I want a baby- how do I keep a social life?

[daniel83]

Hi, I'm 23f. I guess I've always been a little baby crazy, but it's more of an abstract thought process than an actual biological concern at the moment. I was a relatively easy baby and so was my partner, but I also know that my parents had a lot of support that I might not have because of money and distance.

I have been talking to my partner about this pretty much ever since we have been together, because I didn't want to spring it on them. We have agreed we will try in a few years.

But because I'm slightly baby crazy, I have already been looking at articles about parenting and anecdotes about that thing someone's kid did, and cute videos.

I guess I'm not sure if I trust myself to really be ready for the hard stuff? I want a baby really badly (not badly enough that I'm going to move up the plans, don't worry!) but I also want to keep the friends I have made now who aren't necessarily planning for kids. I want to keep doing stuff like DnD, but as my partner pointed out, that kind of thing takes the kind of planning that is really hard with a baby/small child, let alone when we want to play uninterrupted for 4ish hours, even if we're hosting.

I don't feel comfortable talking to my parents about this, because they would probably presume that I was hiding a pregnancy and trying to bring it up subtly. Plus, they moved overseas shortly after they had me and so their social scene was mostly made up of other parents and coworkers, so they wouldn't really Get It. Likewise, my MiL had children after my partner (the oldest) and I don't think she's really been able to get her life back as a result. I don't want to rub it in, and I don't know if she herself has been able to maintain friendships post-baby.

Edit: Just to clarify, I am not going out all the time as is. I just finished a master's degree, and we really only see two friends once a week together (for DnD). And this is all way off in the future, 7 years at least. Please don't worry, but thank you for looking out for me!

 

[hiwaystar]

@daniel83 if you want to have both a baby and a social life then really the only thing to do is to have babies when all of your friends start having babies. if you have kids before everyone else they won't be on your wavelength.

i had my first kid at 32, was the first one of my group of friends to go through it, and lost touch with a lot of people as a result. they weren't ready, emotionally. now that they're all starting to go through it a few years later we're reconnecting, but our kids are different ages so i prefer to hang out with the moms who have kids my age. and/or my childfree friends who stuck around after baby was born.

I guess I'm not sure if I trust myself to really be ready for the hard stuff?

Again, you're 23, so that's a really good instinct to have!

I also want to keep the friends I have made now who aren't necessarily planning for kids

Way easier when you're older too. Kids or no kids, most folks' social lives quiet down in their 30s. Like you still see people a healthy amount but it's not the party-to-party roller coaster that it is in your early to mid 20s.

that kind of thing takes the kind of planning that is really hard with a baby/small child,

harder but not impossible presuming you have support, especially as your kid gets older. first 4-6 months? you won't even want to lol. after that you carve out the time...especially with a partner who's willing to take the lead while you're out...not to mention childcare.

I don't feel comfortable talking to my parents about this

well...you're gonna have to at some point if you wanna sus out how much help and support you're going to have. i think being clear that you're not ready but that you're starting to think about it should do the trick, right?

their social scene was mostly made up of other parents and coworkers,I don't think she's really been able to get her life back as a result

so...now this is making me think you don't really have realistic expectations about what the social life of a parent looks like. my advice? don't have kids until you're willing to completely walk away from all of it. that way you won't be disappointed when, inevitably, your life changes with a kid in the picture.

 

[daniel83]

@hiwaystar Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to reply, especially so in depth!

You make a really good point about other people having babies at the same time. I think I am just worried about it going forward because several of our friends have indicated that they don't want kids at all. And that's fine, and that's their choice! I just hope that they become like the childfree friends that stick around that you mentioned. I have talked above about my anxieties but I think I am also scared of losing really good friends. We don't hang out all the time, we mostly just meet up once a week as it is, and I have drifted away from enough friends in the past to be able to see writing on the wall. However, the fact that this is expected and normal is really reassuring, thank you.

I will eventually talk to my parents about this stuff, especially when it becomes more realized, but thank you. Really, truly thank you. You're right that I should, because my mom will have good advice about it.

I think you're also right that I am not ready, partially because I don't understand my parents' point of view. However, I have always felt that we all kind of leaned on each other when I was in the house, since we moved around to different countries on the expat circuit so much. It was hard for me to make new friends, and I think it might have been hard for my parents too. One notable family that we have kept in touch with might have been because they ended up on the same circuit as us. I know that my mom is beginning to reconnect with old friends now that I am out of the house and my younger brother is beginning to leave, but they were all friends she made later. I don't know if my dad has any friends besides his college roommate. I guess part of my anxiety is based on that; my parents have a great relationship, and I am happy that they love each other so much, but I want to be sure that I can still /have/ a social life once the children grow up. That may sound selfish, sorry.

