I want my 17 year old daughter out of my house… I think

[lakatide]

I’m a single mother of 2 daughters, 14 and 17. Through tons of hard work, sacrifice, and grace, I was able to pull the three of us up from poverty into a reasonably comfortable life. We literally went from being homeless to being homeowners in a very good neighborhood with great schools and all of the opportunities a family could hope for in less than 2 school years. (And by homeless, I mean I gave up my apartment at the end of a lease and moved in with my mother to pursue a new career path… but believe me, it was as close to homeless as you can get without pitching a tent. Just trust me on that)

Their abusive absentee father was released from prison this past August after serving an 8 year sentence for beating and sexually assaulting his girlfriend. My 14 year old couldn’t care less and wants nothing to do with him but my 17 year old feels that she’s missing out by not having had him around.

That was just a little background info.

Despite being in a great neighborhood and all of that good stuff, my 17 somehow managed to find the worst possible people to call her friends.. which resulted in switching her to a different high school in her sophomore year, only for her to attach herself to an even worse crowd of kids who she skips school, smokes pot, and does god knows what else with.

Yesterday I took her cellphone after catching her smoking pot in her bedroom. When I went through her phone, I discovered that she has been sneaking her “boyfriend” into our home in the middle of the night and having sex while her sister and I are asleep. Upon discovering this, I went to Walmart at 6am and purchased a pregnancy test, and a box of industrial grade garbage bags and told her to pack up her shit… and take the pregnancy test (which luckily came back negative).

There are tons more layers to this story but those are the basic facts. I’ve tried sending her to therapy but she outright told me she’s not going to tell the therapist anything… she’s been posting trashy pictures on social media… etc. all the while putting on a meek and childlike act when in the presence of myself and her sister.

I dont know, I just feel like I’ve tried everything to help her and to give her a good life and her behavior and decision making is just getting worse. I’m very approachable and make myself available to talk about anything and everything. I love her dearly and would do whatever it takes to help her but I’m at my wits end and I’m afraid it’s going to get to the point where I don’t like her or want anything to do with her. I’ve got no family that I could call on to help offer support or even ship her off to if necessary… at this point I don’t feel comfortable with her in my home.

Sorry if I’m rambling. I’m so stressed by this, I wasn’t even able to sleep last night. I should probably just go to bed. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[giamfreeg]

@lakatide I’m parent to a 16yo boy

Throwing your 17yo out to the streets and / or letting her depend on the wrong crowd, will lead you nowhere. Trust me on this - to use the phrase you have used

Get her birth control. Explain you are disappointed by her behavior (sneaking etc) but she’s close to becoming a grown up and her actions have consequences.

Explain her that you want her to become a happy and self sufficient member of society, achieve her goals and be successful on her own terms. Figure out together how to get there. Where does she see herself work-wise and what’s needed to get there ?

Do not drop the ball now. You have worked too hard to let your daughter fail

Also, her choices and bad decisions are not about you. They are about her and her future. Until you make it about yourself, you won’t get through to her

Enlist all the external support you can get to make progress. Ob gyn, social worker, school counselor. Not like « my daughter is a scumbag, can you help » but more like « my daughter has started her sex life, she needs contraception »; « my daughter is unsure about college options, can you explain what your college has to offer » etc

 

[sean94]

@giamfreeg This is good! I would say keep the birth control to something she does not have to take every day.

 

[missjo]

@sean94 I was going to advise the same. Take her to a GYN. Have her tested for STDs (maybe that would wake her up??) and have her get the injectable or implantable birth control. Also, buy her some boxes of condoms.

Ideally, you’ll want to do this ASAP. One, due to the sexual consequences, including but not limited to no abortions, but also due to her age. Once she becomes 18 years old, all bets are off.

As one single mom to another, I really know how difficult teenager daughters can be.

Please try not to push her out (unless you and your other daughter are endangered).

Maybe you can write her some caring notes (that only she knows about) and try to get her to trust you and confide in you. Set up some“symbol” texts of a couple of emojis where she can signal you to know if she’s okay, needs space, or needs help. My teen and I set up “green” “yellow, and “red” ones. It has really helped. It took time, but eventually, she would open up and talk to me (some).

While you may not have much back-up available to you, come back here for support. Know that you’re not alone in this.

Sending you lots of peace, {{hugs}}, and strength.

 

[michaelo]

@lakatide I am proud of you. You have worked so hard!

But your daughter still has had all that trauma, in addition to normal developmental teen hormones & selfishness. Teens experiment with drugs and have sex, even without having an absent, incarcerated father and living with financial insecurity for years — which studies show impacts their emotional and physical well-being life-long, even if you have managed to provide the life that you have now. With respect, you keep saying “I have tried…” but that horse is out of the barn, or in other words, it does not matter, she still suffered — you need to look at where she is now…and just grieve what you wanted, so you can accept what you have = a daughter who you love so much but is coping with teen years, parental abandonment, etc. through risk taking behavior, peer attachments with low expectations, and sexual attention of teen and likely adult males.

I personally do not think I would put my 17-year-old teen out of my house for these infractions, and my kids have been in a financially stable, 2-person home. I would prioritize birth control to assure she dies not get pregnant, finishes school, and develops a work ethic. Following that, the 3 things, you listed, I tackle would her online media presence, as I do think that has the potential of largest risk of repercussions, for future employment, if someone googles her. I would try to see if I could find any motivations in her life, even, OK, boyfriend can come over, with the stipulation, you come with me to therapy twice a week, and you avoid posting nudes or sexually provocative pics.

Good luck, I do think you might benefit from your own therapist as well, to allow you to process all of this! I am so sorry your family is going through it. It is so hard! hugs I hold 2024 brings a better time for both you and your daughter.