I 22f & fiancé 21m, hoping to try in 2017, BUT..

P

paleouss

New member
I just got turned to this sub today, looking for advice. Altering names, fiancé Reddit's and I'm sure has no clue this sub exists, also doesn't know my username, but who knows.

We have been together for almost 5.5 years, and will have been for almost 7 by our wedding (Jun '17.) We've been living together since June '14.
We have many married/pregnant/parent friends and close family, but they really have not influenced our decision.
Before we took on long distance b/c of college year 2 of our relationship (neither of us graduated, for varying reasons but we didn't just "flunk out" and may go back) we laid all the cards out and figured out what each other wanted as far as marriage/children/future plans. We've been on the same page through most things and love each other so much, and I honestly can't wait because my clock started ticking about when I turned 16. Fiancé just now started getting excited and I'm elated...

Our problem comes mostly from his family. He has a 30y/o sister Jessica and a 27 y/o sister Katherine. Jessica and husband got married Oct '13 and Katherine and husband got married this past September. We got engaged on New Years Eve, my parents helped and gave us a beautiful dinner and recorded it, it was very sweet.
Almost instantly after sharing our news online, we got comments from different people in his family about how the "kids are all on a roll" and about how our weddings would all be in succeeding months had we had it when we WANTED to, which was August, right near our dating anniversary...

While preparing for Katherine's wedding, Jessica and I had our first real heart to heart talk, and she told me how upset she would be if I were to get pregnant before her. Her husband is just now warming up to the idea of kids, but I don't know that they're actively trying yet
...(Katherine and her husband are the opposite, her husband is a few years older and ready, and she's not. But fiancé's mom is. When discussing our wedding party, we told fiancé's mom that Jessica and Katherine would be our ushers, since that's all the more included fiancé was in their weddings. Even when they had people drop out of their wedding party, they chose to ask people that they liked/knew less, after teasing him about whether he would be included.
Fiancé's mom told us it wasn't a good idea because they might be pregnant or have kids by then..)
When fiancé told his parents he was going to propose, they made sure to mention that they, Jessica and Katherine all got engaged and married in their late 20's...

They would all have a point, except we waited to get engaged 3-5 years longer, will be engaged for 6 mo's to a year longer than all of them. We feel like we've waited long enough and are sure enough about each other that we shouldn't have to adhere to other people's time lines, but I feel like we're going to be constantly judged that we're not doing things "the right way."

I'm just so frustrated, if fiancé told me that we were going to stop using condoms and let what happens happen tomorrow, I would be over the moon. I want us to have a child so badly, and I really don't feel like I should have to wait for his sisters to have kids before it's considered "acceptable" for us to do so.

Help? What do you guys think? Sorry that was so long-winded.
 
@paleouss So you're just supposed to wait until Jessica's husband warms up to the idea of kids and she gets pregnant before you can try???????? Because why?? Because you're younger???? What if she has fertility issues? What if it takes years for her husband to come around?

I'm sorry, but that's completely unreasonable. It's incredibly selfish of her to even ask that. This isn't the fucking 1700s. The oldest sibling does not have to be married first and reproduce first. And the fact that they didn't even care to really include you in their wedding party? It's awfully presumptuous to ask someone to put off having babies for their convenience after that.

Screw "acceptable". If you guys are emotionally and financially ready, do it. Honestly, I would tell Jessica that it was offensive for her to ask something like that of you. I personally want to be a young mom, and there's nothing wrong with that! You guys do you, don't wait around indefinitely for these people.
 
@pleasehelp1 Ugh I wish you were here to come say that lol, I wish I were more comfortable with confrontation, but my anxiety doesn't allow it...
Oh and get this, in that same conversation I finally opened up to her about having a lot of issues in the past few years with my anxiety/depression and explained to her that that's why I'm so quiet, that I'd rather be the silent observer otherwise I can send myself into a panic attack. She proceeds to tell me that she's TALKED WITH KATHERINE AND MIL ABOUT IT PLENTY BEFORE and that she said it's been so hard to get to know me because I don't talk. 😒 like thanks, make me feel guilty about it...
 
@paleouss So they talk about you behind your back already? PERFECT. You have nothing to lose!

I also saw below that your mother had fertility issues at your age. What if you put this off to please these people and end up not being able to conceive because you waited too long? I know that's an awful thought, but really, how much would it suck to give that up just for the sake of making others comfortable?
 
@pleasehelp1 UGH I know!! Fiancé doesn't seem to think its a big deal 😩

Yes. 2 miscarriages before me, 2 after me. And her mother was on fertility drugs to have her last 2 kids (although she did have 4 healthy babies, and I was very healthy as well. A few of mom's miscarriages were almost directly due from stress. :c ) and my grandma had ovarian cancer and had to get everything removed (blanking on the medical term right now.)

So yeah, we're both on the same page as far as proceeding with TTC after marriage (which is fiancé's choice I'm respecting), but I'm not crazy about having to hide it from family.
 
@paleouss Just curious but why on Earth would you NOT hide that?

That's an incredibly personal thing that nobody will know about except my husband and I.
 
@rtellard Yeah, I fully expect my family to find out we were TTC when we tell them I'm pregnant, and not a moment before. I can't imagine basically telling my family "hey we're having lots of unprotected sex now!', let alone my FH's.
 
@paleouss Your life should not be dictated by the timelines your future in-laws have. Please learn that now.

Do what's right for you and your future husband =]
 
@paleouss Okay, think about it this way: what if you do wait, because you were concerned about what they would think.... Then you have a baby and they disagree with you on some fundamental parenting issues. Like, if you wanted to breastfeed and they say "that's dumb, formula is way easier." Would you do what they wanted because you were worried about what they would think, or would you do what you believe is best for your baby?

I point this out because when you have a baby isn't just about you -- it's about the BABY. If you feel this is the ideal time for you to have a child, why would you put it off, not knowing what the future has in store? If you are currently healthy and in a stable relationship and emotionally ready and financially stable, then having a baby now seems like a good thing for the baby as well as you. That's an important thing to keep in mind. What's good for your future child should always trump other people's potential hurt feelings.
 
@paleouss The people who want you to make sacrifices for their comfort are not the people who will ever praise you for adhering to their instructions. Even if you do wait for your in-laws, they won't thank you for it, and neither will your MIL. You'd be making a huge sacrifice and they will see it as nothing but doing what you should. They will never think highly of you if you wait, so you may as well do what is best for you. Set those boundaries now, or they will always dictate your life.

My husband has an Aunt and Grandma who have disowned us because we didn't invite the Aunt to our wedding. We were going to if she could behave herself. Then his mom told the grandma and everything blew up so we said "you know what? We're dealing with the fallout of a decision we haven't made yet, so we might as well get what we want out of it anyway." And we didn't invite her. They haven't spoken to us since then, and our lives are the better for it.

Controlling people do not praise you for being controlled. They may freak out when you aren't controllable, but eventually things will find an even keel and your lives will be better for having stood up to them and done what's right for you. Don't be a people pleaser, especially when it comes to your marriage and children.
 
@paleouss I understand, but in the end you have to be strong enough to do what's right for your family, and in the end if his family throws a fit because you did what was best for you guys and got pregnant when you were ready and able, then you have no need for a relationship with them at all.

That seems harsh, but it's your well-being and the well-being of your future child.

What does he think about all of this?
 
@rtellard Ugh, I could but fiancé would never go for that. He's content with us idly making our own plans, he sees it as more them being silly than it actually being a problem.
 
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