Thank you again, so so much.

 

[childofgod49]

@hiwaystar How far apart are your kids from your friend's kids? My best friend is currently pregnant but I am not planning on having a kid for 2 more years so I am hoping 2.5 years isn't too far apart for them to be friends (or at least willing to tolerate each other while I see my friend).

 

[hiwaystar]

@childofgod49 i don't think it's too far of an age gap! plus, at around 2.5 they might be thinking about having another one and that kid's age will be really close to yours. what is important to remember is that the gap feels HUGE at first. that said, it's also very temporary and relative -- while it feels VERY big when you have a newborn and they have a 2.5 year old, it is a lot more manageable when their kid is 5 and yours is 2, for example. and obviously it decreases in severity as they get older.

so i wouldn't worry. we also did keep touch with friends who didn't have kids or who already had kids, it's not a hard and fast rule. i'm talking more about the people who have kids in their 20s versus those who have kids in their 30s. like in OP's case, if she has kids at say 25, and you're her friend and aren't planning kids until your 30s...that's a big gap. it becomes more about your own maturity than that of your kids if that makes sense.

it's unrealistic to expect you'll be able to continue to go clubbing with your childfree friends at 25 if you have a kid is all i'm saying

 

[childofgod49]

@hiwaystar We've actually already discussed it and she is going to be shooting for #2 the same time I'm shooting for #1. I'm also planning on having my kids about a year apart (I have to use a surrogate and logistically it makes the most sense to sign contracts for #2 when #1 is born).

This friend is the first to get pregnant in my group of friends but another is actively trying and pretty much everyone is planning on starting to try within the next 5 years so I'm kinda hoping my college party friends will gradually transition into my family picnic friends.

 

[hiwaystar]

@childofgod49 i think you have a good shot of that from where i'm sitting

 

[nisa]

@daniel83 Priorities and planning. If you want to have a social life and kids, then you need to plan your time carefully. Also be prepared to pay a lot for childcare.

 

[daniel83]

@nisa You're right, it would take a lot of planning. I should really take that into account, thank you. I'm just worried about "the best laid plans of mice and men" and all that. But still, having a general plan/routine should help, and give us contact with the outside world that isn't baby related.

You're right that we might need to pay a lot for childcare. We're in the UK, and from what my partner has said a lot goes towards childcare anyway. But you're right-- it's one thing for them to be in nursery during the day, and another for them to be with a trained babysitter at night.

 

[2tim_215]

@daniel83 Honestly, your social life will take a hit- especially if you breastfeed. Worth it though, and it's not for long in the scheme of things.

 

[daniel83]

@2tim_215 That's a fair point, and thank you! Honestly we weren't really planning on breastfeeding, mostly for the routine of formula and allowing my partner to have as much input, but we might revisit that bridge when it actually comes time to cross it so to speak.

Thank you for your advice and kind words. I have been kind of worried with all the stuff I have seen that people wish they knew more, that they felt unprepared, and I don't want to be resentful of a person who never asked to be created in the first place when it was my choice to begin with. I am really worried about that, to be honest.

 

[2tim_215]

@daniel83

I don't want to be resentful of a person who never asked to be created in the first place when it was my choice to begin with. I am really worried about that, to be honest.

There will come a time when you won't mind the thought of staying in, or watching cbeebies instead of Pointless, or going to Peppa Pig World instead of Thorpe Park. And it's not just because you're ready for a baby, it's just what happens as you grow up. Nights out turn into take aways round a friend's, weekends bingeing Netflix in your pjs turn into DIY and gardening. At some point, your social life won't be what it is now, and you won't resent the difference.

 

[daniel83]

@2tim_215 Thank you. Really, honestly thank you. It's good to hear that while it will be a big change, that it's /change/ not necessarily just loss. We're pretty much homebodies as it is right now, and I don't mind that changing (albeit for different reasons) but it's nice to hear that I might also change for the better in a way.

 

[oldsaint]

@daniel83 Unless you plan on dumping the baby solely on your partner for many hours at a time expect your social life to take a huge hit, especially those first 3-4 months. Having a baby is a huge lifestyle change. I was 32 when I had my first and it was a huge shock to me, so much so I wish I’d waited even longer than I did to live my life a little bit more before I had to devote it all to one person. Your life just won’t be the same after a baby, that I assure you.

