Is it selfish to have kids with large age gaps, 10+ years?

[aog17]

We have 3 kids, 1 who I gave birth to and 2 my husband had before he met me. We have had custody of them since my daughter was 2 weeks old, and because I went from mom of 0 to mom of 3 in 1 month, I didnt want anymore kids. I was 23 when I had my daughter.

Now im 32, and I want to have another child. The age gap between kids would be 9, 16 and 18 years. Which seems crazy, and makes me wonder if im being selfish.

My husband is willing to have one more, but wants to stop after that because hes almost 40. We are financially stable and mentally a lot better off too. I dont feel like im ready to be done anymore, but I dont want to be unfair to my kids or potential kid either.

Is this something I should just get over, and stick to my original plan? Did anyone else decide to have more children years later - and did it workout okay?!

Sorry, theres no one I can really talk to about this. Im just looking for honest opinions, or experiences as parents or siblings!

 

[anh0639]

@aog17 I think it’s only selfish if you intend to have the older child act in a parental way in any fashion.

 

[irieladycathy]

@anh0639 Agreed. I have a 20 year age gap with my youngest sibling, I had to look after them and my other younger siblings. Also at the time, I didn't consider it such a great idea because my parents were 40 and 50! Any responsibility would lie on me if something happened to them and I was constantly worried about this. Also now instead of enjoying their free time they're still raising a little kid. All the other siblings are already older and almost independent.

Looking after my siblings almost like a third parent took away a lot from my childhood. Also now that I've moved out I didn't get to see my youngest sibling grow up as much compared to the others.

It might not answer your question but this is my perspective from the other end.

 

[shmuel7]

@aog17 I have two and they are 10 years apart. It took me that long to decide to get pregnant again. My kids adore each other, but don't have a lot in common. Its basically like both of them get the only child experience but also get to have a sibling, that connection to someone else. Its not selfish, its just the way things worked out.

 

[aog17]

@shmuel7 I love this perspective, thank you!! Im so glad it worked out. It took me that long to decide, too, and the only 2 people I talked to made me feel like it was wrong. Then anxiety took over.

 

[aog17]

@jjoseph Im not sure if anything makes sense in this brain of mine, but it's a lot of what you said. Your point of view is a lot better. I had a friend tell me that it's weird and unfair to have such a large age gap (18 years from oldest) because my oldest could be having babies when my youngest would still be a toddler. While that doesn't bother me, it made me worry that im not seeing things clearly or something. It bothers me more that I could have grandkids before im 40 lol.

I did ask them their opinions. My 9 year old is all for it and has always wanted a younger sibling. My oldest both think it's a terrible idea. They aren't fond of babies because of their bio mom and all of her kids she abandoned, that went to broken homes. They're kind of in a mad at the world stage, about to graduate high school, and unsure about the world.

 

[tak]

@aog17 The 9 yo will have to grow up alongside a baby sister for many years so I actually think her opinion matters because it's a live changing decision for her, too. The young adults? Not so much.

Considering you're only 32 and if the three of you (you, husband and 9yo sister) are all for it I wouldn't be too concerned about anyone else's opinion.

In particular I don't understand your friends point of view at all: How is it more selfish and unfair in your situation than if anyone else wants a baby? I'm sure the future baby will think it was much more selfish of his/her adult step siblings to not want her born, right?

 

[aog17]

@tak Very true! Lol. Thank you. I think anxiety just took over. At 32, I know better than to worry about what anyone else thinks of me, I dont know why I got so worked up worrying about the judgment my kids/future kid would receive. I am excited to try now, and I hope we can have one more!

 

[marke2]

@aog17

my oldest could be having babies when my youngest would still be a toddler

That's my family! My youngest sister is less than 3 years older than my oldest daughter. My oldest brother is a few month short of 20 years older than my youngest sister.

 

[aog17]

@marke2 Did it bother you or your siblings, or is it just accepted and no big deal? I mean, at least the kids all have play mates their age. Haha. Is it weird parenting kids that are the same age as your parents youngest?

 

[marke2]

@aog17 Totally not a big deal. We're a big family - nine kids - and it's been very convenient. My parents were almost always willing to watch my kids, because they had little ones, too. And I'll take my sister(s) for the day if my parents need me to.

Four other siblings of mine have kids and my parents will still take various grandchildren for a day or weekend so their parents can have a small date/vacation.

My mother and I have different parenting styles but we established a rule early on with our kids - for the most part, when we are in Bubby's house, we follow Bubby's rules.

[sup]Bubby [sup]=[/sup] [sup]Grandma[/sup] [sup]in[/sup] [sup]Yiddish[/sup][/sup]

 

[joeboe]

@aog17 I really appreciate how much thought you’re putting into this decision, but as someone from the middle of a large family with the oldest and youngest 16 years apart, I loved my older siblings.

