In desperate need of a break but husband won’t let my mom help me
- Thread starter sam77
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@sam77 He can choose that life for himself but he doesn't get to decide for you. You have the power to allow family and friend support in your life.
Parenting can be so isolating, accept the support when you can when it's helpful and respectful. You don't want your daughter growing up lonely and isolated. Kids need family and friends in their lives just as we all do. If he refuses, this is a form of abuse and you need to find safety away from him. Wishing you all the best
Parenting can be so isolating, accept the support when you can when it's helpful and respectful. You don't want your daughter growing up lonely and isolated. Kids need family and friends in their lives just as we all do. If he refuses, this is a form of abuse and you need to find safety away from him. Wishing you all the best
@sam77 The fact that you feel that way is a concerning reflection on the state of your marriage and I would reflect over whether being a SAHM is a safe situation for you. My husband never holds money over me and does not think he gets extra decision making power in the household because he earns a salary.
geneva0703
New member
@sam77 I am so sorry you're feeling this way. Staying home can be horribly isolating and vulnerable. But it shouldn't be THIS vulnerable. Even though you're in different roles performing different tasks, your husband should be able to view your contributions as equal to his own and to trust your judgment.
It might be worth starting to think through what plans might look like if things go sideways for you. I hope they don't, but it would be better to have SOMETHING, ANY resources lined up, rather than none. Reach out to someone safe in your life (a good friend?) who can check in and help if things get worse, look in to opportunities to earn/hide a little money just in case, maybe even talk to a lawyer. I'm not saying you blow up your life, marriage, family to start, but if things escalate, it would be good to start from above zero.
It might be worth starting to think through what plans might look like if things go sideways for you. I hope they don't, but it would be better to have SOMETHING, ANY resources lined up, rather than none. Reach out to someone safe in your life (a good friend?) who can check in and help if things get worse, look in to opportunities to earn/hide a little money just in case, maybe even talk to a lawyer. I'm not saying you blow up your life, marriage, family to start, but if things escalate, it would be good to start from above zero.
@defd2000 Thanks for this actual realistic advice. I think about this a lot. I am certain that if we were to break up, I would be cared for financially in the interem while I get a job, and would have his help in setting up a new place to live, getting a car etc. and would have access to half our assets.
favourgrace
New member
@sam77 I understand and apologize if my comment came off as insensitive. These discussions are difficult with limited knowledge.
I understand that you don't feel as if you have power right now. It is a difficult position to be in to be financially dependent on another.
My statement that you hold power over your life though still stands. As difficult and uncomfortable as it may be, you always have the power to change your circumstances/ life. That's not to say it won't take time, work, support, etc.
If you feel as if you're unsupported and in a toxic relationship then you can always begin to take steps to untangle your life from your husband's. I'm sure others that have separated can give more thorough advice, but some important things are beginning education or job training for you for employment. Also taking note of all assets and joint accounts and how much are in them.
I know first hand it's not easy, my heart goes out to you and I hope for peace for you and your daughter eventually.
I understand that you don't feel as if you have power right now. It is a difficult position to be in to be financially dependent on another.
My statement that you hold power over your life though still stands. As difficult and uncomfortable as it may be, you always have the power to change your circumstances/ life. That's not to say it won't take time, work, support, etc.
If you feel as if you're unsupported and in a toxic relationship then you can always begin to take steps to untangle your life from your husband's. I'm sure others that have separated can give more thorough advice, but some important things are beginning education or job training for you for employment. Also taking note of all assets and joint accounts and how much are in them.
I know first hand it's not easy, my heart goes out to you and I hope for peace for you and your daughter eventually.
