Edit: You can be sad and heartbroken for the babies who are sleep trained AND place no judgment on the parents who are trying their best to survive like we all are. BOTH can be true. Thank you postpartum therapy
I know everyone is doing what's best for them, and in the U.S. at least, we make it hard on parents with horrible health care, no parental leave, individualism, etc. So I do not place any judgement on any parent for their sleep choices, we are all just trying to survive. But how do you all deal with the heartbreaking stories about parents letting their baby cry for hours and hours in the name of 'learning to self soothe.' It breaks my heart and I wonder if they know human babies, like all mammals are wired to be close to their caregivers? I too once thought that babies are supposed to sleep through the night and be fine on their own until my gut guided me to research and the history of humans and our biology. Again, no judgement, we are all just trying to survive but stilllll.....
@hbwink I wrote what I thought was a totally innocuous post on the Baby Bumps subreddit mentioning co sleeping (specifically I was asking about how people manage the transition from maternity leave to returning to work, while still co sleeping- asking whether they had to switch up sleep styles etc). I was almost uniformly chastised by all commenters for even bringing up co sleeping, lol.
I tried to write measured responses saying Iām just considering it, my baby isnāt even born yet, that I just feel itās cruel to allow a baby to cry alone in a different room / absurd to assume a baby can self soothe, and that it seems a very natural impulse to want to sleep with your baby. People just didnāt seem to get it and some suggested I would kill my baby by co sleeping.
Sleep training advocates on Reddit are so judgmental! I havenāt come across anyone like that in real life but weāll see what happens after my baby is born! Iām definitely going to be honest about it.
@viclarita1234567 Iām honest about cosleeping with my family and friends if they ask about it, and thankfully no one has said anything I couldnāt just ābrush offā. Hopefully itās the same for you!
If someone in my life told me I was going to kill my baby cosleeping, I wouldnāt talk to them again, lol. But also, if I told them they tortured their baby by sleep training, I donāt think they would want to talk to me either, lol
@katrina2017 The whole baby sleep topic is truly so controversial it is kind of wild! My sister in law did/does the Ferber method with her baby, who is 18 months old now. In the beginning, like a year ago, she described it as controversial. So at the time, knowing nothing I thought sleep training was the controversial subject. Iāve since learned itās very heavily pushed by medical professionals and mothers alike lol. Iām glad this subreddit exists!!
@viclarita1234567 The other day, somebody said their paediatrician recommended sleep training because her baby was only sleeping an 8 hour stretch when it should be capable of 12 hours by 6 monthsā¦
@katrina2017 I still cosleep at 22 months ( pregnant too, so I donāt know how Iāll manage but weāll figure it out). Baby/toddler falls asleep is his bed, we will lay with him until he falls asleep and then if and when he wakes up in the middle of the night, weāll just bring him into our bed. Itās so much easier, and tbh we need the sleep. Everyone is happy. However people tend to judge so I never to into much detail about sleeping habits and brush it off we something like - he falls asleep in his own bed
@vcf I recently learned this is basically what my parents did with my brother + I! Theyād put us to sleep in our bassinet or crib and then when weād inevitably wake up theyād bring us to bed with them. It seems so normal.
@viclarita1234567 Itās a really strange world we live in, where pediatricians recommend letting a baby cry it out and say under no circumstances should you sleep with them. People are extremely judgmental about cosleeping, but thatās how itās been done since time immemorial. If you consciously eliminate risk factors in the sleeping environment it shouldnāt be a problem. I tried letting my first child ācry it outā once under the advisement of my pediatrician and I couldnāt handle it. Itās so counterintuitive and all my internal alarms were saying āthis is wrong.ā But people will really treat you like a monster if you feel sleeping together works best.
@viclarita1234567 Oofta and agreed. I get it because I use to believe it but then I started digging into why it felt so horrific to do it. We tried Ferber for one night and it felt incredibly abusive.
@hbwink Can I ask about your quality of sleep with your little one? I am definitely a high sleep needs person. Bed sharing appeals to me because it seems comforting for the baby, and less disruptive to my sleep since she will be right next to me and I can feed her as needed. I know every baby is different, some sleep well and others wake more often! I do worry about the sleep situation in general because I am someone who is accustomed to sleeping 8-9 solid hours every night. I hope I can handle the change
@viclarita1234567 I sleep with her on a floor bed and itās helped so much. I did think it was going to be more magical like suddenly sleeping through the night but not getting out of bed and bending over the crib a million times vs just lifting my shirt to nurse is so much easier. Also the book Sweet Sleep was the most helpful book I read all pregnancy/birth/postpartum and they talk about how to cosleep safely.
@hbwink That book is amazing! And I agree, I sleeping is definitely not magical at my house lol but there are no babies crying alone either so Iām ok with it!
@viclarita1234567 I also just wanted to add. I felt this way too before my bub was born and something happened after he was born that I just felt I had required less sleep. It was bizarre. But we also bedshare. When he was like a newborn I think th least amount of sleep I'd get was 5-6 hours but that was also because I had to change his diapers. I hope the same for you!! Because after that I think we'd all get full night sleep except for the rare occasion. It was so much easier for us.
@viclarita1234567 I also mentioned bedsharing in the baby bumps group and was basically called a baby killer. I donāt mention bedsharing anywhere else but this forum, because most people are just not educated enough on the subject to understand. However, at least where I live, doctors and public health has scared so many people, thatās all that they know. Itās sad, because if done safely and correctly, the risk is almost the same as if the baby were in a bassinetā¦ but the amount of sleep I have gotten bedsharing when compared to my baby lying awake crying in the bassinet those first few weeksā¦ I wish I had known sooner!
@lovebiotic Yeah, I agree completely. I mean thereās a huge obvious benefit to having your baby right next to you; youād immediately know if something was wrong! You donāt have to rely on a baby monitor or audible crying to alert you. I think people lack common sense with this subject tbh!! There will always be a unique set of risks with each scenario.
@viclarita1234567 The sleep training/anti-co-sleeping crowd on Reddit seems to be the majority. And people are extremely judgmental about it, like, if you co-sleep people act like you are killing your baby. I often have to skip topics about sleep because of that. Iām glad Iām in a country where co-sleeping isnāt frowned upon and most parents I know have at one point co-slept.
Interesting enoughā¦ while co-sleeping is so hated, letting infants sleep in their own room is seen as completely normal, even though it is a known fact that sleeping in the same room reduces the risk of SIDS
@hbwink All I can say is same hereā¦ totally heartbroken. And like you said I understand that everybodyās circumstances are different but omg yes Iām still totally heartbroken. People also talk about their babies ācrying for hoursā so casually.. very strange
@laulee We tried Ferber for one night and found it almost worse, we would go in and then leave while she was still crying which seemed so cruel, to be like āI see you are sad/scared but Iām going to leave you again.ā
I donāt mention bedsharing anywhere else but this forum, because most people are just not educated enough on the subject to understand. However, at least where I live, doctors and public health has scared so many people, thatās all that they know. Itās sad, because if done safely and correctly, the risk is almost the same as if the baby were in a bassinetā¦ but the amount of sleep I have gotten bedsharing when compared to my baby lying awake crying in the bassinet those first few weeksā¦ 