In desperate need of a break but husband won’t let my mom help me

[sam77]

In the past my husband has said he doesn’t want our daughter to receive any clothes as gifts after age 1 because of the fear that getting the wrong size could cause body image issues (this is something I told him happened to me as a kid). Our daughter is 13 months and for one of her Christmas gifts, my mom got her a hand-knit cardigan at a craft show. It’s an objectively beautiful gift and we all absolutely love it. But on principle my husband is furious at my mom for crossing this boundary and says he wants to reevaluate whether she’s allowed to babysit based on the crossing of this boundary. In my mom’s defense I wasn’t very clear about this, and certainly haven’t been clear about it recently.

She hasn’t been allowed to watch our daughter since she was 2 months old, due to not properly following our bottle feeding instructions. I have moved past it but my husband hasn’t. I have had my issues with my mom in the past but I think there is complexity to mother daughter relationships that my husband does not understand. In the past couple weeks he has mentioned maybe being open to letting her try babysitting again but this puts us back at square one.

My husband travels for work very often, on average for a week every 5-6 weeks, and when my mom comes to help out she’s only allowed to help with the dog, not the baby. Since she’s not allowed to be alone with the baby at all, it’s extremely exhausting for me. I feel like my husband keeps moving the goal posts on having my mom be allowed to help, based on his own dislike of her. It bothers me that he is the only one who gets a say. I am a stay at home mother and the days can get very long especially when he is traveling. I am exhausted from doing all the daytime child care, all the cooking and chores etc and it’s getting exhausting to keep telling my mom excuses why she can’t visit for an afternoon to give me a break.

I don’t know how I am going to be able to handle 17 more years of this.

EDIT: thank you everyone for all your comments and for advocating for me, a random internet stranger. I had a conversation (well, argument) with my husband about all of this a few minutes ago and it basically ended that I’m the one who created the boundaries and the no-clothes-after-one rule, that I’m moving the goalposts, that we made all the decisions about my mom together and that I need to take responsibility for my actions. I feel like I’m absolutely losing my mind because I swear this isn’t the case. But he reiterated that everything he does is for our child’s well being. So idk.

EDIT 2: to everyone suggesting therapy, he and I have both been in individual therapy for nearly three years at this point and have had therapists in the past as well. I think this is a situation where therapy isn’t actually doing any good since no progress has been made.

 

[johnmedias]

@sam77 Hun this isnt healthy or normal.

 

[dawn16]

@johnmedias Right! This sounds extremely controlling. I mean unless the mum is an addict or something this is awful. Even the not buying clothes rule, she's 1 she's not gonna even think about that till she's much much older. Sometimes we don't realise we've been controlled until we're out if that situation.

 

[sam77]

@dawn16 She’s definitely not an addict! Again, I’ve had my issues with her but mother daughter relationships can be complex as I’m sure all of us here know intimately.

 

[brucepjr]

@sam77 Why do you keep saying “complex?” That sounds…. Not good.

 

[sam77]

@brucepjr Simply that nothing is black and white. She’s very image-conscious and has a toxic diet-culture outlook. I have been open with her about how I don’t want this to be a part of my daughter’s life and she does appear to understand.

 

[nevermore]

@sam77 Not to make excuses but I really do think that very few women from our mother’s generation made it through WITHOUT having weird/toxic views on bodies and food.

 

[nhquan85]

@nevermore Huh, you’ve just given me something to be grateful for. My mum has internalised a whole smorgasbord of weird and toxic views on bodies, gender, religion, politics etc etc but that one she skipped. Yay I guess.

 

[sam77]

@nevermore 100% this

 

[katrina2017]

@nevermore I'm going to think about this the rest of the night. Thank you

 

[emmamethew01]

@dawn16 Right? And when relatives want to buy my kids clothes, I tell them a size up. Room to grow. Kids go through clothes so fast, it's ridiculous to buy anything that just fits.

 

[sam77]

@johnmedias He claims to have many colleagues who don’t let grandparents babysit. While that may be true I feel like whatever issues there have been aren’t serious enough to warrant this situation continuing on and on.

 

[johnmedias]

@sam77 Ask if he would feel comfortable with you hiring a (vetted!) nanny or sitter so you can get a break. If he won’t accept anyone watching the baby other than you, there’s deeper issues at play.

 

[elrefale]

@sam77 Yeah for instance, my mom can’t babysit because she’s an alcoholic who once left wine out that my the. 2 year old drank. So she can’t babysit for obvious reasons. The cardigan thing is silly and I wish that was the worst I had against my kids grandparents

 

[sam77]

@elrefale Ugh. I am so, so sorry that happened with your mom and your toddler. That’s absolutely egregious. I wish my husband understood that the issues with my mom are non-issues.

 

[luther27]

@sam77 Lots of people he knows may not let grandparents babysit, but presumably it's something each couple has worked out together. My son will never be alone with my mom, with good reason and total agreement from both of us. Your husband is vetoing you getting the help you want from your mother for reasons that sound completely ridiculous. Why is it his decision alone? Are other things in your life together handled this way? This sounds controlling bordering on abusive.

 

[sam77]

@luther27 All the major decisions hinge on him, yes—mainly in the name of his career (what cities/states we move to and live in, etc). Since he’s always made more money than me I kind of just went with it because I 1) didn’t want to act entitled (I just don’t believe I deserve a say for some reason ) and 2) because I have always felt his needs outweigh mine. Not sure why, but that’s just how it’s been.

 

[luther27]

@sam77 This is so tough. I love being a SAHM, but I think it's unfortunately an attractive setup for controlling people. To some extent, it makes sense for the person earning the money to take some of the lead on big financial decisions (like moving or buying a house) but that requires so much trust and consideration from both parties. Like, for example, if my husband's company moved their office to another city, I'd definitely give a lot of input, but in the end I would probably give him the final decision on whether to stay or go. Because his opinion about the trajectory of his job (which supports the whole family) would be the most informed opinion. So, I'd defer to him in the end, not because I think his needs matter more than mine, but because I trust him to make the best decision for our collective needs as a family. It's such an important distinction. I think you mentioned in another comment that you have a therapist; I hope this is something you can talk through with them. Your needs matter as much as anyone else's! If your husband isn't taking your happiness into account, he's not someone you should trust with decisions about your life.

 

[brucepjr]

@sam77 I’m all for supporting your partner, but you’re enabling his nutty anxieties. A 1 year old might have body image issues? Come on.

Also, how bad was the bottle issue? Again, I’m a stand by your partner person, but it sounds like your partner is using this to isolate you. He doesn’t get to dictate what happens if he is going to be gone weeks while you’re left alone. If your mom is an abusive person then that would be different. Is she abusive and you can’t see it? Or is he isolating you? We don’t have enough information.

 

[sam77]

@brucepjr Not logging her feeds and diapers in our baby care app, and spilling a bottle of pumped milk (heartbreaking as any pumping mom knows, but I don’t think it was done on purpose). EDIT: genuinely curious about why I’m being downvoted so strongly for just answering the question. Would love any downvoters to please explain?