Imposible decision

[dan2804]

I’ve been waiting to try for 6 years now and we were together for 8 years before that. My husband always said he wanted kids and we’d had discussions years ago about me starting to take prenatal vitamins which I took to mean he was close to ready. 6 months ago or so he finally seemed ready and we tried a couple times but then I wanted to wait for a couple months because of a work thing. He was hesitating as I started bringing it up again so I basically said I’m going to have kids even if it’s not with you. He was surprised and a little hurt by this. I thought he knew that I definitely wanted kids but maybe I hadn’t communicated that clearly enough. I think he’s mostly over being hurt and he said he has been thinking about it very seriously because it’s important to me. However he’s feeling pretty sure he doesn’t want kids. Now I have an impossible choice to make. Posting here because I kind of want to sit with this on my own for a while before talking to friends but it’s also hard to hold it in just to myself. Please don’t call me dumb or naive or anything. Part of me is already kicking myself for not leaving years ago but the thing is I don’t want to leave him.

I’m still hoping he might change his mind. I’m planning to freeze my eggs in a couple months (wish I’d done it years ago!) and I guess revisit this after that. I’m turning 38 in April so at this point it might mean having kids on my own or not at all. And to be honest after being with him for so many years the idea of having kids with someone after just a couple years feels like I’d be doing it with a stranger (compared to a 14 yr relationship). I don’t want to give up my marriage but I also don’t want to give up being a mom.

 

[emma43]

@dan2804 I'm so sorry you're going through that. It's a really tough decision but one that you'll have to make, otherwise it might be too late for biological children if you wait for your partner to come around eventually. And he likely won't, from what you wrote. I don't know this from experience but from other stories: you don't want to have children with someone that isn't enthusiastic about it. Otherwise you will find yourself being the solo parent even in a relationship... Are you otherwise happy with your partner? If your relationship is more important than having children you might find joy in babysitting, being a temporary foster parent or helping out at facilities or events for children.

 

[dan2804]

@emma43 Yeah I have to think about that. I’ve always wanted kids even since I was a kid myself. I love kids and used to babysit a lot in high school, was a camp counselor etc. However it probably is worth reflecting on that a bit more since I’ve never actually questioned whether or not I want kids. It’s probably worth questioning that a little more before doing it. I do have some anxiety issues which I’m sure will be a challenge when there’s even more to worry about.

In terms of being a solo parent in a relationship, I might be ok with that. I’ve thought about it a bit. The thing that scares me the most about having a kid on my own is not having the emotional support of a partner when I’m struggling. And just feeling really isolated and lonely. I don’t have family nearby and my husband has been a good source of emotional support at other times in my life. I also think he would be a great dad even if he were only the fun parent, he’d be a positive factor in the kid’s life.

 

[joebo]

@dan2804 Oh no, this is so incredibly hard.

My brother and his fiancé are in a similar position. She wants kids and is about 37 yrs old, he’s 36 and not sure about it or leaning negative. They are so happy together in every other way. They don’t want to break up but this is a real problem for them.

They did go to therapy to discuss this more and I think it’s been helping them to understand each other’s point of view and be more honest about the situation. Hoping this will help them make the best decision together going forward. But it’s very complicated and there is the real potential of one of them ending up very bitter in the future if they give in to the other person’s wishes…

So please don’t feel like you did anything wrong. This is a more common problem than you think. In todays world, we are no longer expected to have kids like adults of previous generations. This is great because it allows people to really think through what they want to do, but it can also lead to decision paralysis because you just CANT know if you will be happy or stressed having a kid (though I’m pretty sure it’s both of those at different times)

I wish you all the best with this difficult situation. Sending you all the love

 

[dan2804]

@joebo Thank you! This helps.

I agree, generally I am very supportive of people not having kids and it’s great that is accepted now. I do regret not having more detailed conversations about it before we got married. Though age and energy levels is a factor and I think he did genuinely feel differently when we were younger.

