I can’t shake the feeling

[cookie34ss6]

…of having a third. I realize no one can make this decision except for me and my husband but here I am posting anyway.

Life right now is so “neat” and easy with 2 kids. They play together, there’s an 1:1 child parent ratio, we “have one of each”, things just feel perfect & fun.

However, we’ve always talked about having a 3rd but have gone back and forth for the reasons I mentioned above, plus my oldest is in private school and we’re not sure we can afford 3 in private school. I’d have to give up my office in the house and I realize how selfish that sounds. We’d need a new car and we’d need childcare. My parents who help now are getting older and can’t really handle FT baby care.

We tried one time in August and I got pregnant but we lost it in October. After the loss we both said we wanted to try again but then the doubts started creeping in. Mostly the thought of we have it good so why mess with it.

I just love the idea of having another kid and having a full and busy house. I don’t really enjoy the baby stage but I’m loving the young elementary years.

Anyway, I’m also 40 so time is not on my side. We’d have to decide now.

If you’ve been in a similar situation what did you decide?

 

[ethanhun1]

@cookie34ss6 It’s so comforting to read posts like this. I’m afraid I can’t offer you any advice because I’m in the exact same situation.

Prior to having my two kids, I didn’t know that I actually wanted kids. I loved my down time and traveling. Then I had my first and wanted just one more so my first would have a sibling. But then after my second was born, I just had this strong desire for one more. I can’t explain why no matter how hard I try, other than maybe the fact that my kids make me so happy, make me realize the world is a beautiful place, and provides me with companionship and sense of family I’ve been lacking the last decade.

I want desperately to NOT want another kid for the reasons you outlined: finances, space, time, energy. I try to talk myself out of a third by promising myself that our family of four will do a great vacation next year that we could never do with another baby in the mix. For a time it gets me by, the excitement of finally getting to go on trip like we haven’t experienced yet. But then when I sit and tell myself “you are done, you are the mom of two and that is how it will be” I get hit by this awful grief that I can’t shake.

I know so many people who just KNEW they were done after one or two kids, and part of me takes this feeling of grief as a sign/intuition that I am supposed to have just one more, that there is one more being that is meant to be here. But then the logical side of my brain says why would you want to start all over again, put yourself under more financial stress, and then lastly I feel like I have already rolled the dice twice and luckily ended up with two healthy kids, but what if I’m not so lucky this time? I’m also approaching 40 in a few years so the concern about abnormalities is a big hold up for me.

I think about this dilemma ALL THE TIME and so badly just want clarity and to make a decision, but it feels like a case of you’re darned if you do and darned if you don’t. I think part of the obsession is I do feel like my time is running out and I need to decide and take the appropriate action asap. I’m excited to see what sort of responses you get here.

 

[diegster]

@ethanhun1 Just wanted to jump on here because everything you said has gone through my head and it was reassuring to know there’s probably a lot of moms like us out there. We have 3 but are contemplating the 4th… for the last 3 years. I thought I’d feel “done” but not sure I ever will. I literally think of having a 4th every single day. But it’s such a huge decision. I’m glad at least we can commiserate and know there’s no right answer.

 

[nansi]

@diegster Ohhh same here!! I can’t stop thinking about a 4th but I don’t think we’ll ever pull the trigger.

 

[nol]

@ethanhun1 I relate to this so deeply. It’s so nice to hear I’m not alone. I never even considered the possibility of more than 2 children until my second was born. My first has been so thrilled about having a sibling, I totally see why people have more. The chaos doesn’t sound as bad now that I’m in it. But ugh another pregnancy might destroy me.

 

[ethanhun1]

@nol I agree! Before I had my own kids I could not wrap my head around why anyone would want more than two kids… and now here I am

 

[jericha]

@ethanhun1 I related to both you & OP so deeply. I have two healthy boys, a small house, supportive family, desire to be busy/active with my boys, physically & emotionally feel like my self again, have time to myself, etc. But my gosh, my heart is yearning for another little human. Feels like there’s an empty chair at the table. So much cognitive dissonance happening for me

 

[hgie777]

@ethanhun1 Ugh I could've written this. My youngest is about to be one and things are chaotic af but I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. And now my brain wants to throw a third in to the mix. My marriage won't survive it lol

 

[ethanhun1]

@hgie777 Why are we like this?? Is it hormones? My husband is a neat freak and has a ton of his own hobbies so the thought of a third is not the most pleasant for him…. But he said he agrees to go for it if I really want to.

 

[hgie777]

@ethanhun1 Hormones and pregnancy announcements left and right from our family/friends got me all messed up

 

[ethanhun1]

@hgie777 Yes!!! I almost think if I never saw another pregnancy announcement I’d be fine, but seeing someone else experience the magic and joy has me telling myself, “don’t you want to experience it all once more??”

 

[hgie777]

@ethanhun1 Yes especially if it's their 3rd pregnancy, then it really gets in my head "if they can do it, so can i!!!!"

 

[bbwjule]

@ethanhun1 i could have written this. my husband and i are in our late thirties and have two awesome little kids. we both have very demanding careers, and i finally feel like we are getting back some normalcy now that our kids are 1 and 3. i also share your concerns re: getting older and the health of the baby, and i worry that i might come to regret having a third if our child weren't healthy. but i can't shake the feeling of wanting a third, even though i know that it would completely up-end our lives again, and may even mean that i would have to stop working for a time.

 

[ethanhun1]

@bbwjule I have that same thought about worrying I’d regret going for the third if there were major health problems (I know that obviously sounds terrible). How do you see yourself getting past that possibility without having a crystal ball to see the future? I’m so torn. I don’t want to regret not having the third, but don’t want to regret having the third in the event something goes wrong.

 

[bbwjule]

@ethanhun1 honestly, i'll probably speak to my doctor about the actual statistical risks (i'm curious how family history and the fact that i've had two healthy pregnancies affects it) before going for it but then it will probably just have to be a leap of faith.

 

[dboruff11]

@bbwjule I'm in such a similar position. I wish I could shake the desire but it's really not going away. I feel like I'm slowly chipping away at my partner too (immediately after our 2nd he was DONE) but now he makes offhand comments that make my mind race down a rabbit hole. Gahhhh

 

[cehughes]

@cookie34ss6 Just to add “A survey by “Today” found that moms who have three children are more stressed than those who have fewer kids. It also found that moms who have more than four children actually report lower levels of stress. “There's just not enough space in your head for perfectionism when you get to four or more kids,””

I would take a look at this article - just Google “parents of three most stressed.”

If you had a strong village I’d say go for it but if grandparents aren’t reliable it is so hard to find reliable paid help. Right now we pay over 60 a year for a toddler who isn’t old enough for prek.

 

[cookie34ss6]

@cehughes I have seen that stat about moms of 3, guess I’ll have to have 2 more then

 

[cehughes]

@cookie34ss6 My friend is actually the one who told me about it! I told her the same thing - she needs to have one more

 

[utookmyname]

@cehughes I think everyone just has a different tolerance, OP should consider how they deal with stress/chaos in the long term. For women there's also research that 2 is more stressful than 1 and happiness doesn't increase. The stress is like an upside down U curve that peaks at 3. But plenty of people tolerate the extra stress at 2. All very individual.