If a parent misses a visit does he make up for it next the weekend?

[junipermints]

TLDR: ex won’t make up for missed visits, is this reasonable?

My ex sees my daughter every other weekend. He won’t see her for any extra days (including holidays)..he wants to stick to the schedule and only the schedule which is every second weekend.

When my ex cancels a weekend with her instead of just seeing her the following weekend to make up for it, he misses the next weekend just to keep to the original “schedule”.

Now this weekend she has a sports day at her new school and he is having a fit about it because he cancelled weekend before last because he was sick. I told him he can just see her next weekend then but he said no he doesn’t want the schedule to change. Schedule wouldn’t really change it would still be every second weekend just on a different weekend

She’s 8 now but soon her social calendar will fill up in her preteens to teens and surely he will need to compromise if she wants to do something important on his weekend? Surely some flexibility is needed?

I mean it’s still a schedule if it’s every second weekend but it changes/resets around cancellations no?

I can’t imagine any practical reason for this inflexible approach he has. He isn’t a socialite and not the type to have plans years in advance. I honestly don’t care if he sees less of her I love having her home - but I worry how it affects her. She says things like “why didn’t dad want to see me”. She notices these things.

Am I taking crazy pills? Is this fair?

Ps to be clear none of this is discussed around my daughter she has no idea. I never paint him to be the bad guy I’m not into parental alienation tactics having that been done to me as a kid. I’m not new to this game he left when she was a newborn so I’ve been doing this coparenting thing for 8 years now. It’s just a now issue because my daughter has started questioning things

TIA

 

[biblebeliever70]

@junipermints Unfortunately this reminds me of visits with my dad as a kid. Visits stopped happening regularly and then he just moved away and disappeared into the wind.

This can be hard on your child if she knows the schedule should be every other weekend. Having been the child in this exact scenario, I would consider discussing with him if he wants to make the schedule one weekend a month and then he can surprise her for a second visit if he’s able. Even at 6 I knew when it was supposed to be dad’s weekend and he didn’t come.

 

[lommakiter]

@junipermints Imagine being a parent and getting sick and just canceling being a parent during that time…that’s a luxury you don’t have! What a joke. Your schedule (and your daughter’s) changes every time he cancels, but he only cares about his schedule. I’m sorry you both are dealing with this. You both deserve better. We have my stepson 50% of the time, and would never cancel. Our schedule changes based on preplanned holidays etc, and one time his mom’s house had Covid, we kept him here longer as there was no point exposing him unnecessarily, but the decisions were made for his best interest. Your ex needs to change his perspective, but he won’t. Your daughter will grow sick of this (like I did with my father) and their relationship will fall apart. She’s lucky to have a stable, consistent parent like you.

 

[corumab]

@lommakiter My ex cancels because LO is sick and now he’s suing me for 50/50 with him having primary soooooo yeah

 

[huffnpuff]

@corumab I see this tactic a lot, and it’s usually because they want to avoid paying child support.

 

[corumab]

@huffnpuff His finances show he’s in the red before he pays his cc and me

 

[lommakiter]

@corumab

 

[silkybunny]

@junipermints You can't force someone to be involved if they don't want to be. Even if he actually does want to be involved and is just unmotivated or unorganized, he needs to figure that out for himself.

 

[junipermints]

@silkybunny My question wasn’t really “can I force my ex…” it was more me wanting to know if he or I are being unreasonable and what do other parents do with cancellations

 

[silkybunny]

@junipermints If he cancels, he forfeits his time. Unless you want to make your own arrangement for him to have a weekend then you can do that but there may come a day when you want to go according to the court order and that will be tricky when you've made so many accommodations for him to see your daughter. Hindsight is 20/20. I'm just speaking from experience

Also, when he cancels, have him call and talk to your daughter. You could hold him responsible for his canceling time with her in that regard. If he can't get it together and be there for her, then there is nothing you can do about it, but be there for your daughter emotionally.

 

[beotos]

@junipermints Your idea is actually how I handled my son’s dad canceling for almost 8 years and I’ve had it. I tried to be flexible because everyone said the judge would be mad at me for not working with my ex but it snowballed into an uncontrollable mess. It actually made my son more stressed after his dad canceled his make up weekend several times and he has so much anxiety.