@l22 Thank you. I really appreciate it. The worst part about it is knowing that even if we were to separate, my life would be very difficult and isolated because being separated wouldn’t change him not allowing my mom to help. If I go behind his back on that I am afraid he would use my “manipulation and lying” to get full custody of our daughter in order to keep her away from my family. So in essence I am trapped and that is why i am just trying my best every day to make sure everything is ok and that everyone is happy. It’s just a lonely place to be in and before posting this I just assumed it was a lot more common among Sahp’s than it appears to be. I am honestly really surprised that it’s not, and it makes me feel like I have been lying to myself for the past 14 years (and especially the last year) about everything.
@sam77 Don't let him get in your head! I'm not an expert, but I'm sure family court judges are used to seeing complex dynamics. If a "jury" of reddit strangers can unanimously agree that your husband is being unfair about your mom, it seems very likely to me that the court would see the same. Also you don't have to lie! You can tell him directly that you don't accept his decision about your mom babysitting your daughter. If you think the conversation might become volatile, you could consider recording it if that's legal where you live.
@sam77 I understand. While I'm not a lawyer, I can say with confidence that he can't keep your mom from helping you or interacting with the baby, especially if you all are separated. To do so he'd have to have evidence of her being neglectful or abusive to your child or she'd have to already have a court order to stay away from children. This doesn't sound like the case.
I understand you're in a delicate situation. I understand you need to keep the peace with him somewhat for you and your daughter. However I know how hard it is to be the main caregiver to an infant on top of taking care of dogs, the home, yourself. It's like drowning 24/7 and I feel that way with an incredibly helpful and supportive partner. I say all that to say please examine the cost to your mental and physical health and eventually your daughter's to placate your husband.
I hope you can get some guidance soon on how to begin to get to a better place and get all the love and support you need for parenthood now and beyond. It's such a tough, neverending job and we need all the support possible
I understand you're in a delicate situation. I understand you need to keep the peace with him somewhat for you and your daughter. However I know how hard it is to be the main caregiver to an infant on top of taking care of dogs, the home, yourself. It's like drowning 24/7 and I feel that way with an incredibly helpful and supportive partner. I say all that to say please examine the cost to your mental and physical health and eventually your daughter's to placate your husband.
I hope you can get some guidance soon on how to begin to get to a better place and get all the love and support you need for parenthood now and beyond. It's such a tough, neverending job and we need all the support possible
@sam77 The fact that you don't have friends that are just yours is also concerning. Did your husband have a hand in that? (For example, moving you away from friends, encouraging you to stop working outside the home, suggesting that you distance yourself from people he didn't approve of, etc?). Every comment of yours is so worrisome! I genuinely wish I could help you! If you happen to live in LA, let me know, seriously.
@luther27 I really appreciate you and SO WISH I was in LA, California is where I would love to live eventually. I definitely do have girlfriends that are more just mine but most of them do know and like my husband. Early on in our relationship I definitely lost the majority of my social circle and have since started over. He disapproves of a lot of people and dislikes a lot of people, especially those I knew before we got together. I still really miss a lot of those people but I feel bad that I basically just shut them out based on his disapproval. As for stopping working to stay home, I stopped working based on a variety of factors but never felt forced in that regard. We moved to a different state many years ago and for the past five or so years I have literally begged to please move anywhere else because I hate it so much here. But the career opportunities are too good, I suppose.
@sam77 I really wish you well and hope you take the comments here seriously. Reddit can definitely be overzealous in recommending ending relationships, but your situation sounds like textbook control and isolation. That's not healthy for you or your daughter. Maybe talk to an attorney, see if you might be able to stay with your parents as an informal, trial separation. I know you're in a vulnerable position, but there's always a way out.
lemondrops
New member
@lemondrops What I don’t understand is what the point of isolation is. I don’t understand how it benefits him.
ocean_soul
New member
@sam77 Isolation is a common tactic for someone looking to keep control over some/all aspects of their partner's life. It helps to establish and maintain their position in the power dynamic because there's no one around to call out the abusive behavior. Here's a short blog from Lundy Bancroft who literally wrote the book on abusive relationships. Google "Why Does He Do That? Pdf". There are free copies readily available online.