 

[nzgrills]

@dan2804 This sounds very familiar to my story - my husband knew I had baby fever for years! My only active subs were WTT related. We got to our first try date and he was unsure since we were going to move and the job situation, etc. I could tell he was really hesitant and it made me so nervous. This spurred lots of conversations. It pretty much turned out that he had always imagined having kids but never thought more in depth until recently when he’s worried he doesn’t make enough in his job (in his eyes), the economy, the planet, etc. He had so much fear.

Then comes our second try date and we had a really in depth conversation - I told him I didn’t want him to be resentful having a kid because he knew I really really wanted one and he wants to stay with me. I would try to get an answer from him and it stressed him out more.

I showed him things like budgets and what we could afford. We talked about child care and etc. He was still nervous and didn’t really want to talk about it.

I know all stories like this don’t have a happy conclusion/ending (though I don’t want to quite say that because we’re all still on our journey), but he decided to try. He was not excited and I was worried, so I told him like we can’t try if you’re not wanting this. Then he said he is but he just can’t yet be excited.

TW: pregnancy

But we tried and got pregnant! And when I showed him that first positive test he smiled and laughed with joy. He has been so supportive, concerned about me, and happy about it! I think deep down the closer we got the more he thought about how hard it is to live in this world and how much he feels like a child deserves. I think something that clued me into the potential of him being an interactive dad is that he is always interacting and playing with our nieces and nephews. He gets so much joy from it.

It’s soooo common for all the fears to pop up the closer you get to a big life decision. For my husband I think that’s what really happened. These are tough conversations. I really hope that your situation is like mine. That he does want it but that the fear is what was causing all the fence sitting. And that he will show up when he’s needed to.

 

[dan2804]

@nzgrills Congrats! That’s great news! I am definitely still a little hopeful. My husband started a new job a few months ago after working for himself (not always full time) during the pandemic. Having time for himself on top of a full time job and managing all the day to day tasks in life seem to be his biggest concerns. And that’s fair. We already don’t cook at home or exercise as much as we think we should. The planet also came up in our case even though he claims to generally be an optimist.

Haha yeah we don’t have young nieces or nephews but I used to joke that if he loved our kid half as much as he loved his cat, we’d be in good shape (both our cats, both old, recently passed which isn’t helping me any. Also he sees that as new found freedom and I see that as now all I have to nurture is plants. Though he does want another cat eventually)

 

[magembe]

@dan2804 I'm sorry, this is an impossible decision. Do you have access to couple's therapy?

No one can tell you what the right decision is for you, but I think talking through your husband's feelings on kids with a professional would be helpful, I'm unclear on what made him go from wanting kids to not wanting kids.

I think if you are telling your husband things like "I'm going to have kids with or without you" your marriage might already be over. I understand where it comes from, but those are very strong and hurtful words. If my husband ever said that to me it would destroy me.

For me, my marriage comes first. If I lost it my desire to have kids would change pretty dramatically. I want kids because I want a family with him. Only you can really know if ending your marriage over kids is the right call for you though.

 

[dan2804]

@magembe I think it was going back to working full time after doing some consulting during the pandemic which was often less than full time. Also getting older, he’s 10 years older than me and even I’m noticing that I have less energy than I used to.

I do have a tendency to worry about the relationship ending when we have difficult conversations which can be a problem. I’m trying to spiral less but in this case I think it was good I said that because it made him realize how important it was to me and he’s been thinking about the question on his own when he’s out on a walk etc.

I’ve wanted kids since long before I met him so although I like the idea of having a family with him, the idea of having a family predates him. I regret not having more detailed conversations about that earlier in our relationship. Though I think it may be a case, like some of the other replies said, where once it gets to be a real possibility some people start thinking about it differently (or maybe just temporarily panicking )

 

[alfaofbetas]

@dan2804 I personally don't have an issue with you phrasing it so bluntly, because it is true and your husband needs to understand the gravity of the issue at hand.

I am back WTT after we reached our trying date and my husband freaked out a bit. This was very hurtful and worrying for me. We talked it out and we now have a new date, about two months after the original. He needed some breathing space to deal with the emotions that came up. But always through this he reassured me that he wanted kids and wanted to try. 'when' is very different to 'if'.

If my husband turned out to be infertile, I wouldn't leave him, I vowed sickness and health. But if he decided he didn't want children, our marriage would end. Because it would be the only way for me to have children and the marriage wouldn't survive the resentment, anger and betrayal anyway.