 

[teresabw]

@junipermints Can he not just come to the sports day? I don't understand why her having sports day means he had to forgo his weekend as scheduled, surely he would just take her to and from sports day and work his plans with her around that.

To answer your question though, in short no, if I am sick and I ask my sons Dad to keep him an extra day for example, I wouldn't expect to have that day made up elsewhere. However, if I have an event coming up that is on one of his days, I'll offer him an opportunity to make up for that lost time (however, more often than not he just sticks to the usual schedule and accepts the lost day here or there, we have some flexibility and sometimes I need him to take our son for an entire weekend so ultimately, it balances out over the year and we don't stress about it).

 

[junipermints]

@teresabw He refuses to take her to the sports day. We live 40min away. He doesn’t go to any of her school events (hasn’t since birth). He only does the schedule.

If he misses a weekend then it means she won’t see him for a month. I don’t think that’s cool. But maybe it just means it’s not my job to make him see her…it’s my daughters feelings I’m trying to save here.

 

[kmariah]

@junipermints Does this man want a daughter? Because I feel like he doesn’t.

My sons dad only has him at weekends because he lives 50 minutes away. But he has him extra days in the holidays when he can, and I let him know of every single school event so he has the choice to go too. Even if we have a schedule, things can be moved around if talked about in advance.

The fact that he’ll stick only to the schedule and not try and get as many opportunities with her as he can, makes my heart break for your poor girl.

 

[teresabw]

@junipermints

dad only has him at weekends because he lives 50 minutes away. But he has him extra days in the holidays when he can, and I let him know of every single school event so he has the choice to go too. Even if we have a schedule, things can be moved around if talked about in advance.

The fact that he’ll stick only to the s

Ok, in that case then it's completely on him to step up and be a parent. It's fair enough if every now and then he needs to reschedule and doesn't end up seeing her for a month but to do it on the regular and make no effort to include her prescheduled activities if they overlap with his scheduled time is incredibly selfish and I don't know how he intends to develop a lifelong relationship with his daughter behaving this way. You're a good Mom to do so much to try and protect your daughters feelings but unfortunately, there's only so much you can do and it's unavoidable that he's going to leave her feeling let down. Just make sure that there's no doubt in her mind that his actions are a reflection on his character alone and have nothing to do with her. Build her self worth so high that nothing he does will ever make her feel less than or like her self-confidence is tied to any man. But unfortunately, if he's not making an effort, you can't do anything to change this.

 

[drybomber]

@junipermints I can appreciate his want to keep a consistent schedule, that's how my brain works it too, and I like to plan in advance, but it does sound sad for your daughter.

Would he consider seeing her for part of his weekend if she isn't available for the full weekend? Like could he pick her up after sports day and just see her for one night etc (obviously depends on how this usually works for you both)

 

[junipermints]

@drybomber I’ve asked this and he refuses this. He is so inflexible.

I understand not wanting to change the schedule I like being organised too but if there are some hiccups we can’t control (like illness or a school event) then surely in these cases flexibility is needed rather than zero contact. He won’t even call or video call her in these missed weekends which blow my mind.

 

[mooches1]

@junipermints Is he autistic? Or very rigid and regimented in other areas of life?

 

[junipermints]

@mooches1 Honestly I think he might which is something I could work with but I also think he is just incredibly selfish and never takes responsibility for things. For instance he really enjoys drinking which isn’t a kid friendly activity and so he wants his weekends to do what he wants is my assumption. He was like that in our relationship prior. He always looked after no1 - himself.

Not that it matters but when I was pregnant he hated the change. He wouldn’t touch me, he hated that I didn’t go out drinking with him anymore. He rejected the change completely even though we planned to have our daughter. He began an affair in my third trimester and in a very calculating way he left when she was 2 weeks old. He had already sorted his finances out and was well prepared while I just had the carpet ripped from beneath me. He had zero emotion nor empathy which I attribute more to narcissism than autism.

 

[mooches1]

@junipermints Yeah, kinda sounds narcissistic