@thomasgreentiller Mostly about my family members—only occasionally about my friends. As I said in another comment, he dislikes most people.
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In desperate need of a break but husband won’t let my mom help me
- Thread starter sam77
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thomasgreentiller
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@sam77 This sounds very concerning OP. Your husband is trying to isolate you from family members (I read your comments about what your mom did, your husband is being completely unreasonable).
You’re burnt out and you need help. Why does your husband get the final say here when you’re doing all the heavy lifting? No.
Therapy for him or at the very least couples counseling. Please be aware of other warning signs. Stay safe OP!
You’re burnt out and you need help. Why does your husband get the final say here when you’re doing all the heavy lifting? No.
Therapy for him or at the very least couples counseling. Please be aware of other warning signs. Stay safe OP!
@sam77 A therapist can only help if he’s fully honest. He doesn’t even have to lie. He can omit things. Or his perception of things could be so far off base that the therapist doesn’t understand the reality of the situation.
Could you ask to go with him to a session to bring up your concerns? If he’s misleading his therapist, they’ll know after they hear your side, even if it’s never explicitly stated. And they won’t let it slide in future sessions. But they can’t do anything if they don’t know.
Could you ask to go with him to a session to bring up your concerns? If he’s misleading his therapist, they’ll know after they hear your side, even if it’s never explicitly stated. And they won’t let it slide in future sessions. But they can’t do anything if they don’t know.
@sam77 13 months is a bit insane to worry about body issues. I was thinking you were going to say 13 years.
My mom projected her own body issues onto me. I vowed not to do the same to my daughter. I have done so, more in how I talk to my daughter, than the clothes that she wears. Up until my daughter decided she only likes to wear certain things (which keeps changing) we happily accepted hand-me-downs. She's now 12 and we took hand-me-downs until about 2 years ago.
Your husband sounds controlling and is demanding restrictions on you without having to deal with the consequences. I agree with other that couples counselling sounds in order.
My mom projected her own body issues onto me. I vowed not to do the same to my daughter. I have done so, more in how I talk to my daughter, than the clothes that she wears. Up until my daughter decided she only likes to wear certain things (which keeps changing) we happily accepted hand-me-downs. She's now 12 and we took hand-me-downs until about 2 years ago.
Your husband sounds controlling and is demanding restrictions on you without having to deal with the consequences. I agree with other that couples counselling sounds in order.
theweebabyjesus
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@theweebabyjesus Regardless of how beneficial it is for our daughter not to be exposed to those toxic ideas, I am the one bearing the brunt of the hard work when he travels and I don’t have my mom to help me.
@sam77 Skimmed through some of the comments here and wanted to share my thoughts.
First of all, the clothing thing seems like an overreaction. I mean it's 100% your choice to say "no clothing gifts," but I think cutting someone off for messing up once (and right after the cutoff point if it's no clothing after 1 and she's 13 months) is just overkill. When my kid was a toddler, we told everyone not to buy more than 1 toy each at Christmas because we had received SO MANY toys the year before. My MIL did not stick to this, but we didn't cut her out of our life. We did start setting more boundaries like leaving extra toys at her house instead of taking them home, and reiterated to her that we didn't have space for all of this. Anyways, it sounds like the gift from your mom was a nice, thoughtful item (just one handmade piece). If you like it, I'd accept it and then maybe explain your rules to her again and say that next time, you won't be keeping clothing gifts. Or tell her to ask you before purchasing clothes, etc.
My point here is that there are tons of healthier, less extreme ways to uphold your rule and set boundaries other than cutting her out of your life.
As for allowing her to babysit or help you out, I think your husband is getting too much say in this decision right now. It is your mom and you are the one that needs her help. Maybe you all can take baby steps and not let her babysit alone if you're uncomfortable with it, but why not have her watch baby while you're still at home? You could use that opportunity to clean or take a nice bath or whatever lol. You'd still be close enough to oversee your mom, but still get some help from her.
You're a SAHM who seems to feel a bit overwhelmed. Your husband is out of town for a week every month or so, leaving you alone with a baby. It's entirely normal and reasonable to want some help under those circumstances. If your husband won't allow your mom to help (which he shouldn't be able to dictate anyway), then he needs to offer you some other help. Hire a cleaner, a nanny, whatever for when he's out of town. And he'd better be giving you breaks when he is around, too.
Overall, I agree with other comments here that this sounds unhealthy and possibly abusive. Isolating you from your own support network is controlling and a common tactic of abusers. At best, he just really dislikes your mom and is still being overly controlling about it. He doesn't get to cut people (especially your parents) out of your life. That's not his choice to make, period. You say that he doesn't like people in general, fine. My husband is the same way, he's just very introverted and prefers to have a very small social circle. But he does not tell me who I can or cannot speak to or spend time with. Just as you may need to set and enforce boundaries with your mom, you also need to set and enforce boundaries with your husband. Tell him that your mom is an important person in your life and you want to keep her in your life. He does not have to like her, but you are going to continue to see your mother. Tell him that you are struggling as a SAHM and you need help. Either he can accept that your mom will be around to help, or he needs to help you find (and possibly pay for) someone else. Don't let him tell you that you don't need any help- you're not asking for his opinion on this. Especially since you're alone for whole weeks at a time and I'm sure your husband isn't working 24/7 with no breaks. You shouldn't be expected to do that, either.
