS. Yes, sometimes we have to ask but 99% of the time what we need is obvious or just a standard part of being a husband and a father. It just adds something else to our mental load. Sorry you’re dealing with this.
Also, I would start adding some money to an emergency pot that your husband doesn’t know about or have access to so you have some kind of back up if/when you need to leave.
@margrethe I’m really sorry. You, and your kids, deserve much better. I empathize with a lot of elements of your situation because I too am contending with childlike, emotionally uninvested husband and in-laws with bottomless funds for a custody battle.
Is there any way you can explore alternative job options that will allow you to keep working, while supporting your well being? Consultation with a lawyer?
I can’t blame you for wanting to leave. Maybe looking at it from a long game, make your exit plan and take of yourself as beat you can.
@margrethe Keep working. And stop doing things for him and take time off.
I almost never cook dinner. I sleep in on weekends. I tell him ahead of time that I'm going to take XYZ time off. If he forgot, guess he'll have to cancel his plans or take the kids with him. I used to kick him/nudge him when the baby cries because he said "I just don't hear our baby... who's crib is literally at the foot of our bed".
Write down a list of things you "need from him", and post it on the fridge.
I know this is super painful... but divorce with a newborn is so hard for you, that this may be worth a shot. My lovely husband but commonsense handicapped was always like "I just don't know what needs to be done or what you need".
For us, after a few months, he got into a rhythm. He cooks without me asking, does most of the night feeds, gets up in the morning on the weekends so I can sleep in.
@margrethe Ooof I definitely relate to a lot of the comments here about this being such a difficult time. I’m also here in the postpartum period with my second baby while also having a toddler. I’m also a stepmom and have a grade school aged stepson. My husband does do a lot of household and parenting stuff and it’s like he’ll have a couple days where he sees how stressed I am and he will step it up a bit and have my coffee ready in the morning and give the kids baths at night, but then he’ll go dark again and barely be around because he’s off working on the yard or doing something in the basement. And it’s hard to know if I have the right to be frustrated because he is doing stuff for our house but also like he just assumes I’m there to take care of the kids. He also constantly asks me questions like “do you want me to get the baby a bottle and feed him?” “Do you want me to go check on our toddler?” “Should I make the toddler breakfast?” And he says it’s because he doesn’t want to do the wrong thing but god it’s so exhausting and I’m like do you think I automatically knew what I was doing??! No I had to figure it out and sometimes I feel like an idiot for doing something wrong so sometimes you might just have to feel like an idiot. I just feel alone and like he isn’t putting any effort into taking care of me during a time when I just need to be taken care of for a little while. I’ve tried to explain this to him but he’s just not getting that this isn’t about him, it’s about me needing a little more right now.
Anyways, that’s all just to say I have enjoyed reading the comments on your post. My only advice is to echo what some others have said about waiting a bit longer before making any final decisions about divorce. Because this is just a crazy difficult time for couples. And because splitting time with your child with another parent can be incredibly difficult even under good coparenting situations. I know there are some parents who thrive with having a little time off while their kids are with their other parent but it can also be just really emotionally hard. My husband has 50/50 custody and does actually like being a parent and even after 6 years of coparenting he still has such a hard time when his child isn’t at home with us. Plus just the logistics of coparenting is so freaking complex. I know there’s alot I’d put up with from my husband before choosing divorce just because I can’t stand the idea of not getting to tell my babies goodnight every night.
@margrethe Therapy I think is best. Throwing kids into an already strained relationship without any support or reinforcement on proper and respectful communication can be a recipe for a disaster. My husband and I did marriage counseling and individual therapy. It was not easy but worth it.
@jimishasmom My suggestion was not meant to be dismissive of OP’s efforts. Reading OP’s financial concerns, I still think therapy is a good option. Finding the right therapist and right form of therapy could be a game changer. That’s just my opinion.
@hilbrand THANK YOU. LOUDER FOR THE KIDS IN THE BACK. I actually shared this with my husband once and even when I spelled out for him this is literally what he does, he did not get it (and it seems a few of the moms here don't get it either). It's not about the crumbs or dishes (or erasing my biracial kids' heritage, but that's another story for another day)... It's about getting your head out of your ass and caring about your spouse.
@margrethe I divorced and it’s been very hard on the kids. He got a replacement immediately and moved in which I never saw coming as he is a racist hoarder. In your situation I would try to just keep it together until the kids are teens.
