I know I shouldn’t have a 4th

[singsoftlytome]

We have 3 amazing kids, 5, 4 & 2 and there’s nothing I love more than being their Mom. I’m a SAHM with my in laws living next door and my
parents 10 minutes down the road, so babysitting or if we need an extra hand has never really been a problem for us (such a blessing!)

My husband has a vasectomy booked in a months time after our pregnancy scare a month ago. It was such a scare that I was like, oh man we really shouldn’t have anymore, not because I don’t want to have another baby, but because I couldn’t help but worry what my older 3 would have to lose in gaining a sibling. Yes they would gain the love of a sibling but at a cost of less time with their Dad and I? My worry was that I care very much about fostering relationships with each child and I don’t know if I would be capable of the one on one time I try to give now with another (I mean obviously I wouldn’t there would be a whole nother human).

When we got pregnant with our third I truly had felt like someone was missing and when he was born it felt like, oh here you are, our missing piece. It doesn’t feel like someone’s missing now but I just have that feeling of wanting another. It wouldn’t be fair though. Our three would have to share one room while the new baby would get their own for sleeps/nap, one day each kid would get their own room (we have a basement with 2 rooms but we don’t want them down their til they are much older). I also feel like there’s already a lot of “mom watch me, mom play with me, mom I want to do something with just you” going on and I feel stretched thin sometimes when I can’t get to them all when they want me too.

It’s just, how can I not have another baby? I know it would be a girl (we have G, B, B) and I know they would be so loved. My daughter asks for another baby all the time. I’m worried I will regret not having another when I had the chance, I get jealous when I see other pregnant people and wish it was me, I miss my belly and meeting a human for the first time and the middle of the night wake ups and the contact naps and watching them grow. I just worry that would be at the expense of my children I have now. I find 3 a great number as of now, no odd man out and honestly they are all so special in their unique way that there’s no middle kid issue at the moment.

Sorry for the rant, I just wish I had a crystal ball to see what life would be like with 4 vs 3!

 

[jeloussss]

@singsoftlytome What if wasn't a girl? Are you okay with having 3 boys?

 

[singsoftlytome]

@jeloussss Yes 100% I would be fine having a boy. I shouldn’t have even tossed it in there, it’s just this weird thing where I’ve been right about all 3 of our genders so far so it’s just a feeling! We love our boys so much, my daughter would be happy with another brother too or a sister

 

[jeloussss]

@singsoftlytome I have 2 boys and also feel strongly about the third being a girl if we try just one more time. I have to remind myself it could be another boy to bring me back to reality!

 

[singsoftlytome]

@jeloussss Haha you sound like my mother in law! She had that same feeling and did end up with three boys! I will say I think I could only have 3 boys already having a daughter because she definitely brings a calmness to my two boys chaotic world lol

 

[imsome]

@singsoftlytome It sounds like you know you shouldn’t have a fourth really. How does your husband feel about it? If it’s a no from him then it’s a no as it should be two yes to go ahead.

You mentioned that you’ve got both sets of parents locally to help with childcare. I don’t have a support system nearby at all and I’m OAD largely because of this and sleep deprivation. How would you cope if either set of parents were to suddenly pass away? How would both sets of grandparents feel about looking after 4 instead of 3, or are you happy to always have at least one with you?

 

[singsoftlytome]

@imsome My husbands leaning heavily towards no and I totally understand it needs to be two enthusiastic yes’s! It’s just sad, I wish it was two enthusiastic yes’s!

I totally understand what you’re saying! I’m incredibly lucky to have this support system of a family. My parents had 4 kids and would love for us to have a 4th (my mom said she would retire if I did to help with school pick ups/drop offs, but I wouldn’t want to depend on her, it’s just a nice gesture) and my in laws have 3 kids and think 4 is crazy lol. But I was so sick last weekend and both sets of grandparents were away and my husband had all 3 (and he did amazing) but I did think, wow what if that was during the school week and he was working and I had them all and this terrible virus and it was scary to consider haha

 

[quantum777]

@singsoftlytome Sounds like you miss the pregnancy and baby stage with your existing kids, not that you actually want more.

 

[singsoftlytome]

@quantum777 I don’t want you to be right but it feels like you are, it’s sad!

 

[elly1]

@singsoftlytome Is it possible you're feeling this way because the vasectomy is looming close and it's a final-feeling decision?

As one of 3, 4 seemed like way too many kids. Like absurd to me. We were still just imagining maybe having four when it happened, and we just went with it. I was anxious throughout pregnancy, not sure if I could still parent all of my kids well, if they could each have enough of me.... I'm glad she's here and they all love having each other.

While I struggled postpartum with ppa and figuring out how to juggle them and everything else, it feels easier now when they're a bit older (youngest is almost 3, the rest are 4-7). I'm a sahm and my husband wfh, one set of local grandparents who help when they can (mine will fly in and stay a week or so a couple times a year). This helps a lot. I still struggle, mostly imo because my youngest still wakes at night and is still in the tantrum phase. But I don't really feel depleted anymore or like there's not enough of us for all of them. I mean I don't think my older kids suffered because we had another. They're thriving.

In contrast, where we felt a pull towards another when there were just 3, with 4 now I do feel like I'm at capacity. My husband had a vasectomy (and regrets it but that's another story--if he hadn't done it we both believe we would've had another. Discussed reversing many times but ultimately I think this is where we're staying at).

I feel really content with this, even though occasionally I get baby fever sometimes (maybe for some this never goes away, and having it doesn't mean we need to act on it). The idea of 2-3 more years of the phase I have struggled with most so far (plus pregnancy which is a blessing ,blah blah-- but it sucks) with this many kids, I recoil at the thought. I'm almost 3 years pp with my last and I just feel like I'm getting to a better place mentally. I need sleep. I need my sanity back. For my marriage to be back in the front burners.

I'm ready to move on to the next phase. I was really unsure for a while. But recently have come to peace. So maybe it will take a while to wrap your mind around too.

 

[singsoftlytome]

@elly1 Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply! It means a lot hearing from someone else. So you’re one of 3 yourself! How did you find that growing up? I remember I felt that anxious feeling so hard and ended up with some perinatal depression at the start of my pregnancy with my third, it was scary to go to being out numbered so I can totally relate to your feelings!

I feel like I could still manage a 4th but would feel very much at capacity with 4 like yourself vs with 3 I feel like I’m comfortable now and maybe that’s part of the problem haha I’m so used to being exhausted and overrun that being relaxed now has caused me to want another!

 

[elly1]

@singsoftlytome It was fine growing up. I was closer to one sibling than the other (they were kind of struggling for a bit and shut us out for a while). As adults we live in different states but have a chat where we talk every day.