 

[daniel83]

@oldsaint Hello, and thank you for your advice!

Don't worry, I am not that much of a social butterfly, haha. I like playing DnD, but with my partner as well.

I get that having a baby is a huge, huge change, but I am also worried about having a baby too late? I shouldn't be, my parents had me late (35 for my mom, 42 for my dad) but I am terrified of missing a window even though it's still wide wide open and will be for some time.

I think what I have learned since posting this ask is that I have a lot of anxieties about having a baby in general that are coming out under the banner and the idea of the social life-- it's one change, but it's a big one. I have had difficulties in the past making friends, and I don't want to lose the ones I have, let alone cause my partner to lose their friends because we are devoted to the Cause of The Baby.

 

[jwright]

@daniel83 If you are a couple years away from this then you are very early in posting this question. But if you want the truth if this is your biggest concern about being a parent one day -loosing your social life- then you are definitely not ready for a baby. They take time, energy and your social life will likely take a huge hit. Once you have a baby you will want to align yourself with others who are likeminded and have kids too. Your priorities should and will shift to being around people who’s kids your child can play with. You may not loose all your friends but if he friends are not also having kids they will only want to hear about that “funny poop blow out” so many times before they are not into it. And you will not be able to play DND uninterrupted for several hours. If you are hosting you would feel the need to check on baby a lot and when baby wakes you just never know how long it will take to get them back to sleep.

I’m not telling you to never have kids but I am telling you that you said this is a one day I want this thing that should for now stay as a one day I want this. To get your baby fix try baby sitting. It’s fun for a couple hours, you get paid some extra cash and you give them back to their parents at the end.

 

[daniel83]

@jwright First off, I wanted to thank you for your response. This is my first post on Reddit, and the responses I have gotten have been really helpful.

I am early in posing this question, but I get anxious. I guess it's more that I want reassurance for my partner's sake as well, since they're not as baby crazy as me and I want them to enjoy it as much as I do without having to make too many sacrifices. It's not my biggest priority, but it is something I feel like I can have control over, at least at this juncture. I can't really control fertility on either side, and I can't worry about the baby until it is more of a physical concept or I will drive myself mad. (As you can probably tell, I am a very anxious person, haha...)

You're right that my social needs will probably shift, and I may not be able to relate to my friends as much, but I hope that I might be able to keep that in check with your warning, and not try to give them too many stories about something I know they don't care about. Thank you for reminding me of that, truly.

You're also right that I would feel anxious about the baby, especially if it's particularly new, and this might disrupt gameplay. I will take this into consideration -- honestly, I feel like most of my problem(s?) right now with the situation stem from my own anxiety.

Finally, I have actually babysat kids in the past (as a teenager). That was fun, and I would do it again. Unfortunately, no one I really know has kids (especially not babies) and at the moment I am trying to enter the job market in a different way. But it was a great idea, and I will keep it in mind with the rest of your advice!

 

[hiwaystar]

@daniel83

I want them to enjoy it as much as I do without having to make too many sacrifices.

you will be lying to your partner if you suggest that you can be a parent without making some serious sacrifices. he will have to make sacrifices. so will you. i strongly advise you to not have kids with someone who isn't as willing to make those sacrifices as you are. sugarcoating it might get them to agree for a while, but it'll bite you in the ass eventually once the baby's born and the hard work begins.

literally just table this and come back to it somewhere after 30 lol

for now focus on having as much fun as you can and getting a stable job, relationship, and living situation for when you are ready to have kids.

 

[daniel83]

@hiwaystar You make a really good point. I am not trying to trick her, and I suspect she might know the hardships better than me, since her age gap with her siblings is a bit larger than the one I have with my brother.

Looking back, I think I have a habit of trying to sugarcoat stuff like this around her, and I need to stop it. I need to treat her more like a partner and less like I am trying to cajole her into it.

To be fair as well, this is all supposed to be way off in the future, don't worry! It's going to be years yet until we are thinking seriously about getting married, let alone having a baby. But I like to soothe myself, I guess, about what could happen. Thank you very much for your advice!

 

[hiwaystar]

@daniel83

I think I have a habit of trying to sugarcoat stuff like this around her, and I need to stop it.

Yes! 100%! either she will be ready when you are or you 'll find a partner who is. don't sweat that right now, just live in the now.