I have full custody of my kids (4, 6 & 8) indefinitely and I don’t know how to tell them why

[hisman]

Following my divorce 3 years ago, my ex faced legal trouble due to a DUI while our kids were with her, leading to a temporary loss of custody. Our divorce decree was updated with a rule: a breathalyzer if I suspected she'd relapsed. After two years without using it, I had to test her. She refused, so an emergency order granted me temporary full custody again. Her subsequent hair follicle test showed sobriety, but she still broke our decree's clearly laid out rules (to which the consequences are clear). She told the kids two weeks ago that she’d see them today, but our review hearing didn’t pan out that way. When I showed up at their school to get them, they were understandably sad and confused.

How do I explain to my 8, 6, and 4-year-olds that I don't know when they'll see their mom again due to her breaking the rules, despite her passing a hair test proving sobriety, without shattering their trust in her?

 

[prayer_warriorinprogress]

@hisman Hey mate, been there. Here's my line.

"Your Mum loves you, she's just got some stuff she's working on right now that makes it hard for her to be here. But she still loves you to bits."

I mean, I was lying a fair bit in that, but it was plausible enough for them until they got older.

 

[selinalidy]

@prayer_warriorinprogress This is the way to go OP.

Never say a negative word to your kids about their mother. Don’t give any reason to alienate them from her. If they find out the truth on their end, they find out. But not by you. Let it never be said you put down their mother to them. (Edit: but never lie to them)( you can actually harm your relationship with them when you do that. Trust me. My mother has put wedges so much cause she actively puts down my dad. But he never puts her down. Now the grandchildren don’t wanna be around her)

 

[kopchicksaved2014]

@selinalidy Yep. My mom and dad never shit talked each other and I figured out who they were as I got older.

I have a relationship with both because of this. It's one of the few things they both did right as parents.

 

[mariiah]

@selinalidy THIS.

 

[martinted]

@prayer_warriorinprogress And it might not be a lie in OP’s circumstances. Or at least a white lie. Addiction is a disease, and that can be hard to convey to children especially when it’s a parent. “Your mom is struggling right now, but she still loves you. She has some things she needs to figure out right now, is all.” The important thing is to be at least honest about the circumstances. OP doesn’t have to tell his kids the nature of the problem, just that the problem exists & that they’re figuring it out as they go.

 

[mariiah]

@martinted Do NOT tell the kids “mom is struggling”. That is not their burden to bear and is frustratingly ambiguous while still conveying that something is clearly wrong. So basically, mom is in trouble but I won’t provide any clarity on how or why. Use your imagination kids! “Mom has some things going on that she needs to take care of” conveys a responsibility rather than a problem. “Adult responsibilities” make sense to kids and won’t create anxiety like a “struggle” or “problem” will.

 

[martinted]

@mariiah Fair point, my phrasing could be better & should be considered when speaking to younger kids. Your wording is more empathetic for a younger set of kids.

 

[spiritualfriend]

@hisman I’m confused - to my understanding a hair follicle test checks for SYSTEMIC substance abuse, not one-off. That’s what the breathalyzer is for.

It’s quite possible she had an alcohol relapse that wouldn’t show up on a follicle test. So it’s quite possible you were right and she did relapse - just not for long enough for a follicle test to catch it.

As for the kids, while the courts are a convenient blame stick, at some point they have to realize that their mom is breaking the law as well.

 

[katrina2017]

@spiritualfriend And it can take 5-10 days for the hair to grow out of the scalp after use.

 

[aldericus]

@katrina2017 This should stay the top comment. Everyone here claiming he “falsely accused” his ex has a poor understanding of toxicology.

 

[werfel]

@aldericus In any case, what other reason could she possibly have to refuse to breathalyze when her custody arrangement is dependent on doing so.

 

[hanzohamamura]

@werfel Being inebriated does not lend one towards good decision making. Perhaps also. She thought the consequences of refusal were less than the consequences of failing the test.

 

[gomez2219]

@hanzohamamura But that's the point.

Her refusing the breathalyzer is effectively as good as her admitting she had consumed alcohol. If she hadn't consumed, why would she refuse the test? Even if she felt embarassed, attacked, and annoyed by him asking her to do the test, she knows she's legally obliged to do so...so her refusing to is, to me, as good as her blowing in the tube and showing she drank.

 

[anonymous1982]

@gomez2219 Maybe she was hoping he wouldn’t call her bluff.

 

[gomez2219]

@anonymous1982 I guess, but once he calls it, why refuse then?

I have a forever recovering alcoholic mother who has attempted her life a number of times, and even I'm scratching my head here.

 

[laxkid3]

@werfel It would be very typical alcoholic behavior (even when dry) to resist being "forced" to prove your sobriety. It's incredibly stupid and self-destructive, but it is in the nature of alcoholism to refuse to submit to stuff like that and to constantly be fighting the whole world when other people aren't doing the things you think they should be doing. That is why the first step in AA is to admit powerlessness, that's why there's all this "god" stuff in there - it's not to convert you to whatever religion, it's for you to admit that you are not god and you don't get to control everything. Admitting powerlessness and turning your life over to a higher power is ceasing to resist and learning how to live with the chaos of a world full of things that you don't get to control.

all to say, it doesn't make any logical sense to refuse the breathalyzer but, from my perspective as a non-practicing alcoholic in recovery, it would be completely unsurprising for a dry alcoholic to refuse something like that even if they hadn't fallen off the wagon. In OPs case, his sense is that something is up and his sense is probably accurate.

 

[gomez2219]

@laxkid3 That's all true, but most alcoholics don't have literal legally binding consequences attached to whether or not they allow the test...so the situation here IS a bit different.

 

[gulsah]

@gomez2219 Kind of. But the same feelings come up and the same response is often your reflexive reaction. And, depending on how much she's going through at that moment, she may not have been truly considering the consequences (or may have convinced herself that the father wouldn't have gone through with it).

This is all not to excuse her, she clearly did wrong by not taking the test. It's also not me saying she was actually sober, I have absolutely no idea either way. This is just me pointing out that it wouldn't be surprising for a recovering alcoholic to refuse that way, even if sober, and especially if they were going through a tough moment.

 

[laxkid3]

@gomez2219 To be clear I think that the ex here is probably drinking. But my point is that alcoholics make choices like this despite the fact that they are illogical and have serious consequences