I'm sorry you're in this position, it's incredibly difficult and scary, i can't even fully imagine how you feel.

 

[shibolet]

@dan2804 That's so tough. I was in a relationship with a similar issue. It turned out he didn't want kids, but we split for many different reasons.

There is still hope. But it's a "shit or get off the pot" (sorry gross) type of situation especially when you're feeling ready and he isn't. I think it's good that you told him how you feel. I'd rather raise a kid alone than do it with a partner who didn't want to do it with me

 

[dan2804]

@shibolet Yeah, I’m hoping freezing my eggs will at least help with my anxiety about the situation. But I’m still basically out of time if I want any chance of finding a different partner.

 

[dan2804]

Thanks for the sympathy and advice everyone. It helps. And while I wish no one had to go through this it helps me feel less alone to hear the similar stories you shared.

 

[demothro]

@dan2804 Know you’re not alone. I went through something similar with my husband 2 years ago. He always said he wanted kids and then all of a sudden he was reconsidering, said that he would be fine without them too. My reaction was pretty much like yours, said that I would not give up having my own family and (I know this is wrong) threatened divorce.

I cried for days and the few people I told were not supportive, they told me to get a divorce asap. I decided to have a calm conversation with him and I pretty much said how much I love him, but I could not give up being a mom for him or anyone else. Then I let it go and gave myself a 6 month timeline, where I would not bring it up and would give him time to process this on his own. He slowly brought up the topic more and more and we agreed on a timeline.

This may not be the case for everyone but I wonder if a lot of men are just not conditioned to be fathers like we are. He opened up to me and said he was just terrified by the idea. We may not stick to that timeline as life just threw a couple curveballs at us but at least we’re clear on where I stand.

My advice is give yourself time and have open hearted conversations. Try not to let the anger take over, I know how hard this is. I’m close to you in heart and good luck.

 

[dan2804]

@demothro Thank you so much for the kind words. I am trying to better articulate why I want kids and what I’m looking forward to, because I do share his concerns about how kids would fit into our already busy lives, but I’ve just always wanted kids and have never really tried to explain why.

He just had a big deadline at a new job so I’m hoping he might feel differently in a few months. I’m going to freeze my eggs in the next couple of months and then see what he’s thinking at that time. Hopefully he comes around like your husband did!

Sorry to hear that life threw you some curveballs. Hope that you’re hanging in there.

 

[jasonwrites]

@dan2804 I’m so sorry! What a tough situation to be in! in your shoes i would be pretty mad at my husband. go get your eggs frozen!

 

[person721]

@dan2804 I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t wish this on anyone. You indeed have a lot to think about.

I was in this exact situation a few years ago. My now ex husband and I got married with the understanding that kids were on the table. He dropped the bomb that he didn’t 1 year after we got married (together for 6 years). He said he might be able to “put up with them” if I really wanted them. But expressed that he didn’t want me to leave.

Ultimately it came down to two things. It wasn’t fair to either of us to have kids when one wasn’t 1000% into it. That would create an incredibly horrible dynamic for kids to grow up into. They would know one parent wasn’t 100% into wanting them. And it wasn’t fair for me to give that up. I also knew I wasn’t going to be happy just being the baby sitter or the aunt. So ultimately I decided to leave him. It was incredibly hard.

That was 7 years ago, and I’m now remarried and have one child who has the most amazing dad.

I’m not saying to do what I did. You just have to think about a lot and think about what you see in your future and trust your gut. Also be open to your husband about it. We can always hope they’ll come around… but it’s not usually the case. But it’s worth being open to them about the conflict that is going on in your heart.

 

[dan2804]

@person721 Thanks. That’s a good point. I would definitely never want kids to feel unwanted. I’m kind of worried my husband is just scared and might be deciding against something that he would actually enjoy out of fear but maybe I’m just telling myself that because I want him to come around.

I’m glad to hear it worked out for you! One of my fears is that since I’m turning 38 next month, it might be too late for me to find someone else to have kids with. I’m also trying to decide if I would want to have kids on my own.