They had a more unstable childhood due to having younger parents and being kids of divorced parents, among other things, but they were so cool and treated me so well, I always adored them and feel closer to them than my siblings my age.

 

[jesse1354]

@aog17 Hi, OP!!! I have 4 siblings. Eldest is 8yrs older than me, 2nd is 5yrs older - and we get along quite fine. Youngest has the biggest gap. I am 8yrs older than our youngest.

We are all okay. My mom is turning 60 in a couple of years and has 2 wonderful grandkids and 1 in heaven the only problem that my siblings are experiencing is that the eldest is expecting us to take care of the kids while he's at work which sucks, tbh.

But as I can see.... you will be a wonderful mom to all your kids. I guess the older kids are at that stage where they need more guidance as they are still hurt with what the bio mom did. You can explain it to them and discuss things out - sort of like a preparation for them as well. I think its also important to give them the assurance that you guys would still be intact as a family should you decide to push through with having another kid.

 

[aog17]

@jesse1354 Thank you!! I agree that none of you should be taking care of the kids. Its great that you are all close even with the age gap, and that your mom got to meet her grandkids!

I will try my hardest to make sure all of my older kids are okay and dont feel excluded. I think it might be interesting to help some through college applications while having a newborn, lol.

 

[jesse1354]

@aog17 Welcome, OP. I hope you can get an approval for another kid older kids are just prob scared to have a few more sib because of what the bio mom did.

Im sure you guys can work things out you sound like a great mom for me.

 

[jesus65535]

@aog17 As the oldest child and a female I was 8 when my baby brother was born. Our other brother was 7. I was referred to as “the built in babysitter” and my mom would joke that my baby brother would be “great birth control” for me.

I ended up being his 2nd mom and while my other brother did whatever he wanted with no responsibility I was tasked with watching the little one. Never got paid and had to let him tag along on dates in high school.

Now I’m 37 and don’t have kids despite wanting them desperately. But by the time I felt ready to start a family after finally recovering from raising a kid that’s not mine for zero benefit at all and getting to live my own life, I might be too late. That “great birth control” worked a little to well.

So I think that as long as your 9yo isn’t expected to be a babysitter and always has the option to choose AND if you pay her fair market rate when she does babysit, you’ll be fine.

 

[aog17]

@jesus65535 Thank you! Also, im so sorry that happened to you. Im afraid the same thing happened to my 2 older girls from their bio mom. No child deserves that. I pray that you get to have a baby soon!!

 

[jesus65535]

@aog17 You sound like an amazing mom. Your taking the time to consider other perspectives in the matter is beautiful. Wishing us both luck going forward in making happy healthy babies!

 

[gberen523]

@aog17 I think the key is to ensure the older siblings aren’t unfairly stuck caring for the new addition. Helping out is one thing, but we’ve all heard stories of teens who raised their siblings, which is unfair to all kids involved.

 

[lonleftwingforjc]

@aog17 A lot of positive people here, and I'm not going to be one of them. Feel free to ignore this. For me it's relatively fresh and still raw.

I was married and had a child, then was divorced and remarried much later. My new partner is and was amazing with my first child (who spends half their time at their other bioparent's house). Both houses had more children and my oldest is about 9 years older than any half-siblings.

At first it was fine. My 9 year old was sweet and kind and loved siblings.

Once my oldest became a teenager, it all started to go sideways. My teen is withdrawn, moody, dishonest, and all kinds of rough stuff. We'd be handling it fine, except the other house lets teen do whatever they want and actively encourages them to quit classes in school, skip school, etc. They also polluted anything we tried to do as a family. It's to the point that my oldest is at best a sullen and rude presence but more often is a bully. Nothing has helped convince them to treat siblings with kindness.

They since decided to stay, perhaps permanently, at the other house. My younger kids miss their older sibling, but seem kind of sadly happy to not be bullied. They tried reaching out via snapchat, which the teen does use and uses with their other half siblings, but the kids were rejected and were pretty sad. They came home from school excited to hear if their sibling sent them something and hadn't even had the friend request accepted. The teen has told me they wont.

Is it just the age difference? No. But that has made it REMARKABLY harder.

Also, I have to admit that having kids with this much time between means that I will have spent a minimum of 27 years raising kids. Since it doesn't stop at age 18, well... it's gonna be a long time, but that was 27 years with people you are caring for in your house.

For me, I don't regret having my 2nd round of kids. They are amazing and I love them. It's just that with this kind of spread of time it has made more hurt for us now than good and it means loooong decades of no time to ourselves. My partner and I realized today that in over ten years together we have had one weekend to ourselves and even that was a holiday with family where we were at a hotel so we spent most of the time with family at a relative's house.