First of all, the clothing thing seems like an overreaction. I mean it's 100% your choice to say "no clothing gifts," but I think cutting someone off for messing up once (and right after the cutoff point if it's no clothing after 1 and she's 13 months) is just overkill. When my kid was a toddler, we told everyone not to buy more than 1 toy each at Christmas because we had received SO MANY toys the year before. My MIL did not stick to this, but we didn't cut her out of our life. We did start setting more boundaries like leaving extra toys at her house instead of taking them home, and reiterated to her that we didn't have space for all of this. Anyways, it sounds like the gift from your mom was a nice, thoughtful item (just one handmade piece). If you like it, I'd accept it and then maybe explain your rules to her again and say that next time, you won't be keeping clothing gifts. Or tell her to ask you before purchasing clothes, etc.
My point here is that there are tons of healthier, less extreme ways to uphold your rule and set boundaries other than cutting her out of your life.
As for allowing her to babysit or help you out, I think your husband is getting too much say in this decision right now. It is your mom and you are the one that needs her help. Maybe you all can take baby steps and not let her babysit alone if you're uncomfortable with it, but why not have her watch baby while you're still at home? You could use that opportunity to clean or take a nice bath or whatever lol. You'd still be close enough to oversee your mom, but still get some help from her.
You're a SAHM who seems to feel a bit overwhelmed. Your husband is out of town for a week every month or so, leaving you alone with a baby. It's entirely normal and reasonable to want some help under those circumstances. If your husband won't allow your mom to help (which he shouldn't be able to dictate anyway), then he needs to offer you some other help. Hire a cleaner, a nanny, whatever for when he's out of town. And he'd better be giving you breaks when he is around, too.
Overall, I agree with other comments here that this sounds unhealthy and possibly abusive. Isolating you from your own support network is controlling and a common tactic of abusers. At best, he just really dislikes your mom and is still being overly controlling about it. He doesn't get to cut people (especially your parents) out of your life. That's not his choice to make, period. You say that he doesn't like people in general, fine. My husband is the same way, he's just very introverted and prefers to have a very small social circle. But he does not tell me who I can or cannot speak to or spend time with. Just as you may need to set and enforce boundaries with your mom, you also need to set and enforce boundaries with your husband. Tell him that your mom is an important person in your life and you want to keep her in your life. He does not have to like her, but you are going to continue to see your mother. Tell him that you are struggling as a SAHM and you need help. Either he can accept that your mom will be around to help, or he needs to help you find (and possibly pay for) someone else. Don't let him tell you that you don't need any help- you're not asking for his opinion on this. Especially since you're alone for whole weeks at a time and I'm sure your husband isn't working 24/7 with no breaks. You shouldn't be expected to do that, either.
@akags Thank you so much for all of this. I really appreciate it. Today I have been telling him a lot of this and how I would like to have her help sometimes especially when he’s gone but he just keeps reiterating that she “stomps all over our boundaries.” I think his obsession with no clothing gifts is a bridge too far, and could be easily solved by just screening gifts before I show him what she’s given us. It’s just so exhausting and overwhelming to not only not have help, but also deal with the taxing task of keeping my family at bay and making up reasons we can’t see them.
@sam77 I’m sorry to read all of that. Sorry if I came off harsh and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I think it starts with a conversation on how the boundary wasn’t clear on your part. I’m not going to knock the boundary because we have boundaries on clothing as well and a lot of it for the same reasons.
I think it starts with a conversation on how the boundary wasn’t clear on your part. I’m not going to knock the boundary because we have boundaries on clothing as well and a lot of it for the same reasons.
@sam77 It was an honest mistake, nobody's fault. It sounds like it's a newish rule about the clothing, so it's understandable that someone might not fully understand or mess up on accident.
You don't have to be mad at your mom about it, and you don't have to be upset with yourself either. Just explain the rule to her better for next time! Maybe even tell her that if she sees clothing she really likes for LO, to just ask you about it first? Then you all can decide what you want to do with the clothing that's already been purchased.
You don't have to be mad at your mom about it, and you don't have to be upset with yourself either. Just explain the rule to her better for next time! Maybe even tell her that if she sees clothing she really likes for LO, to just ask you about it first? Then you all can decide what you want to do with the clothing that's already been purchased.
@sam77 This is really not okay. He is being so controlling. I know exactly how exhausting it is to be the constant primary parent, and then be completely alone when my husband is out of town. Having an extra set of hands is invaluable.
I think your only way past this is to try out couple’s counseling. Clearly your husband isn’t recognizing his issues or validating how you’re having a hard time. Maybe a pro can help him see the problems he’s causing!
I think your only way past this is to try out couple’s counseling. Clearly your husband isn’t recognizing his issues or validating how you’re having a hard time. Maybe a pro can help him see the problems he’s causing!
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