@utookmyname Oh 100% agreed. Which is why we are one and done. We prepared for two (bought the large stroller, nicer baby gear expecting to use it twice, gender neutral clothes, etc) and have stopped at one. I usually stay out of responding to these threads because I have rarely been on the fence but this poster sounds like she would need to get childcareso I’m throwing it out there that without a village finding childcare can be so tough.
I can’t shake the feeling
- Thread starter cookie34ss6
- Start date
elizabethinhouston
New member
@cookie34ss6 I was in the same situation as you and we decided to go for a third. We were able to work out the logistics and got into our groove much faster this time around juggling the three. My husband and I are two meticulous people. Our house has never been messier. We’ve learned how to let go and truly not let things bother us that don’t matter. It’s honestly made me a happier person inside and has brought an amazing dynamic to our family. The way our boys love our little one so much makes me know we made the right decision. Best of luck!
morgannicole555
New member
@elizabethinhouston This is reassuring. Bc im so clean too! Is it just impossible to keep up?
elizabethinhouston
New member
@morgannicole555 Yep, it’s impossible lol. I view it as exposure therapy. The more we let go of that meticulousness and lean into the chaos, the less it bothers me. They will only be little for so long.
morgannicole555
New member
@elizabethinhouston Yes!
cookie34ss6
New member
@elizabethinhouston Thank you for sharing your positive experience!
@elizabethinhouston Can confirm. House with three is messier than ever. Giving up is helpful. My third is the thing that makes me laugh most in life right now though, so tradeoffs I guess..
@cookie34ss6 My experience for you and others in the same situation... I felt similarly after having my second and going back and forth over a third. My second is a unicorn kid ("easy" lol) and it just seemed like things would be so easy if we stayed there. But I kept feeling like someone was missing, when I watched them play I kept imagining a third kid, it was wild to me. Prior to kids we always said we'd have just two. The feeling wouldn't let me go though. So we did have a third.
I was scared to do it. We have my inlaws who are local and help when they can. When they were younger (currently 7, 5.5, 4) there were many times I would feel despair and cry on the weekends they couldn't babysit because I really needed a break. The young years are/were so tough for me.
I think it was one of my hardest transitions. My two older ones were still young toddlers at the time and it was tough for me to juggle them and a newborn at home (sahm, oldest wasn't old enough for school yet). I think when your older kids are a bit older (like 3+) it can help a lot bc they have some independence, do some things on their own, can communicate better, sleep, etc.
We love it. I'm glad we did it. It's been great having this little gang. Everything feels full. Yes there were hard phases but that's part of it, especially the super young years. Two kids just didn't feel right to us in comparison to experiencing life with 3, even if it would've been easier. So that comment about the survey, I think that kind of stuff just really depends on each family. I do agree though that when you have 2 or more kids it can help change perspective on things and allow or force you to let go of stuff. For example the house is always a mess. It's loud and chaotic. When I clean up they destroy (play) behind me. It's okay though. They're happy and healthy and it wont always be like this (though I'll be honest the mess and loudness make me anxious but that's not their fault).
In fact we enjoyed 3 so much we actually have a 4th (who is 2.5). Also a hard transition for me but a lot better now that they're a bit older.
So after #3 we did have to get a bigger car (used, one previous owner who barely drove it and we paid it off asap), and rearrange bedrooms but it was okay. Husband wfh and moved his office to the garage. If you really want to do it you will do what you need to to accommodate.
It's also okay to stay where you are and just enjoy the ones you have. Read/search Google for "the ghost ship that didn't carry us" by Cheryl strayed. I read it a couple times when debating and found it very thoughtful.
I was scared to do it. We have my inlaws who are local and help when they can. When they were younger (currently 7, 5.5, 4) there were many times I would feel despair and cry on the weekends they couldn't babysit because I really needed a break. The young years are/were so tough for me.
I think it was one of my hardest transitions. My two older ones were still young toddlers at the time and it was tough for me to juggle them and a newborn at home (sahm, oldest wasn't old enough for school yet). I think when your older kids are a bit older (like 3+) it can help a lot bc they have some independence, do some things on their own, can communicate better, sleep, etc.
We love it. I'm glad we did it. It's been great having this little gang. Everything feels full. Yes there were hard phases but that's part of it, especially the super young years. Two kids just didn't feel right to us in comparison to experiencing life with 3, even if it would've been easier. So that comment about the survey, I think that kind of stuff just really depends on each family. I do agree though that when you have 2 or more kids it can help change perspective on things and allow or force you to let go of stuff. For example the house is always a mess. It's loud and chaotic. When I clean up they destroy (play) behind me. It's okay though. They're happy and healthy and it wont always be like this (though I'll be honest the mess and loudness make me anxious but that's not their fault).
