I ( 50 f) have a daughter ( 27 ) that has been helping me and I don't know how to feel about it.

J

josephtheprotector

New member
So, this is for both adult children and older parents.

I have an invisible disability ( that I'm still kind of in denial about) and need help around my home and my life. I work full time, but at home I struggle.

My daughter has taken up helping me and taking care of me in different ways ( kind of mothering) and I don't know how to feel about it. She has always been my ' in bed by 8, up at 5 30' child.when she was little, she would get up early, handle her shit, and not wake anyone. She is the middle child. When her dad and I were working weird shifts, she would let me sleep and make sure the other 3 ( 2 older brothers and a younger sister ) were up for school. She was never asked to do any of these things. She was and is very motherly.

So now she is helping me take care of myself and my house. I just don't know how to feel about it. We have talked about it. She says she wants to and likes to, plus it gives her something to do. I greatly appreciate it and thank her. We always have a good time and she does laundry here when she comes to help.

I really do struggle and I'm glad for what she does, but I tend to feel guilty when people help me and a burden no matter who they are or what they are doing for me. I feel that I should be able to do it myself. But the fact is, I can't and that is the hardest part for me. Accepting that I need help. It's better, and I've been asking for help in other areas of my life lately , but my daughter taking care of me is a hard one. It should be the other way around.

So my question to older parents is : how do you feel about your adult children helping you

And to adult children : how do you feel about helping your parents?

I feel like if I can get both of your perspectives, I won't feel as bad and will be able to enjoy the help more.

Thanks in advance for any thoughts you have.

Edit: here is an update! Thank you!
https://www.reddit.com/r/Parents/comments/mhen15/update_i_50_f_have_a_daughter_27_who_has_been
 
@josephtheprotector 21(f) - and a mother to 1 but still live with my parents. I love helping my parents without a doubt! To be blunt I don’t necessarily like doing the tasks,but I love the outcome of doing them. For example, I don’t particularly like cooking itself, but I love providing a meal for my parents and making sure they are fed and not hungry after a days work. Although I don’t like doing some of the tasks, the feeling I get knowing I helped them is overpowering! There is no better feeling!
 
@lianacohen001 That makes me feel much better about it. Thank you. That was my concern. She is doing some things that really suck, but she is so proud afterwards and happy that I have something nice. She always feels good after.

I like this perspective.
 
@josephtheprotector A lot of people my age act shocked when I say I do X Y and Z for my parents. Not everyone does stuff to help their parents out, so if they do it’s because they WANT too! You sound like an amazing person! Never feel guilty because that’s the last thing your daughter would want
 
@josephtheprotector I am 30, living at home with my parents and 3 children. Buying a home together this year. I would do anything for my parents. Not because I have to, but because I find enjoyment in taking the load off of them where I can. Even if we didn't live together, I would still grocery shop for them, tidy up when I was over, etc. I like being helpful. My parents are amazing . They don't expect it done, it is just helpful. It isn't out of obligation or burden. It is because I love them and they love me.
 
@katrina2017 Thank you for this. And this is basically what this is. She repotted a plant for me that I wasn't able to get to. She was so happy to do it for me!

I do love her unconditionally. I guess it's weird getting it back. :) I'll practice gracious receiving.

Keep doing what you do. You are amazing.
 
@josephtheprotector So here is my non-conventional living situation: Myself (32f), my husband (35m), and my daughter (almost 2) live with my sister (12) and my mother (53). This has been our living arrangement for the past 10 years. We love it. We all help each other. My mom works full time, but she struggles at home like you do. I don't work, my husband does. I homeschool my sister and take care of my daughter. My sister looks at me more like 2nd mom. On the weekends mom is able to go nap for a few hours and I make sure my sister is fed and happy, I do dishes and laundry. At night, my daughter sits with my mom in bed for about 30 minutes and watches songs on youtube before bedtime. My husband takes care of the outdoor stuff like mowing. My mom will pack lunch for my husband if I'm busy.

I wouldn't trade this. I'm glad I can help my mom. This works for us. Let your daughter help, and tell her that you appreciate her.
 
@josephtheprotector My grandparents raised me. I WISH they would let me help them, however they’re too proud and it just becomes an argument lol. As another commenter mentioned- after living very active lifestyles for over sixty years, they just aren’t ready to accept that things have become a little harder.
 
@littlechu Yes, it's very hard to accept! And I do accept I need help so I don't argue... But the denial is strong!

I appreciate that you want to help them. Maybe you can talk to them and approach it a different way.

You are a very good person.
 
@josephtheprotector Just think of it this way - if someone significant in your life needed a little help and you had the means to do it how would it make you feel to do it? Probably good right? It likely makes her feel good to know you're taken care of. It can be stressful for people to think people they love are struggling at all. It is also good for the soul to feel useful and connected, not to mention you enjoy being around eachother so just try to enjoy it!

Its difficult, especially in certain cultures (especially US) when we feel like we aren't 100% independent all of the time, and its really sad because that is not our nature. Humans need eachother, it makes us healthier and happier to both give and recieve and of course just to connect on an social/emotional level. Try to replace any guilty feelings you may have to feeling proud that your raised such a wonderful human and try enjoy every moment you have together.
If it starts to feel overwhelming at all talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel and see what she says.
 
@katrina2017 Yes. This all resounded for me. Of course I would do all of these things for someone else, gladly.

That makes sense. Thank you for this. This helps a lot. And I am UNBELIEVABLY proud of how she turned out. So so proud. She is amazing.
 
@josephtheprotector 30 f - middle child and grew up helping my parents with my siblings.
If she has always had this lovely energy and she tells you she's happy, I would accept it and try not to let feelings of guilt or anything get in the way.
I can tell you from my own personal life experience that it might be important for you to help her manage how much of her energy she spends with you. You might have to be the one to say hey please don't come see me for the next day or 2, go do something fun or relaxing or totally for yourself. Also, small tokens of appreciation every once in a while mean so much. A flower, a small goody bag with some candies and a new nail polish color, etc. Of course also the words of thanks mean just as much.

Last I want to mention that having this time now with you may be immeasurably important after you pass. You see this right now as her helping you, but when you pass she's going go have so many memories of your home and spending time with you. Try to enjoy it, it sounds like you raised some awesome kids.
 
@gotonenerveleft Thank you.And they are amazing. I'll do that! That's a good idea! Little goodies and stuff. Thank you!! I'll do this!!

I hope we are. I know I have wonderful memories and experiences with her when she comes over. Little things we say or do. Thank you so much!! I'll get right on this. All of it!
 
@josephtheprotector It sounds like your daughter is naturally "motherly," happy to help you, and enjoys spending time with you. (What a wonderful person!) I think it would be a very different story if any of those things weren't true or if you were demanding her help. I don't think you need to feel guilty that she is helping now as long as you check in with her regularly to make sure that she can handle it while living her life. In the future, you may need more regular help than what she can give, and having those conversations will help her know that you are looking out for her, too.
 
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