I almost lost my 4 y.o. Today

[hisvictor]

First time turning here for advice. I have 2 boys who I believe are exceptionally difficult. My eldest ran away from the back yard today. We left him with his grandparents for a date night. He was upset but he always calms down once we leave the room. Grandma called us 5 minutes later and said she couldn’t find him. He snuck out of a hole in the fence. First time he’s done this. And crossed a busy street. Police picked him up and he was home less than 10 minutes later. We’re lucky, right?

I don’t want this to happen again. My husband and I are now frantically searching for a tracking device for my kids. They’re just so defiant. We are working tirelessly to practice love and logic, counting, not screaming, and other parenting methods. It still feels like we need to be doing more. Or else risk not leaving the house for at least 5 more years.

I want something small. Something I can sew into his shoes. Something tiny like I’ve seen on fucking James Bond movies. A watch won’t work. A necklace won’t work. Anything I want him to wear will not work.

Do you have any experience with this? Has your kid run away for 5 minutes? Have you used a smart watch that they lost in a day? Have you tried using a Tile? I want something legit. I don’t care what it costs.

Update: thank you all so much for your feedback, experience, and kind words. I think we will get AirTags for outings. Zoo, beach, crowded places. Still looking for some spy shit BUT all the other advice about having a plan, watching educational videos and reading books about the importance of safety is going to be key I think. Also, I’ll be speaking to his teacher on Monday. He gets speech therapy through school and I think he will have access to other therapy if he’s diagnosed.

 

[skab]

@hisvictor My son used to bolt. He would do it near roads, in parking lots, when I was holding his hand he would just wrench it free and take off. We did the talking, serious conversations, books, even his occupational therapist tried to help it get through to him.

Finally what worked was one time he took off after an appointment, and after I got him safely buckled in his car seat, I just lost it. Not yelling or screaming, I just SOBBED in front of him. Let him see how terrified I was that his running off could hurt him, or worse, get him killed. Not that I reserve emotion from my son, but I don’t know if he had ever seen me like this. I told him that kids have died from being hit by cars and made this whole thing extremely dramatic.

Now, I definitely played this up because this was my plan, but once I got going the emotion was real. He was definitely affected. It scared him a little bit, but honestly that was what he needed. He has NEVER done it again. Maybe let some real emotion shine through about what happened today.

Good luck, momma. So glad he is safe.

 

[bjaired]

@skab Thank you for this. I’ve been so discouraged by the whole narrative that children are never supposed to see you show any emotion. They need to understand that their parents are people too, and that when they do things like this it really does effect us.

 

[theawesomecave]

@bjaired There’s a lot of misinformation around this. The point is not “parents should never show emotion”, but instead model emotional regulation (so, don’t hold in frustration until you explode, but say “I’m feeling frustrated!” And then take some deep breaths to calm yourself down. Or, tell them you’re going to walk away to calm down etc).

It’s not about being an emotionless robot, but be sad and happy and angry and scared just not to uncontrollable extremes.

 

[mem5]

@theawesomecave I fucking hate how much social media has taken a good concept and absolutely ruined it. It’s wild to see how a basic idea becomes a game of telephone.

 

[freefromabuse]

@theawesomecave Yeah. I have a pretty difficult toddler and when I was pregnant I once ended up crying in front of her cus I was just so tired and frustrated and hungry (she kept being difficult on everything, took 40min just to get her dressed those days…) and she actually stopped her tantrum and went over to my mother to get her cus she was concerned. I was so surprised. Sometimes we need to let kids see our emotions because that is how they can learn empathy, you don’t want to do this all the time but sometimes they need that emotional slap in the face to realize how their actions impact others

 

[dahliathorn]

@theawesomecave I tell my son how I feel all the time. I’ll say “please stop I’m getting very annoyed. I’m not going to keep playing if you do XYZ”. Or I’ll say “this is making me very angry” and he actually seems to understand and listen (as much as a toddler listens)

 

[gabbythegimp]

@theawesomecave THIS!! say it louder for the people in the back!! The kids need to see the adult experience the real emotion and MANAGE IT right there in front of the child. Model what you want from them for any behavior.

 

[olsoli]

@gabbythegimp Yeah I had never heard this emotionless model but I can’t see how it’d do anything else but produce adults who had never seen normal, negative emotions handled well. Wouldn’t they think something was wrong with them for being scared, frustrated or sad?!

 

[gabbythegimp]

@olsoli Exactly! Emotions are important and a lot of the struggle with parenting is thinking you have to hide emotions in front of your children. Let those emotions flow, kids need to know you’re human. Don’t hide them, model/teach them how to manage them. And if you don’t know how, that’s okay to express. Kids are amazingly resilient and pick up on things. If you express you’re upset and don’t know how to handle it well, even talking it out can help. But always try to show some sort of example for what you would want your kid to do.

 

[cocgem]

@theawesomecave If I DO explode, and end up losing it, I always always apologize, and I explain what happened, and that I love him, and offer a hug. I feel like it helps him understand apologies, and also he sees that I make mistakes too.

 

[blessedotty]

@bjaired Um what. I’ve never heard this.

 

[99godgaveuswomen99]

@blessedotty Never heard what exactly?

 

[blessedotty]

@99godgaveuswomen99 The parent comment - that we (parents) aren’t supposed to show emotion to kids. Literally never heard it.

 

[carnox]

@bjaired Yes, and the whole “parents don’t apologize to their children”

My coworker was so surprised when I said I needed to apologize to my oldest when he got home from school.

It was a rough morning after me having a stomach, then a failed root canal that turned into an abscess, then a heavy cold, all while dealing with 3 children (youngest being 11 months)

He was whining about school, and I just snapped and had a very bad mommy moment. After I told him I was sorry and explained everything, he also apologized for the whining because he admitted he stayed up late

 

[davevanza]

@bjaired I keep seeing people say this, but where did it come from? Why would shielding all our emotions ever help our kids? We're just gonna accidentally teach them that we don't feel big emotions, which will make them feel shame and confusion when they do.

 

[allproblemsdie]

@davevanza From the older gen I guess? Very common here that kids were brought up in households where parents showed nothing but anger and kids weren't allowed to have any emotions either Obviously this is not the way I'm going to do things for my kids but boomers & gen X keep giving their advice anyway.

 

[truechristian18]

@skab I had that happen too. I got my kid into the car hugged them so tight and cried so hard once I got into my seat. We haven’t really had a problem since then.

 

[wwjdft]

@skab I'm so glad that worked! How old?
My son is still so small yet (20 months), and luckily, so far, he hasn't bolted.

 

[skab]

@wwjdft He was almost 4 when we had this chat. Maybe like 3 and a half? Old enough to know it wasn’t safe. This was a little extreme for me, but I felt the dangerous circumstances definitely justified it in this situation.