In fact we enjoyed 3 so much we actually have a 4th (who is 2.5). Also a hard transition for me but a lot better now that they're a bit older.
So after #3 we did have to get a bigger car (used, one previous owner who barely drove it and we paid it off asap), and rearrange bedrooms but it was okay. Husband wfh and moved his office to the garage. If you really want to do it you will do what you need to to accommodate.
It's also okay to stay where you are and just enjoy the ones you have. Read/search Google for "the ghost ship that didn't carry us" by Cheryl strayed. I read it a couple times when debating and found it very thoughtful.
nanipardhu
New member
cookie34ss6
New member
@nanipardhu Lol oh don’t get me wrong, we still have our moments but we’re light years from how things were just a year ago. They’re almost 5 and 2.5.
indeedsman08
New member
@nanipardhu We're at 4 & 1.5 and I would say we get a lot of "easy & fun" aside from sleep stuff (and I wouldn't say either of our kids are "easy kids" so I think it's a pretty realistic possibility for anyone else too lol). It won't be long before things feel like generally smooth sailing for you again!
@cookie34ss6 We were similar (except for age—in that regard we “had time” but I also had kids 3 years apart and didn’t want to wait toooooo long and have the age gap be 4+ years). 6 YO and 3YO life was easy! We had one of each, we chose an expensive private elementary school and 2 tuitions would be manageable. BUT I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I had one more lap in me. I didnt feel “incomplete” but felt like I didn’t have closure. We ultimately decided that we were much more likely to regret not having a third than regret having one. All of the hardships would work themselves out and feel worth it for him/her to be there. Baby girl will be here in about two months, and if feels good to know this is my “last” of everything
@cookie34ss6 We went for a third after similar concerns, and I’m so glad. Am I run more ragged? Yes for sure. But I know now how quickly it goes by, and I’m so glad that as my two older are aging out of the preschool years I’m not done with that yet. I love this phase of life and I love kids (not necessarily babies), and though I wouldn’t do it I secretly now want a 4th after thinking I could never do a third.
@cookie34ss6 i could have written this. despite having a million reasons not to have a third, i just picture us bringing home one more baby. some of my reasons for not wanting another are: another c section, gestational diabetes and higher risk for type 2 later in life, i need to lose weight, we need a bigger house (already considering it anyways with 2), my mom is getting older and i don’t have a backup plan for child care, nor could we afford it if we needed it. i also have a strong desire get rid of my baby stuff. another big thing is, while i enjoy this stage of life (3.5 and 11mo), i can’t wait for them to be older so we can do things as a family… for example, for the kids to be able to be in the same section of the water park or indoor playground… i hate that one parent has to go with one and one stays with the other. despite all of these things, i still can’t shake the feeling of wanting a third.
@cookie34ss6 I was in a very similar situation - felt like things were stable and good, finally got the kids in bunk beds so had a home office. We experienced a second trimester pregnancy loss of what would have been our third child.
After that I wasn't so sure I wanted to keep going, for a lot of the reasons you mentioned, mainly fear of messing up a good thing. But I didn't want to live with regret and I turn 40 this year. I realized I wanted a third child more than I was allowing myself to acknowledge. I'm 38 weeks now so check in with me in a few months to see how it goes !!
After that I wasn't so sure I wanted to keep going, for a lot of the reasons you mentioned, mainly fear of messing up a good thing. But I didn't want to live with regret and I turn 40 this year. I realized I wanted a third child more than I was allowing myself to acknowledge. I'm 38 weeks now so check in with me in a few months to see how it goes !!
@cookie34ss6 Nice to see so many ppl are in the same boat. I am too, just turned 41 so for us it’s 95% not going to happen. I have a 5 and almost 3 yo. I miss babies a lot. But loving a certain stage and not wanting it to pass I think isn’t a good enough reason. Also for me, I like the idea of 3 kids more than the reality of the day to day. I don’t thrive in chaos, and being 40 it just seems like I don’t enjoy crowds or hectic things anymore. The idea of a big family and 3 little ones seems lovely but I do wonder how much social media and seeing friends with 3 etc has influenced me. Is a tough call for sure..
cookie34ss6
New member
@inlimbo22 All valid points.
@cookie34ss6 You’re not selfish for wanting to stick with two. I remember when I was in my youth years, I wanted two max because of environmental concerns. So if anything it’s more selfish to have three imo. I’m also in the middle of this question. Love my two. My sis has 3 and it’s beyond chaos for her. Her eldest just asked me if we are having more. (We have 2.) I told her probably not. But it’s the fork in the road… we also have two unused embryos which makes it more complicated imo 