i know my friend didnt mean anything bad by it, but im at a point where harmless comments bother me

[7messrobhackopen]

its the 3 of us: 32f (me), 36f (A), and 42f (B). A and B have 2 daughters each, both the exact same ages.

A and B hangout a lot (frequently without me, because i work during the day + theyre on mat leave/stay at home mothering at the moment). i am closer to B because our husbands work together but i really enjoy A too.

A invited me over in a text outside of our group chat. i asked her “should i bring wine? i can bring B with me!” she says “oh, its just us tonight - [her husband] needed a break from the chaos of kids, so we just wanted to take advantage of our childless friends ”

i responded with “haha, i get it see you tonight”… but it stings that im the token childless friend. childless… that word hurts.

to be fair, i havent shared my ttc story with anyone other than family (especially in recent months because i had a miscarriage at 8/9 weeks). so its nothing wrong with what she said… technically… ugh. i dont know. having friends with babies kind of sucks.

 

[katrina2017]

@7messrobhackopen If she knew you were ttc and said that, I would think it was really insensitive. However, if she thinks you're child free by choice she was likely just insinuating that you're the fun friend with a somewhat strange choice of words.

 

[sullivan10]

@katrina2017 Really agree. Without knowing A at all, I’m willing to bet she has no idea her choice of words could have stung. My child-full (lol) friends say things like this to me often in a wistful sort of way, like they’re the ones actually jealous of me (with all my well rested freedom, etc) rather than the other way around.

OP, if you feel comfortable, give her a heads up you’re TTC and how difficult you’re finding the process. This context alone will probably cause her to stop and think next time without you needing to call out specifically what she said today.

 

[kj77]

@7messrobhackopen I have 1 friend who is always making comments that hurt me. It's things like 'you'll understand one day if you ever have a baby' and she knows what I am going through. Getting to the point where I avoid seeing her if I can.

 

[sherzei]

@kj77 That sucks! I'm sorry she's not more sensitive to your situation

 

[sullivan10]

@kj77 I absolutely HATE when people say this kinda crap to me. My mom and sister are #1 offenders. I have vowed to never say anything like this to anyone ever, it’s so condescending.

 

[bookdragon]

@kj77 Yuck

 

[tapedrawing]

@7messrobhackopen I’m sorry I don’t have any advice.

I’m surround either by people who have babies or people who don’t want them, and both are fine. But I found out the other day that on top of my congenital defect and PCOS I have a unicornuate uterus and I don’t know anybody who has been in this position where pregnancy was just… doomed to not happen or be successful, and if it was, to have the possibility of endangering my life.

It’s so lonely, and I’m so sorry you are going through this. I can’t give you an IRL hug, so you’ll have to settle for this one. hug

You’re not alone. I know your pain, and it’s real and valid. I’m not super active on Reddit right now because the fertility subreddits feel like salt in my wounds, but you can DM me if you ever want to chat. Sending you love.

 

[sshyam]

@7messrobhackopen There’s actually a lot wrong with what she said. It’s not your childless friend’s job to give you a night off.

 

[brendan_99]

@7messrobhackopen That would sting for me too... like childfree would be the kinder term that although may still hurt at least it's a slightly more positive slant.... but why did she have to go there at all.... then again I'm an overthinker and I'm sure it was just an innocent lack of thinking it through!

 

[sherzei]

@7messrobhackopen It's completely valid that you're hurt by her comment, although if she truly knows nothing about your current TTC situation then I'd say she definitely didn't intend to hurt your feelings.

I'd be hurt about her saying 'take advantage of' as well, though. TTC or not, that just doesn't sound right to say to someone IMO (I'm probably taking it out of context though)

 

[inspiringmedia]

@7messrobhackopen Whether she knows or not, I think it's poor phrasing and a weird thing to say. Maybe if she would have said "let's have an adults only evening tonight"... but ideally she'd have said "let's just do you and I tonight, I miss having chats with you" or something.
I don't know. 100% she didn't mean to hurt you and probably even wanted to say that you're the preferable friend to hang out with, but I totally get that it hurts. Unfortunately, these comments can't be avoided unless you tell people that they hurt you. Which may not be what you want to do either.
Just know that you're feelings are valid and you're definitely not the only one who gets upset about these comments. Sending hugs

 

[spiritualseeker]

@7messrobhackopen I hear you. Just got to my in laws’ house for a two week visit. They don’t know we are TTC and I know some “jokes” are in my future (previous ones: “we gave up on that dream long ago… we had to learn to be content with a grandkitty”)

FWIW it does sounds like she is trying to complement you as a fun friend… just did so clumsily.

 

[sherrine]

@7messrobhackopen I think that’s a really gross thing to say. I would be bothered if someone said that to me!

 

[7messrobhackopen]

@sherrine why call someone “childless”… ughhhh. thank you for validating my feelings. this whole experience makes you feel some type of way and its hard for others to understand. im thankful for this sub for understanding.

 

[mrbluex]

@7messrobhackopen You're not wrong to feel hurt by that comment. It stings. Period.

 

[paul999]

@7messrobhackopen It definitely sucks having friends with kids. I used to think the DINK moniker was cute, less so now

 

[hpunkin]

@7messrobhackopen Ughh rude. “Childless” has a negative connotation to me compared to say “childfree by choice” but to me that is only a a term for people who are in fact openly and happily childfree! And definitely not something those of us who have experienced loss want to hear.

Since you obviously have never expressed being childfree by choice, your friends need to STFU for this exact reason!

Bottom line: your feelings are valid and words matter!

 

[tramlaw]

@7messrobhackopen yeah sometimes the child-ed people just don't think

 

[rameshpothala]

@7messrobhackopen IMO, I don't think it's appropriate to say that to someone whether or not you know if they're TTC.